Relatively speaking

Saturday morning reflections.

If I  look at today and just see today I feel disappointed. I'm still alone, my life is totally altered, I am still often plagued with intense emotions and thoughts. It's been six months and sometimes it seems like I have gotten nowhere.

Thank goodness for my blog, my writing. It really is one of my most amazing adventures. So many times I just sit and pound out my thoughts and feelings. I'll read it over and think, " Wow, I just wrote that...I didn't even know I thought that or felt that." It's so cathartic, rewarding...consoling. I'm not the best at picking up on detail so I have to reread my work over and over and over. This has been a good process. Every time I reread I get something new out of my writing...it is so healing.

Last night I reread my blog. It provoked a sadness...it reminded me this really happened. It reminded me that I really had to travel this road. I relived many of the emotions and thoughts I have uncovered through out these months. Most important...I discovered what I overcame.

In the early months I was faced with an intense loneliness that was consuming my whole being. It was terrifying...overwhelming.

I have conquered loneliness. I still cope with the reality of being alone..feeling occasionally lonely...but it doesn't overwhelm me. It doesn't result in a spiral of negative...self defeating thoughts. I know now that it is a temporary feeling, it is a universal feeling. It is a reaction to feeling a lack of human connection. I know how to re mediate these feelings. Reach out...I need to make connections. I need to trust that the human connections I have are always there..that I'm always connected. I need to build connections with my self. Bond with myself...know thy self.

I have learned how to be with myself and I am enjoying myself more than I have in my entire life. Just to be totally real...there are also many times I drive myself crazy. My mind still has so much to process and sometimes it's frustrating to live in a state where my mind is in overdrive. But there are so many more good days now...where I can just enjoy myself...enjoy my thoughts. My inner world is often just as beautiful as my outer.

I've conquered feelings of isolation.

I have found ways to cope with feelings of isolation. I've come to realize that most people feel isolated at times with their feelings. Everybody at times feel like no one else understands their struggles. And it's true. Sometimes we do have to journey alone.

But I've discovered a website where there is 10's of thousands of young widows. We see the world through a similar lens. We have many of the same struggles and issues. Whenever I share, I find out that everything I feel, everything I think and often things I do or don't do is all normal given my circumstances. This gives me great consolation.

It's still hard to accept that this circumstance does still separate me from the general population. But what I am finding out is that I can still share my experience and whether or not people relate, whether or not they understand...I see they care and they have compassion. I'm seeing that people are so understanding of my ups and downs. They are understanding that I fumble, that I fall. I can see that people just want to see me happy and are encouraging me.

So if I just look at today I will be left feeling discouraged. |However if I look at the whole picture, since six months ago, I can see that I am strong...I have overcome so many obstacles and fears. I have worked through many issues and I have resolved many problems. Socially, I faced many challenges but I have confronted many of these issues and I am rebuilding many relationships and they are flourishing and in many ways will have a new strength...a new bond. I have come to appreciate that people can support me in many different ways and that I welcome what ever support is available. I've come to be able to have mutually beneficial relationships where I can have an active supportive role as well. Really...I have come so far, I am a new person, with a new life. Sometimes I miss all that I had before but sometimes I appreciate all the gifts I have received...that would be impossible  to have if I had not endured this loss.