Final Fantasy

 I was in shock! I always heard and read that the shock of suffering a traumatic death lasts for six months. I researched emotional shock very early on. It's very abstract. Not much description. It is the brains way of coping with intense pain...denial...the brain can only process so much pain at a time.The brain creates different defense mechanisms to cope with shock. Every person responds in a unique manner.

I thought I was facing reality. I thought I was being real to the process, open to the process.

In some ways I have been, I've been present to whatever my mind was ready to process. I didn't hide...I have often been tempted...but I knew facing reality...facing the pain is the only way towards healing, towards wholeness.

Many people cope with shock by using vices...crutches...numb the pain. I've truly made an effort not to go down that road...but sometimes I do. For the most part, I stay on track. I'm too motivated. I want to be well for my kids.

Many people can stay in shock for prolonged periods. It's easier to be numb.

When Gord died...something in me died. I hid in my imagination, in a fantasy. I found a corner of my mind that allowed me to feel safe...secure. It was also a place of distraction, refuge from the pain. An escape!

My mind made a plan...a future plan so I could survive. Everyday this dream...fantasy got me out of bed. The fantasy made sense to me...I convinced myself it made sense.

This part of my mind is waking up...coming to..stepping back into the real world and unfortunately the fantasy was an unrealistic dream that could never take form the way I imagined it.

This dream did save me. It did push me through six months. It saved me from the depths of despair. It gave me purpose, motivation and hope! I needed this fantasy to survive!

My imagination was my crutch...and thankfully this crutch leaves no damage other than facing the pain of the reality.

I imagined I could get back to where I was. Happily married...with little effort. I imagined the idealistic dream that a man would just show up, it would just happen...it would just be. I imagined I would be at the same spot, with the same security, stability...soul connection. My mind needed to believe this because it was all I understood. It was the only way I knew how to survive...how to be happy. I thought being married was the only way I could be happy. I fantasized it would be easy. Just like with Gord.

But reality hit. Hit hard.

Any dream...all real dreams demand effort. And although my mind would like to believe it was all super easy with Gord...that is not the truth.

We spent nine years building a relationship to get it to the point of being... easy. In some ways...relatively speaking being in relationship with Gord was easier than any other relationship I have had. Just because of his nature...our natures together. I can honestly say I don't recall a rocky road with Gord, but I do remember having to face obstacles. He was so steady...so objective. Any issue only demanded a rational conversation. He brought my emotional world into balance. Our love just flowed steady...like a river.

But it was work, we had to start at the bottom.

I've realized that I have to start at the bottom and I'm feeling disillusioned by the journey. I will have to learn about myself again. I will need to discover what will fit now. What worked before will be different..because I am now changed. Relationships take effort, they can be challenging, they take commitment and honesty. Initially, they can rocky, there can be doubt...insecurities. I will get hurt...I may have to hurt others in the process. I am realizing that this is a huge under taking and at this moment I'm not feeling motivated at all. I imagine when I'm stronger to handle stresses of life; the joys of dating will become an exciting adventure. But I'm also beginning to face the reality that I am in fact vulnerable. I have suffered a trauma, a tragic loss and I am finally accepting that although I have at times been strong throughout this process I am emotionally vulnerable.

For now, for today based on what I have seen in myself,  I'm seeing the single life as a safe place. I will continue to walk alongside all my family, friends and kids... Evidently, I'm not so alone after all.

In the very early weeks after Gord died it appeared as though my dreams were shattered and I would never recover. I can remember the councilor saying..." But don't you think you could have new dreams?"

I remember being astounded...having absolutely no clue what she was talking about. How? What new dreams?

But then it happened, I started building new dreams. What drew me to the point where I could dream again; was needing to have dreams for my kids. My mind had a really hard time and still does have a hard time processing that they will have to grow up without their dad. He was an amazing dad. He was suppose to have an amazing influence on their lives. He was suppose to be a part of their journey, our journey. Since this is no longer possible...I want to do what ever I can to promote their happiness. The most important thing I can do is avoid despair.

Over the past six months I've really come to see that Gord will always be a part of our journey because he was a part of our world. Both Danny and Noah carry so much of his genetics...we all knew his character, we knew him so well. He has been intricately woven into our souls and his legacy still leads us.

So I have new dreams...for me and my children.

 I write...I use to love writing as a teen, it was an amazing outlet. A teacher encouraged me to write daily, creatively...in English.  She became my mentor, my hope. She played an instrumental role in who I am today. She often shared my work with my classmates and they seemed to appreciate it. As I healed from my childhood and teen issues I think the need to write dissipated. As well, as I progressed into critical writing as opposed to creative writing I discovered I was lacking some important skills. I began to fail. This killed my confidence. I tucked away my creative writing until now.

In university I wrote tons. Tons and tons of papers. I learned critical writing skills. I worked very hard but my creative writing was still in hiding.

It is emerging again. Now, I have both creative and critical writing skills...and it's magical.

I'm unsure where this dream is heading...but so far, I'm excited.

My children..... my hopes, dreams and expectations. My children are awesome. I just marvel in their presence all the time. They already have empathy...emotional intelligence. It's incredible. They are bright, kind and friendly. I know my kids are going to grow up to be amazing people. They have already adapted to live with less. They know how to get through days when they don't feel like it. They know how to put others needs ahead of their own. They are going to be just fine and they teach me everyday how to be resilient. They always get back up. The idea of giving up hasn't even crossed their minds yet. My dream for them...is that they simply continue to be resilient!


So...can I still dream? Can a future still appear in my fantasy?

Yes! But it is new, changed and transformed. It is real!

Like an athlete...I know the process is as important as the medal. I am going to dream about being strong and healthy. I am going to imagine what it looks like to be healed. I will continue to do all I can to rebuild myself...rebuild my soul. I will believe that someday I will have the strength and courage to truly enter the dating world along with the confidence that I am worthy of another healthy and happy marriage. I will enter into this world with the expectations that I can handle the bumps along the road, that I can handle the commitment that a true and honest relationship demands.

 For now... my mind finally believes that I have been able to find happiness daily; despite the fact that I'm not married. I can survive,  be happy and be single.

My new hope lies in building a strong self so that I will be equipped for the next chapter in my life. I haven't given up on the hope of remarriage, I have given up on the fantasy that remarriage would be easy. I have faced another reality, I have left a fantasy. That part of my mind is empty and is ready to build real dreams...real hope. I realize now that I have a long road ahead of me. It is disappointing..but at least it is real.