Reality Rocks!

Some days, I’m flying high, then, reality rocks me. I feel like I’m in transition, in the middle. The fulcrum, The point of change...the point of inertia.  I feel like I’m standing in the middle of my past and my future. I feel tension. My minds bends, tangles...I feel confused.

I feel afraid to move.

I have worked so hard to get through this process. I have faced my darkness, my reality. I was motivated...for so many reasons. I didn’t want to feel this way. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable...it’s confusing. I want to get back to having a good life and mostly because I want my kids to have a good life. I kept moving, living...sometimes taking risks...always moving forward.

It’s an ongoing experiment. I don’t know my limitations. They change. What I could do one day is sometimes more than I can do two days later. Not the most predictable. All that is predictable is that I have good days and bad days.  Stress...anxiety...compromises me. I reduce what I can... but it finds me...of course it finds me. When does life not have problems? We are either facing problem, solving a problem or about to enter another problem. It doesn’t end. My problem is that... unfortunately, I`m still emotionally fragile.  I get rocked by reality...by stress.

In the middle of my beautiful kitchen there is hard wood raised into a peak about 6 cms high. It’s like a scar on a pretty face. It began with a leak in my fridge. When my nanny pointed out the leak in the ceiling of the basement, instead of dealing with it, I became paralyzed and I left. I continued on with my day like everything was normal.  I was afraid. I called my brother the moment I got into the van. Minutes later he contacted me and instructed me to get home...I had to deal with this problem.

As I drove home, I became emotionally overwhelmed.  I had never had to cope with anything like this before and where is my husband. Seriously...I have to deal with this...all by myself! I fell in to a panic, ..I fell apart.

Mike coached me. Grounded me! Reminded me...this was going to be ok.

I relaxed.

But every day I walked into that kitchen something went off in me.

I`m not sure what was more devastating. Realizing that I had to cope with a housing issue without my husband or accepting that I fell apart again.

I`m still on an emotional roller coaster, and although I have gained strength and I am learning how to cope with life I am still easily rocked!

Sharing with girlfriends is a wise endeavor. After a few conversations it became apparent that most women would respond the same as I did if there husband was out of town or not around. It’s overwhelming when you feel ill-equipped to solve a major problem. But I’ m learning.  I’m learning that if I don’t know what to do, I can quickly find someone who does. This world is full of experts. Most problems, no matter how serious...can be solved. The floor will be fixed, it will be a process, I will need to be patient...but soon it will be behind me and I can use this experience to remind myself that it can be empowering to solve problems...they won’t kill me.

However, although it is great that I am discovering I can survive on my own...this event has still left me missing Gord. I miss being loved...all the time...no matter what. I miss knowing that no matter what happened in my outer world there was one person I could depend on to love me. It didn’t mean my life was perfect, or that I was happy all the time...or that everything always went my way. It meant that no matter what happened to my life...to me...I had the security of knowing that one person was devoted to me...always.

My kids are that love for me now and it surprises me daily how their little natures satisfy so much of my needs. They talk to me all the time. We have the neatest, cutest conversations. They love me so unconditionally. They love to snuggle.

But at the end of the day, I still need more.

I find I continue to perceive the world differently. I have a new appreciation for men. I have a new appreciation of how men are such a wonderful compliment to woman. One bonus of my house needing service is that I have had to talk to men. I enjoy their grounding energy. I love their tendency towards problem solving. I like their objectivity and practical ideas. I miss the nature of a man .I like the sound of a man’s voice. I enjoy the presence a man brings...strength, protectiveness, helpfulness  .. I’m really feeling the loss of losing my husband and it is making me appreciate men.

A man from flooring came to look at the damage. He was astounded by the damage! He could tell I was feeling overwhelmed. I explained my situation. He immediately became my advocate.  He coached me on how to deal the insurance, the adjuster...he told me what he would want done if it was him...what is the best value. He showed me in a logical way, all my alternatives and helped me to make the best decision. He became compassionate to my situation and he instantly became like a big brother that really wanted to be helpful. He genuinely wanted to just be a good man.

My reality can be rocky at times but I’m learning how to find my footing. I’m learning how to walk through the rubble when it all comes crashing down.  I’m surviving in this world without a man... that is just for me...but I’m learning to appreciate that there are good men that can be helpful...that care.

It is healing for me to experience compassion from other men. I have so much hope.

I would never choose this independency I’ve had to face, but every time I do I become empowered with more confidence. I can see how I am building more resilience to cope with stress. It’s hard to find strength when I have to do it alone, but when I find it...I discover that I am stronger than I could of imagined. I'm figuring out how to be responsible for myself, responsible for my own happiness.

It’s difficult to live in a world without that special love to bring me that deep sense of security. But sometimes life is hard. I just have to keep baring through it. Get through the rocky times. I have lost a great man... but I'm continuing to experience that men can be compassionate, that many men genuinely want to be a good man. I’m seeing that a man’s compassion is one of the most beautiful, healing things I’ve experienced on this journey. Fathers, brothers and men are one of the many wonderful things that make my world shine.

A part of my heart is always yearning for more...but at least I have hope! 

“   The emotion that breaks your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”

-Nicholas Sparks