I'm going to be candid, honest... real. I'm sad, disappointed and discouraged. I miss Gord, I miss being married, I miss feeling loved...I miss being happy. THIS SUCKS! This is the opposite of fun.
I 've always thought this road was tough...but now I think it is ridiculous. I am sad, I cry...every single day, usually alone, occasionally I receive a hug from my boys. I also laugh, smile, go get groceries, work, run errands, hang out with friends, be a mom and exercise. Today I did taxes for the first time in 10 years. Actually I'm relying on an expert. Good thing! That also sucked, many questions about spouse. I have filled my life with things that bring my life happiness but I still feel sad. I am surrounded by people but I still feel alone.
I'm so tired. I'm tortured with insomnia...again. Supposedly, it's a good thing...it forces you to slow down...so you can face the pain. I can't believe there is more. I really hoped the intensity would've changed by now. Honestly...can you tell I'm frustrated.
But of coarse, like everything else there is an upside to where I am at in my journey.
I have resumed all regular activity. I'm living my life relatively the same way I did when Gord was alive. My relationships are fully functioning. I've mostly settled all issues with the estate. I guess that is pretty awesome. I'm healthy. I so far have managed to avoid alcoholism , drug addiction and any other activities I might of regretted. The only thing I have yet to do is go visit all my friends and family in Edmonton. However, it's no longer because of a fear to drive. I know I could drive to Edmonton. It's that my two year old still hasn't transitioned into a bed and neither of us seem up to the change. Other than that, I've conquered many firsts and I am in fact living a normal life.
This normal still kind of sucks!
Thanks for listening to my rant!
PS. Still plan on making the best of this life, just not right in this moment!
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