Doc's report...

I went for coffee with a good friend this morning. I was sharing with her what it is like navigating through my new reality. She said she was feeling grateful that she could go home to her normal life with kids and husband.

This is my life...and it's not normal but...it's my new normal.

I just returned from a doctors appointment an I'm feeling a huge sense of relief. I was starting to feel concerned about the nature of my emotions. It has been a wild ride. One day...I will be full of sadness, the world will look grey, confusing and I'm left wondering. The following day I can wake up an my world looks amazing...glowing...and everything feels great, I feel strong, confident..new. On these  days I have clarity. But I also have days where my head spins. My councilor explained to me that we can always block thoughts...but that it becomes challenging when we are weak and tired. It is harder to block negative thoughts, harder to focus, concentrate...redirect our minds in these times. These past few days my mind has been in over drive...processing. I felt so distracted...absent. But despite all these different types of days...different emotions...my days have become normal. I'm living...with the emotions.

I expressed to my doctor that I think I'm in transition. I told him that I've been present to the process, I've been working hard to get through the grief. I've been filling my life with activities that help me to cope with all the emotional change. I have come so far. I admitted that I don't think about Gord as often any more. He assured me that is normal and healthy. I told him this transition reminds of when I graduated from University. As exciting as it was to finally be done...I was intimidated by the future. I told him I'm starting to live this new reality and it's intimidating. He agreed and thought that my analogy does resemble that transition.

I expressed to my doctor that my anxiety seems up again. But in talking about it, I realized that I| was anxious about being anxious and I can get off that train. I'm feeling a huge lift.

My doctor affirmed me that I'm doing great, He is really happy with my progress and I just have to continue to bare through the process.

He said that I'm high functioning and healthy...and as long as my highs and lows don't last that is a good sign. He also said I seem grounded and I just have to be patient with myself.

Pheeww! That is such good news.

I often feel frustrated that I have to stay on this ride. Many times I cry just because this ride is overwhelming. But it is a process, it won't be like this forever...and somehow I am still normal..still healthy.