A Light in the Darkness

I’m missing meaning...purpose. Objectively, I have so much purpose and meaning in my life. I’m so grateful I spent the past six months building a life that gave me a sense of purpose. I’m so grateful that among the complete breakdown of my whole being, I was still able to love my children.  I remember two days after Gord died I woke up and made Danny and Noah oatmeal. My sister was astonished. I can remember her saying, “How are you making them a hot breakfast?”

I responded, “I don’t know how, but somehow I can, somehow I want to.”

Every day I have got out of bed. Every single day!

I wanted to live. I just couldn’t lose everything.

I wanted to inspire. I wanted to use this experience to heal myself and inspire others. I remembered I loved to write. This gave me great purpose. Recently I haven’t been receiving as much feedback about my blog. It has made me question if something was off. I was trying to be rational...but it wasn’t working. I became discouraged. I was losing my purpose.

I cope with mom guilt every single day. Every day I fall short from what I believe I should be providing my kids. Mostly just in attention. If I could just meet that one need beyond feeding them I might feel a bit better.  

Since this event has happened I have had to cope with a major change in limitations. My doctor often says that I’m too hard on myself. I haven’t quite figured out what he means yet, but he suggested that I should research how people with major limitations cope, e.g. paraplegics. I remember when I was super sick I expressed to my doctor that my kids were probably sick because I wasn't cooking very good meals. He asked me what I fed them. He responded that, by feeding them three meals a day I was feeding my kids better then some who don't have problems. This made me think. He said as long as they were eating...he was happy.

From the little investigation I did, I discovered that people with major limitations  learn to appreciate all the things they can do and  become empowered when they are able to do something  they were unable to do before.

I have so many people to love...and so many people that love me. But at the end of the day...what I need, what I crave...what I yearn for is love...unconditional love from one person.

I feel lost...my heart and mind are lost...they don’t know where to go.  I spent 10 years devoting a huge part of my heart to one man and now....he is not here. I miss having one special person to think about, to love. I miss being loved by one special person.

I know I am well loved...I know I am not alone. I know am loved by God.  I know that I have so much purpose and meaning in my life...but somehow...right now...it’s not enough.

I have to dig deeper. I have to find a new inspiration...new purpose. I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what it is.

What I do know....I won’t give up, I will keep persevering. I’m climbing again, I’m so tired of climbing but there really are no other options.

I wish I had something to give right now. I wish I had words of wisdom, inspiration. But tonight I don’t.

I will be surprised...if something doesn’t come to me. It always does. I always seem to receive the clarity I need to persevere.

Part 2

I knew it would come...but I hadn’t anticipated it would come so quickly. I really dislike being morbid.

Two days before Gord’s death, I took Noah for a walk to the park. It was fall.  The sky was so dark. Ominous heavy clouds drenched the sky. Against this eerie sky stood a tree! It was large, tall with bright, florescent yellow bright leaves.

I had a moment with nature.  A feeling ran through me. It felt like a déjà vu! I can remember noticing the sharp contrast between the dark and light, between the eerie dark sky and the breath taking beauty of the bright leaves. I was seeing two opposing forces at the exact same time. I remember how unusual it felt... to feel cold and comfortable at the exact same time. The air was crisp, biting but my sweater was warm. I clearly remember thinking...I feel like this is a sign. I don’t ever recall having a moment like this with nature before.

The night Gord died that image ran through my mind over and over. I knew why I had that experience. It was preparing me for this. This experience! What happened to Gord, what happened to me. But mostly that experience with nature changed something in me. I can remember telling this story to my sister in law, Alison, days after Gord died. I told her, “I want to be a light in the darkness.”

I had the same thought right before I spoke at Gords funeral. I had the same thought whenever I see sadness in my children’s eyes. And tonight I faced my own purpose. My existential purpose.

For the past 6 months I have been seeking joy, it wasn’t a fruitless venture but I think it may have been incomplete. I need to seek meaning...purpose.

I’ve been challenging myself to always look on the bright side...but tonight I have clarity. It’s not that I should look on the bright side...but rather that I will be a part of the bright side of life.

Happiness comes and goes. Contentment will always be challenged. What I really need is a good reason to persevere no matter what life throws at me. I need to be a bright light. Whether it’s spending time with my kids, writing another blog, smiling at a stranger, helping a friend or a family member, I need to be a light. I need to laugh more, love more. I was thinking about my most rewarding moments lately...really trying to dig deep. 

It is when I am with others, when we smile, share and laugh. It is when I can see this life for all it still has to offer. The best moments are when I make my kids smile and when I inspire with my blog. I have to keep doing these things that make others happy... because that gives me great purpose. Maybe if I spend more energy on others, perhaps I will fret less about myself.

The most rewarding work I had the privilege of doing was teaching in a Catholic inner city school. It was my teaching practicum.  It was a grade 1 class composed of students that were mostly coded, ESL and coming to school with the basics unmet. There was a hallway designated to clothing racks. The students and their families could come and get coats and clothes when they didn’t have enough. There was a hot breakfast and lunch provided every day.  It was the most valuable learning experience for me as a teacher and as a human being.

The students instantly loved me. All I had to do was walk in that classroom and without a second glance they all fell in love. We, the teachers were their everything.  There was such a high rate of learning disabilities and behavior issues that I didn't teach a lesson for the whole first week. All I did was classroom management. The cooperating teacher spent every day for a week just teaching me strategies to gain the attention and proper behavior so that I would have the possibility of getting through a lesson. But they were beautiful, amazing, wonderful children. They were loving and compassionate and all they wanted was love.  I was able to teach these children, they did learn and they did progress and it was the most rewarding experience in my life. All I wanted to do was give more. 

There was a girl in grade 5 that I started to bond with. She always just kind of hung around after school.  She was so beautiful and kind. One day I asked her why she stayed after school every day. She said it was her favorite place. She said it was where she found God. I shared this with some of the teachers...they told me her mom was a prostitute that was dating a drug dealer. 

My heart broke...but what I realized is that the work that we did at that school was way more important than just educating, we were possibly saving lives.  This was one of the best feelings in my entire life.

My goal needs to change, instead of focusing on seeking my own personal joy, perhaps I will find what I’m looking for by putting more of myself into others.

...Maybe my goal should be to make this world a bright place. Can’t hurt to try!

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
        

 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson

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