Lighten up...it's humorous!

It’s time to lighten up! This new road in my life can be traveled with whatever disposition I choose. I’m ready to experiment. My mind is opening up to testing a new approach.

I’m often discouraged by the tumultuous road. It’s like I wake with a mood and it’s handed to me, whether I choose it or not, whether I like it or not….

But I’m learning how to cope with it, how to curb it…change it.

I start building. On days when I awake to an unwelcome mood or emotion, I've developed a formula that can get me though the day. This formula has many times altered my mood, my perceptions and interpretations. I just start doing things that improve my mood. Friends, writing, music, exercise.

Yesterday…it occurred to me. It’s time to chill out. It’s time to let go. It’s time to just laugh. Just laugh at my life…at myself.

Although I am emotional, I’m still quite capable of being rational. Gord introduced me to this world. Gord somehow could bring my emotional world into focus and simplify. What I miss about Gord so much right now is that he always had a way to make me feel normal. The emotional world was unusual to him. Although he had difficulty fully understanding me he seemed to always affirm me. He had strong communication skills. He knew how to paraphrase what I feeling, he would say things like I can see why you would feel that way. I imagine, if I could talk to him right now he would say that everything I say do makes perfect sense given the circumstances. He wouldn't respond emotionally, he would respond rationally. I miss that so much and I wonder how I continue to carry on without him. But I do. I can also speculate that he would be proud of me for making whatever efforts I can to be happy. I think he would appreciate that I’m really making an effort to find happiness in this world without him. That is all he ever wanted for all of us. I think he would also say that it is perfectly understandable that there are times that we experience sadness, anger and anxiety. I also think he would challenge me to try and chill out a little.

I’m looking from the outside inward at my emotional world and I’m realizing that I have been dramatizing my emotions; I have caused them to escalate. They are escalating because I am uncomfortable with them, because I think there is something wrong with them. I fret about being sad; I’m frustrated with myself when I feel angry and I was getting worried about feeling anxious. This is not helpful.  My mind and emotions are trying to piece my new reality together…it’s going to take time to recover.

So now what, how do I live with this huge emotional world and turbulent mood changes.  This is my reality!

I laugh!

 A good friend of mine has six children. I’m coming to realize that we connect so easily because we have so much in common. She has the busiest life…but somehow she just sees it as being normal. She seems to relate to me when I talk about my head spinning and my absent mindedness.We wonder how we get through our days, how our kids just continue to be happy, to thrive.  And half the time…all we do is laugh. Laugh at ourselves…our lives. And you know what; it is humorous!

My new parenting style is forcing me to decide what really matters. I  see how taking pressure off myself is taking pressure off my kids. We are all learning how to just be. We are all learning to create our own worlds that best meet our own needs.  We are learning how to self sooth.  Some of my favorite moments with my boys are when we are all in the same room…doing independent activities…and it just feels awesome to be together. But I’m also learning….that sometimes…it’s good to just let go off all of this…everything. The pain, the stress…the thinking…the feeling and just play. Laugh!

Last night I took the boys to the playground. Often times I’m on my phone, on FB, checking emails. I watch them. I enjoy them. But last night I decided to play. I chased them, made pretend with them. We went on an adventure. I went on the swings and it felt awesome. My most rewarding moments are when I just play with my boys. I see how much they love this…

It’s time to play, it’s time to live…it’s time to laugh.

I’m thinking there is a possibility that I have been taking my life too seriously, taking myself too seriously. I’m running in circles, I stumble often right now. I’m up, I’m down. It can be embarrassing. It’s humbling. I laugh when I’m embarrassed. Sometimes…it’s just better to laugh.

Noah is almost 3. He is so cute, playful and friendly. He is also wild, untamed and has boundless energy. So it’s all good…as long I don’t have to be in a public setting where there is any expectation that my son will be a civilized human being.

Church is my most challenging hour of the week. I often leave in a sweat. I exercise deep breathing techniques so I keep my cool. I keep going because I believe it will bless my children’s life, bless my life. I don’t always know how it will bless my life…but I do know that I am blessed!

Church is not designed for toddlers. I tell myself God loves them…therefore they can come. It’s a tough climate to parent in. How to discipline in church?  When all you want them to do is be quiet the last thing you can do is get into a power struggle with them. With Danny I can use incentives for after church. Noah on the other hand, can’t wait an hour to be rewarded. So it’s tough, I try to roll with it.

Last Sunday, I had a mom moment. Noah was leaving the pew; he looked at me…like watch this. As I stepped towards him he ran to the altar. There he was mid altar, looking at me with a coy, cute grin. He motioned,"Come and get me.”

Shoot, I thought, is this really happening. Am I really that mom right now? I am having that mom moment right now in front of 200 hundred people and I am at a loss for what to do. I knew if I chased him, he would have me making circles around Father Brian.  So I stood there and watched. I watched as he circled around.  Father Brian is the best. He acted as if nothing was happening, he just continued. I wanted to die. I wanted to grab my boy and hide in a cave. When I finally saw my moment to catch him, I jumped in. Thankfully, there were only a few minutes until I could make a slick exit. When I got to the van, I fell apart. I could tell my boys were full of remorse for their behavior. They know this is hard for me. I’m fairly certain…Noah won’t do that again.

For the rest of the day, these images starting running through my head, I was plagued with feelings of helplessness, powerlessness. The worst feelings ever!  But then I started to share. I had been invited to my friends for brunch. We started swapping embarrassing church stories. It quickly became apparent… this is so normal. I began to realize that it was quite humorous.

My little Noah reminds all of us to not take our selves too seriously. There is so much in the world that is outside our power. I could let it crush me or I can find the humor in it. I’m really beginning to see…it’s just not the end of the world. I thought it was the end of the world for me when Gord died…but it wasn't. My world is still here, still alive…still beautiful.

Developing a healthy emotional world takes practice, takes discipline. I plan my days. My days are full of responsibility, rest, play, writing and exercise. I practice peace, gratefulness and relaxation. I make a huge effort to surround myself with things and people that increase my joy.  It is all important…to be balanced; to be happy.

 I have a new plan. My new plan is to practice more laughter. It really is quite funny…after all.