Yesterday I was on the computer, I accidentally hit a button and this picture flashed on the screen. Without any reflection emotion spilled out of me. The wave consumed me, overwhelmed me. I was flooded with memories. Some of the best memories of my life. It was only just over a year ago that Gord, the kids and I joined my parents in Kuaui.
What an awesome place. Gord and I fell in love with this island. It reminded me of another favorite place, in interior BC. Kaslo! ...A small town in the Kootney mountains... a hidden treasure where some of my most favorite people live. Family...extended family. This town is surrounded by mountains, it is the end of the road. It is quiet...it is beautiful.
Kauai to me was like a ... Kaslo meets Hawaii. Lush, large mountains surround the land and the beaches are quiet, the roads were empty. The small towns were quaint with shops and restaurants, but it felt more like a home than a destination. The people who lived there were hippies who seemed to have it all figured out!
Our days melted into each other. The kids were the best part, it was so entertaining watching and playing with them as they enjoyed this world. The wine and conversation between the four of us flowed every evening and the days...just took care of themselves. I had 10 days of bliss, euphoria. Spending this holiday with Gord only made me fall further in love with him. It felt like a dream, but it was...real!
As I fell towards these deep emotions and became overwhelmed in my grief, I could over hear Noah from the basement.
In desperation, " Danny, mom is crying."
Obviously unaware, Danny replied, " No she is not!"
Noah, with his tenacious energy, " Danny, mom is really crying!!!"
Danny stopped and then with urgency, " Noah, you are right, mom is crying, Let's go!"
Just hearing this, I couldn't help but smile.
They ran up the stairs with a mission, coming to my rescue. Noah immediately started with his usual silliness. That is his favorite strategy to get his mom to smile and laugh. Danny climbed up the stool, wrapped himself around me and said his usual.
"Do you miss dad?"
Through a tearful grin and a soft laugh I showed them the picture, . They recounted the memories of that special trip, the journey with their dad.
My boys, my little angels know how to save their mothers soul. I am so fortunate!
God has sent me so many angels...so many super heroes.
It didn't always seem like enough...but now I realize that I really received all I have needed to get this far.
I am so moved by my parents unwavering desire to help me, to be there for me, to support me. It has touched me deeply to see how they continue to show up. They just keep loving me. This weekend reminded me of our time in Kauai. It was so easy! We had so much fun with the boys, we played them out and then the wine and conversation just flowed. Surprisingly, I had those warm feelings return...that made me feel like the world is in order again. It is beautiful and I am loved.
Over the past six months there are so many times where I received the comfort, encouragement and hope I needed to persevere. Social media reminded me everyday how much people care. To some... a simple "like", positive quote , a private message or email may feel like a small act...but I promise you there are many times that small gesture lifted my spirits for the day.
Prayers, hugs, phone calls, regular phone dates, routine visits, girls nights, meals and the encouragement I have received to keep writing. This all helped. These acts lifted me, sometimes grounded me, sometimes brought me to tears...in a good way. Today I want to acknowledge and extend the deepest and sincerest thank you all those who have ever supported me in small ways...in large ways. This journey has been difficult but it has been paved with love. It has been surrounded by love. No wonder I have come so far!
Losing someone who has been a daily support has often left me feeling alone...but I'm really beginning to learn that I am not so alone after all.
This past week I was revisited with feelings of loneliness, abandonment and isolation. I wrestled with my soul in search for hope, meaning and peace. In the depths of despair and desperation, in my moments of weakness, tiredness and dark imaginings...I climbed out and I found it. I found hope, meaning and peace.
I was having a hard time facing the truth about my state....That I am no longer married, that I no longer had a human that loves me in that special way...that I loved in that special way.
What I found....
Hope in new dreams.
New purpose to give my life meaning
Peace!
Peace...in knowing that I was fully loved. Well loved by Gord. I am feeling so grateful that he was able to be such a rock in my life, such a constant. I am so grateful that he desired that. I love that he wanted to spend time with me, he wanted to love me. I am so fortunate! I have peace in knowing that I am daily surrounded by people that love me. I am at peace knowing that I am safe, I am free! I am at peace living in a beautiful world that is waiting for me to fully embrace today, fully embrace the now!
Tomorrow is Easter. I keep being told to expect these occasions to be hard... but again I feel joy. Gord makes it easy for me to have joy. I know...it is what Gord would want for me and his boys. There is so much to celebrate! I am surrounded by angels and superheros. I live in a beautiful world. I am loved! And most importantly I am the most fortunate woman I know to have been so well loved by her husband.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeuVBc76jas
I sang this song in a small group choir a few years ago. It came to me tonight. Reminds me a new beginnings and living in the present...in the new day!
Happy Easter!
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