This morning Danny came into my room with a picture from Gord's funeral. On the front, is a picture of Gord with Danny and Noah. They all look so happy. It was taken 3 days before Gord died. It was taken on a Sunday. We had gone to the boardwalk. I can remember the conversation Gord and I were having...like it was yesterday. I can picture his intensity, curiosity.
He was into the kids. They were playing hide and seek in the bushes. Gord was as childlike as they were. We were a family and it was awesome.
Danny began to cry...he said he missed his dad more than anything.
I started telling Danny all the things I always tell myself. We were so fortunate to have had a great dad, we were so fortunate he was so good to us and that we have so many good memories.Through my own tears...I told him dad would want us to be happy. That is all he ever wanted. I started balling telling Danny that we have to find the good in our lives still. The best way we can honor dad, honor his life...is by making the best of this world without him.
But...I didn't even believe it. It makes sense in my mind...but not in my heart.
We wish he was here and we are all trying to be happy...but the truth is we are heart broken...every day.
I do believe that eventually we will convince out hearts and minds that we are happy and one day it will be true...It will be true because we will have made the effort to create a beautiful life full of happiness, full of joy and that will be our reality. We won't have to convince ourselves anymore...because it will be true.
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