Yesterday Danny expressed to me that a he thinks a friend from school doesn't like him. I could tell he was quite hurt by this idea. Generally speaking, Danny is quite content on his own and he has many friends that adore him. But somehow all he could see is this grey cloud.
I remembered when I was child...I was so naive. I was the oldest of 3 other siblings. My early years I was quite sheltered with many loving family members, extended family and immediate family...as well we were always surrounded by friends of the family that were more like relatives too. In my world I was loved by everyone. When I went to school, I was very confused by the lack of interest so many kids had in me. I was often left out, laughed at and teased. Why?
I tried harder, it got worse. I never really faced my reality until my 30's. I finally realized in my 30s that I don't need to be friends with everyone. I realized not everyone will like me nor will I like everyone. I realized that personality conflicts is a very real challenge. I realized that some peoples dislike for you is often more about themselves and their own struggles. I began to realize that it's more often.... not personal.
I have had to cope with so much rejection in my life.
In my teens, through years of therapy I discovered the best way to be resilient against rejection is to have a healthy self esteem and image. I learned that a healthy self esteem is realizing all your gifts, all your weaknesses and knowing that regardless of any ones opinion; who you are is always worthy...always adequate. Every one is imperfect....therefore there is no good reason why anyone should ever feel more or less than another.
Losing Gord, having to survive in this world without my second half...my better half has undermined my sense of security. For my life to abruptly change on a dime, without warning in a way I never really imagined possible... has challenged my ability to trust that life will be OK. I have to rebuild my confidence from the bottom. It shook my confidence to have to exist with intense emotions and a new reality that most don't understand. I lost of my self esteem.
True, quiet confidence...a healthy self image and self esteem is what makes us resilient in life. For me to know that I will continue to survive or perhaps thrive with all that has happened gives me the courage and confidence to continue to believe in all that I am capable of. It is not more important for me to know I have been successful in life. It is more important to remember all that I have overcome. It is more important to believe that I can cope with challenges then it is to avoid them.
I'm finding myself coping with huge anxiety again. I'm finding myself feeling insecure. I have often found myself staring at what is going wrong in my life instead of focusing on what is working.
If I choose to look at what is working...I can see that I have so much security. I have security in many healthy strong relationships. I have security in myself that I am intelligent, educated, strong and healthy. I have security in having enough to support my family and my life. I have the skills, abilities to support my family on my own. I have developed effective coping skills to face my life..to face the grief. I have taken on many firsts as a young widow. I have been rebuilding self esteem. I have been resilient. I am secure.
I told Danny to find the good. I shared my understanding of reality. I told him that there will be many people in his life that may not like him. I shared with him that many kids may not like him for strange reasons. I suggested some will be jealous, some may be threatened, some may find things about you confusing.
I also told him.... that I can not think of one possible good reason why anyone would not like him. I told Danny he is so likable, friendly and funny. I told him he is such a kind friend and any friend would be lucky to have him as a friend. I told Danny he can spend his life worrying about the people in his life that don't like him or he can put all his energies into the ones that do. Whether someone else likes you doesn't change who you really are. You don't have to let others opinions of you define you. Finding good friends is kind of like shopping for clothes...you have to find the right fit. Not everyone is the right fit.....and that is OK. It's not always personal....sometimes it's just life. We brainstormed all the friends that appreciate him and like him...The list was long.
This idea about fitting can be misleading...I've come to realize...you just have to figure out where you fit, because it won't be with everyone.
Now I just have to remember to take my own advice.
Another useful tidbit I remember my therapist sharing with me as a teen is that some of the two biggest fears we will ever face in life is the fear of rejection and the fear of failure. She told me that if I could overcome those two fears; I could become free to live a much happier life. Today I was reminded how to overcome fear of rejection. It's not an easy solution.
Although it lifted Danny to remember all the good in his life, I could tell Danny was a bit disappointed that I didn't have a better solution...that I didn't have a way to fix his problem. I can't change how this boy thinks or how he treats Danny...all I can do is hopefully teach Danny how to cope... how to respond...how to be resilient. Hopefully Danny can continue to focus on what works best for him...what fits the best for his life.
We all have the ability to create a world that works best for us. We have to remember the positive so we can continue to attain positive results.
No comments:
Post a Comment