Grief is not an illness or a disease...it is a transition, a process. I have been advised to not do too much research about the grieving process, to just let it take it's course. To me that is like taking a trip and knowing nothing about what to expect, knowing nothing about the destination. This is my first experience with grief. I have only lost grandparents that were in their 80's. So different! I am fascinated and I am curious!
What I most enjoy about the research is it normalizes the experience for me. It reminds me that although everything I feel and experience seems abnormal compared to before I lost Gord...it is all normal given the circumstances. Like pregnancy, every ailment is most likely normal...the oddest thing and someone else has experienced it. It reduces my anxiety and makes me feel empowered to have understanding.
Yesterday I was watching my boys, thinking and planning about their futures. They are often coping with separation and transition. I thought about separation anxiety. I decided to research separation anxiety and young spousal death. Interesting!
When a baby or toddler and sometimes even in kindergartner has to be separated from a parent you can witness a child suffer from separation anxiety. It is heart wrenching for an adult. Just taking a soother away can mean a 3 day temper tantrum, as they muster up all possible emotion to try and save their soul from having to be separated from an attachment, from being separated from something that brought them comfort, from something they believe helps them to cope to survive. So far, helping my boys through these transitions, though these separations has been the most challenging endeavor as a parent.
However, helping them through these transitions brings growth and freedom. They learn new coping mechanisms and sometimes they learn they don't need those attachments after all. Over time, they adapt and come to realize that they are OK...they can survive...
I'm desperately wanting Noah to transition into a bed. My sleep is one of the most important keys to my success in coping with life. I have to set myself up for success. I have 2 boys to raise. I also want the freedom to travel. I am now dying to go to the city. Cabin season is about to begin. I love road trips..seeing family and friends. I want to go shopping, go to good restaurants and go to a movie. I want to take my kids to the movies, the waterpark and the zoo. I want to get out of dodge. But.... Noah is too big for a playpen and transitioning to a bed for the first time away from home runs great risk of a bad night for all. So I`m determined...I`m ready to make the commitment...but am I?
Last night I tried...we read books, sang songs and prayed. I told him if he could sleep in a big boy bed, we could go visit all our family. He was pumped.....until it was time to sleep. He stood on his bed and screamed...I can`t do this. I held the door shut as he screamed with every once of energy he had. He wanted Noah`s bed. He wanted the crib. I felt like I was torturing him. He has already had to cope with so much transition and separation. Could this be too early?....Could this be too much for him?...Too hard on me?
This article touched on the great struggle...the great conflict a person endures when coping with a big loss. They compared the loss of a spouse to a main character dying mid story. I could relate. This analogy rang true for me. How does the story go on? My story has taken a sharp turn, there are many similar characters and settings; however, there are also new characters, a new destination and a new ending. I would love to plot out this story. I wish I could write with a plan. But I can`t...this story has to unfold day by day, page by page.
I`m in the process of letting go of Gord as my husband on earth, I`m in the process of letting go of many dreams, I`m also in the process of letting go the need to control. I`m beginning to surrender to the process...trust in the process. I often still feel like I`m walking in the dark. I still feel like I can`t see beyond the step in front of me. I want to know what to expect. I need a map...a compass! I want my own " choose your own adventure."
.... This tale is designed to be left up to mystery...up to chance. I have to live, I have to take chances, I have to take risks. The great thing about mysteries is that...it can be exciting!
If I look at the trail behind me I see a strong road, full of encouragement and light. I see that I have fallen many times but I always find my way back to the road. I have never been fully abandoned..I have never been left to die. I know many times I have been carried. I can surrender to the process in knowing that although it is challenging and painful...I will survive. I am coping with separation from someone that was the main character in my story. I`m in transition as this story unfolds...I`m learning new coping mechanisms and perhaps learning that I can survive without this attachment. Although I haven't had a map to follow or direction...it has always seemed like I'm being lead.
This transition is bringing growth...it is bringing freedom. It is time to let go...and hold on. It is time to embrace the adventure! Embrace the mystery!
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