Yesterday was the wedding anniversary date for Gord and I. So often...I have a hard time thinking past the moment in real life. About a week ago, I looked at my calendar and found myself ...staring...waiting for it to fully register.
``Whoh! It's my anniversary next week.``
I felt paralyzed. My mind drew a blank...I thought how am I going to get through this. How will I spend the day....
I shared my lack of confidence with a good friend. She suggested a letter. Of course...a letter! Immediately, every time I thought of the day, my mind began to fill with ideas. So many...that I had to start writing. The hard part about it...was I found myself...really going there...really remembering everything I have experienced from the moment the event transpired; to the intense acute emotional roller coaster following for weeks...to rebuilding...to falling...to growing, changing and healing.
I really began to remember in depth all that I missed, all that I still want. I really began to realize that it really is all gone. Gord is really gone, I'm really a single parent, I've really had to bare all of this. I was diving into the grief and I felt like I was drowning....However...I wasn't drowning.
By the time I showed up to the dreaded day....I had confronted so much emotion and I had something to offer...something to give...a gift. I felt peace...contentment. A huge cloud lifted. I enjoyed my day. A friend came over with her kids, we did yoga, she offered to watch my boys so I could get groceries. We had lunch and enjoyed the kids in the sunshine in the back yard.
In the quiet afternoon I rested, chatted with family and friends...shared memories..read letters from Gord. I did cry but I was not overwhelmed with the sadness I had anticipated. I felt so supported and loved.
I pulled myself together and dried my tears. I was ready to celebrate. Celebrate the fact that I have made it this far, I have conquered so much and I am healing. I am moving forward...everyday. Everyday that I keep getting out of bed and living life.... I'm moving forward. I celebrated that I was well loved by a special man. I celebrated that there are people that care about me...so many...all over. People are reading my blog...all over the world now. Incredible! I have so much family and friends from my past and present that have joined me on my journey that are still walking with me. Amazing! I celebrated all that I have still have. I have lost something amazing but the world is still full of so many more amazing things to enjoy, explore and discover.
I went to bed last night a content woman. I had such a rich time sharing with friends. Great conversations...intellectual, funny and sometimes... just real. I enjoyed live musicians and original music. I am not missing out!
This morning I felt a heaviness, a tiredness. I had a good sleep but I felt like I hadn`t slept at all. It`s another crash. It`s become so predictable. There was so much emotional build up to my anniversary. On top of the day...reality has really started to set in. I`m no longer living in a surreal world. The shock has worn off and I`m facing real life...huge realities....huge emotions. I`m often still walking alone. I have so much support but at the same time I often just have to depend on myself. No one is here to get me out of bed, to get me out of the house, to pull me out of deep overwhelming emotions. It is consuming...it drains so much energy to process all this...to feel all of this.
The danger with crash days is that it can pull me....into negativity. I`m too tired...to weak to see past it. However...I know to push through...I know to hold on.
This morning I found myself being drawn into negativity again, about what I was missing out on with my past and worrying about missing out on a good future. I was in the middle; feeling like I have nothing...like I am missing out. Then it hit me....
If I sit here all day and mope about it. fret about it...falling into self pity...helplessness....then I will be missing out. Missing out on today, missing out on the adventures and gifts that today will bring.
So often we fret about what we have lost and what we don`t have. We want to get back to special time or fast forward to a new future. The past had it`s gifts for that time...today is a gift and there is no magic wand for the future. It`s so obvious. Live in the present!
But it`s difficult...it takes practice. Any new habit takes practice. Even just remembering to drink 8 glasses of water a day can be challenging.
I need to practice living in the present...really enjoying the smiles of my boys, a warm hot shower, the warmth of the sun....my breath....all that I can experience just in the moment....
....And in hard moments I just have to keep breathing...and remember that it`s in me to change. Just turning on music instantly changes your brain state. Stepping outside can lift and ground your mood at the same time. People can draw you out of a mood. Exercise increases the production neurotransmitters that bring good healthy feelings. There are ways...I`m not at the mercy of my mood.
The tricky part is motivation....I can lose all desire to change my mood...to care. However...my spirit always just seems to find a way. My spirit always desires to live!
No comments:
Post a Comment