I wanted to control the pain, I wanted to believe I could control this suffering. I wanted to believe I could get back what I lost in some way shape or form. It has often felt humiliating to be so at the mercy of my emotions, my mind. I was thinking about this last night wondering why I have to be OK with this. I realized that don't need to feel ashamed by my emotional or mental state, I need to be humble and accept that right now...it is just my reality. It is simply a reflection of how important Gord was in my life and how much I love him. I am doing the best I can to manage my emotional and mental world and that is all I can do. This suffering doesn't at all change my actual dignity. I have dignity just being alive, whether I am normal or not.
I was relying on a hope that I could cure myself. It's seems so natural that I would want all this. However, it is all fruitless. I can't control the pain, I can manage it. I can never get back to the life I had being married to Gord. It will never be the same. It's not possible.
Last night I was reading posts on the young widows bulletin board site, a man who had lost his wife 18 months prior was just realizing in a new relationship; that it is going to be a very long journey to get back to a similar place in his new relationship compared to where he was at with his previous wife. It is so normal that we just want to believe that we can have something so wonderful back again. I'm facing this reality so much earlier...but it will serve me to have realistic expectations. I think it is more healthy for me to find real security in what is actually possible. I will more likely cope better with the realities of life if I am facing them. In fact...I will be armed to be stronger to face new challenges if I'm willing to accept all that reality holds. Reality is unpredictable. This is not all bad...sometimes it means that unexpected good things happen too.
Gord died right in front of me without warning. This event has been the most unpredictable, the most shocking, and paralyzing event in my entire life. It has undermined my entire world view. I'm slowly piecing it together. I have a hard time with the unpredictable. I have a hard time with dramatic change. But I don't want to spend my life avoiding change. I don't want to spend my life being paralyzed by unexpected change. I need to become comfortable again with the unpredictable. I need to expect to unexpected and believe that I can still in fact cope.
This suffering..this trial is real. It is so real! I'm beginning to accept the suffering. I'm beginning to really understand that there is no curing this loss...there is only enduring the loss.
This really did happen, it really hurts...and there will be times...that it always will.
This seems like such a sad view. It is! This is so sad. But it is still the truth. From my history...this isn't the first time I've had to accept a hard truth about myself. In the past, it was only when I accepted the truth I was able to fully live with it, grow from it....I overcame it! It know longer has any negative grip on me. In fact, it is a huge part of my experience that helps define who I am. It was only when I was able to fully accept my condition that I could accept all that was needed to live with it. I became empowered!
It is only when we fully resign to the truth about our power that we can become empowered in the areas we do have power.
I am not powerless! There is so many areas of my life I have power. I can actively reduce stress in my life. I can actively increase all the things in my life that make me feel alive...feel joy. I can practice healthy emotional responses. I can build a healthy emotional world to help me better cope with the pain. I can give myself permission to rest, to tap out.. or to do something fun!
For me this suffering is transforming into love. I can continue to let my suffering drive my passions. There are times I feel so alive, so powerful. I have a new focus. I think all this pent up energy and emotion can fuel my passions.
Yesterday at Taekwondo we had to work on sparring. Sparring is not where my natural talent lies. I'm usually avoid conflict.... but that is starting to change. I always feel awkward sparring. I worry about getting hurt and hurting others. The more I spar, the more I learn it's not about getting hurt...it's about learning techniques and strategies. I have learned sparring techniques that has given me confidence in the real world. I have learned that being unpredictable in conflict can really throw your opponent. I've learned that stepping in as opposed to stepping back gives you more power. I've learned that dodging and blocking is just as valuable as being on the offence. I've learned how to battle fair. Last night I had to spar against a teenage black belt. It is believed to be a great benefit to spar against other belt levels, It is always good to be challenged. The teenage boy is a kind boy, he is somewhat shy but still friendly, as we bowed he said he would go easy on me.
I was focused, I forgot about my fears, I applied technique and strategy and the instructor advised the black belt that he didn't need to pull back. I was holding my own!
My point is that although this experience is exhausting and continuously challenging, it is also full of gifts. I get to have a new energy I never experienced before...that is giving me a new confidence I have never had before. I went to Taekwondo in a low mood last night. I was struggling with feelings of shame about my state. I assumed I would not have a good night sparring with such a bad attitude. I was wrong!!! There is something so strong me that keeps just wanting to live. My thoughts began to change...I remembered something someone said to me when I was feeling defeated.
" It is not important whether you succeed or fail...it is that you do not become discouraged."
This is hard..but getting discouraged, feeling shame...is only going to bring me down and slow me down. I don't want to be down. It is not conducive for me or my children. I have to persevere.
This fight is testing my endurance and as long as I keep to it...I will continue to find out what my spirit is made of. I will endure!
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