I was talking to my brother tonight and sharing my good day. I was expressing to him the peace I enjoy... just from experiencing a normal day. An ordinary day. It was a long road just to get this far. I told him how my counselling sessions are changing. We laugh sometimes now and she is more like a friend. I'm not needing as much therapy...almost more guidance. I still don't always think in straight lines and my interpretations of my new reality often needs to be questioned. My lens is still coming into focus.
But there are times I still grieve in sessions. On Monday I shared that losing this true love is hard to accept. She continues to remind me that having the deep knowledge that Gord and I loved each other is a rare thing that many people never experience in life time. The hard part is accepting that I lost the most wonderful love I ever had, I lost something that is rare...
Mike said that he assumes that I may never accept that.
I responded that I hope that someday I do accept this reality; because there is no point in being devastated about something I can't change. I do not want to waste my life being miserable about something I can't have, about someone that I lost. Misery won't bring him back, it won't improve my life, it will hold me back from a wonderful life...that is waiting for me to live . I believe history has a reputation of repeating itself, so I could miss out; if I don't make the effort..the effort to live.
Mike agreed!
I am rich with love and I am rich with life. There is so much suffering in the world today and I don't know... the next moment, when my time might throw me another hard ball. But right now I have so much. I have health. There are people, kids spending their lives in hospitals just hoping for a second chance. There are people who suffer from mental illness and addiction. Their days are never normal.
I have so much love and support. Honestly...as hard as it is to believe...some days I still feel like I need more support. But what I have everyday, whether I see them or hear them...I have so many people that love me, think about me and pray for me everyday.
All my basic needs are always met. There is a small percentage of us in this world that can say that. Plus I have more than I need. Way more! We are so privileged. I'm fairly certain most people I know went to an island this winter. That is fortunate!
I really don't want to spend much time wishing to have more when there is already so much to enjoy.
I'm overwhelmed with the riches in my life. I lost my true love, my best friend... a treasure. He is rare, our love was rare...
But somehow today..despite all I have lost I am still full with life and love.
Yesterday a good friend sent me a lyric. It didn't register at first. But today...my mind digested it my heart began to understand.
" What you don't have you don't need it now."
U2 - It's a Beautiful Day
When Gord died, living without him was unimaginable, unbearable...I thought I would stop breathing. However, here I am living, breathing and apparently, obviously...I have all that I need...to live!
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