To See Again!

My heart aches. Easter was overall a wonderful day where new memories were created. The day was full of fun and laughter....But my heart ached!

During mass, I welled up with tears. Noah was snuggling. He nestled his body against mine. I felt love and sadness run through me at the same time. I thought about how wonderfully warm if felt to have be so close to this gentle soul. He fell asleep in my arms. I thought about how much Gord loved being close to his boys...how this large burly man just loved to hold them...be close to them. I thought about how I loved to be in his embrace. How Gord's embrace brought me a certain peace and security I only found with him.

Through these tears of sadness and grief...I still felt joy. I felt overwhelmed with the gifts I have. My boys, my family...friends. I still get to live...enjoy all this.

When you have your hand on death....life seems more alive...more amazing, magical, miraculous.

Brunch was a party! It was at a restaurant in town, a popular buffet. I ran into half the town. There was a buzz. I felt apart of something, apart of the community, I felt like I belonged.

On full bellies we retired to our home and found the rest we needed. I call them family naps! When I lay to nap...I often fall...I fall into a sadness. It is when I am weak that I am visited by sad, angry, confused uncomfortable...painful thoughts. I didn't want to get up. I wanted to stay in bed for the rest of the day. I lost all motivation.

Thankfully I care more about my children than myself. I remembered I had promised Danny an egg hunt after nap time. I just got up.

Getting up alone improved my mood. I was impressed that I could push beyond my own sadness. The outdoors awakes my soul. I feel so alive and new. I feel lifted and grounded at the same time. The boys loved their Easter egg hunt.

We proceeded to the board walk which is hidden in the forest in Hinton. It is a unique place of beauty. There are beaver dams, willows, trails and outlooks to see the mountains in the distance. The children ran, they were free. There was laughter. This was the only time that day I recall feeling free from pain.

Some good friends had joined us on the board walk and had invited us to their home for tea after our walk. We sat outside on their deck that was on the second story. The sun fell upon us...it was warm and bright. I felt so much heart ache. It just hurt so much. I could barely participate in conversation. No one knew, I was wearing sunglasses. I still know how to smile when I am in pain.

I had nothing on my mind. I was attempting to just be present...to the day, the warmth...the company..but it could not numb the pain.

I'm starting to accept that nothing can fill the void. Nothing can change the pain. There is no medicine strong enough, no replacements, no large distractions that can change this pain. I am suffering. I'm beginning to surrender my broken heart. I'm beginning to realize that even the most wonderful feelings in the world can not change my broken heart. I can see now that I have no power to fix my heart.The only one who can ever heal my heart is the one who created it. I'm giving my heart to God.

However, despite this broken heart...this chronic emotional pain..I still have so much to live for...so much to enjoy. Despite this pain, I 'm still lucky to wake up everyday. I am so fortune I have children to give my life purpose everyday.

Although this suffering is uncomfortable and painful...it is useful. I can use it to write, to pray...to be compassionate.

I was sharing with Phil and Katharine last week. They were Gord's closest friends. They have also endured tragic loss. I am always amazed by their wisdom.

I asked Phil what his theory was on suffering.

( My interpretation of what he said)

He replied, " It teaches us how to survive, we find out what we are made out of. In some ways, people like us, who survive a tragedy... we get to experience the full human experience. Suffering is what allows us to fully live. We have eyes like others don't. We see things we couldn't see before. We are able to appreciate life differently."

So I am suffering....It is hard. It is challenging to live with pain everyday. I am coming to accept that I have no power over the pain. All I can do is use it, let it transform me...change me...bring me to the full human experience. I can learn to love this world through new eyes!