Almost Like an Angel!

It's six months today. Feels like yesterday and an eternity at the same time. I always anticipate to experience something on these days but so far....I just feel normal.

Since about November this has been my goal...to find my new normal.

I can remember the first time I dragged myself to a councilor at mental health. I hadn't slept more than 3-4 hrs per night, I had lost 15 lbs. I was having anxiety attacks up to 3 times a day. I had no idea of how I would survive losing my husband. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep....I really believed I wouldn't survive. I can remember that living with my parents was really hard. I needed them more than anything else but we couldn't seem find common ground. I couldn't bear losing my relationship with my parents....I just lost my husband. But it wasn't working. I can remember the councilor saying...." Don't you think this is normal?"

NORMAL! This is normal????

I was in great relationship with my parents before Gord died. The night before his death we had picked a cabin along the Mexican coast that we were going to share in February. The four of us loved being together.

I can look back now and observe that we were enduring the highest level of stress and pain we had ever experienced in our entire lives. I can look back and see that with our entire beings we were all trying to do anything possible to fix this, to change this.....We were all trying to do our best.

But this was all normal...a normal response.

Everything spun on a dime. Nothing looked the same. I can remember asking my dad if it felt like he had stepped into a totally different world. He didn't relate. But my mom...she said she could see why I would feel that way.

I often felt like I had taken one step further into the spiritual world.

I didn't know how I would take care of my children. I have a friend that is a psychologist. In the very early days I expressed to her my fears that I would be an unfit mother. She assured me that although this was going to be a very difficult time..I will always be a great mother.

For the first months I went to this councilor I would always express to her the chaos in my life, the stress..the pain. I wanted to go back, I wanted to fix this. I felt crazy. And all she could say is..." But don't you think this is normal."

Normal!!!....My life was ripped to shreds....I was going crazy....Nothing felt normal....But this is normal!

For the first 3 months I was learning how to rebuild my life and how to live with the pain and the chaos. I didn't really even start to grieve until about 3 months, Not too bad, for many it's six months for some years. For the first while I had so much to cope with my mind couldn't even face the pain of missing Gord. That being said...it was on mind 24/7.

I've come so far in six months. I've let go of so much...and I have healed in so many ways.

I've accepted that I can't fix this. I've accepted that Gord will never come back. I've accepted that this tragedy has completely altered my life, my family, my personality, my beliefs about the world. I have accepted that I will never have the same life or be the same person I was before ever again.

There has been so much loss. When someone dies you imagine you will simply mourn the person. But it is so much more than that. I could already write a list of 200 losses that came with Gord's death and I'm still not done facing all of them.

But there has been grace and great blessing.

I'm enjoying the creativity of blogging. I will get excited about ideas. I can see how many page views my blogs get. Sometimes it can be discouraging but mostly I think it's kind of a fun experiment to see what people are interested in. I'm learning what people are interested in.

I drove to Jasper yesterday morning...I seem to get inspired when ever I drive through the mountains.

I came up with a great title

I'm Falling in Love....

I knew that would catch attention. But I was exhausted last night and sometimes I hesitate...

But it's true...I can feel it...I'm falling in love...with my world...my life, my God and myself.

There is a new glow inside of me.

When I drove to Jasper yesterday I was in amazement.....It's different...it's stronger, brighter. Gratefulness. When you realize that nothing is permanent...that everything is fragile...that every moment could be your last....everything looks brighter....more amazing.

I have an amazing life! I was having a moment where I couldn't believe how amazing my life is. I thought about how amazing it is that my five year old was going to his fifth day of ski lessons at Jasper. He is five and we get to have the privilege of living close to a ski hill, afford lessons and take them with all our friends. Really! That is so amazing. I have all that I need. Ok, not all that I need. But who has all that they need. I'm seeing some real advantages in being with people. I have been spending time with people lately and I'm realizing that I'm not the only one with problems. People are stressed, people are dissatisfied, people are discontent with their life.

I'm learning how to create contentment in my life.

One of the first things the councilor taught me was how to self care. I was at the threshold for what I cope with for stress and pain so I had to learn strategies to reduce stress and increase goodness.I had to learn how to be proactive...I had to make decisions that would help me long term. Short term fixes often lead to more stress.

I've changed my parenting style. For the first months I wasn't very present to my children. I wanted to be...I tried to be...I was when I had the ability. Many times it was outside of what I was capable of.  They both lost weight, had many temper tantrums and had disturbed sleeping.

In December I was very ill. There was one day where I could not function. I didn't have my nanny this day. I had the flu, all I could do is sleep. Danny fed Noah. There were granola wrappers and empty yogurts and cereal boxes everywhere. They watched tv and played with their IPADs. I felt horrible.  At one point I was up and I started to cry, Danny asked me if I miss Gord, I told that this time I was crying because I didn't know how I would take care of him and his brother when I am so sick. Danny gave me a hug and said yes mom, this is very hard. The following morning I was a touch better. I just wanted to make up for the day before and love my boys. What I found out was...they were happy. They were fine. I had not given them any attention the day before and they were still content. How? They knew...they knew I loved them. They also had what they needed for the day.

I've come to realize that kids don't need a perfectly enriched, stimulated environment to be happy. They need love. They don't need meals made from scratch that incorporate the 5 food groups. They need food. I've learned that cuddling watching a movie is just as rewarding to them as playing a game with them. Sometimes I only have energy to snuggle.I' ve learned that they can learn how to cope with boredom, they can learn how to occupy themselves. I've seen the value in them having to learn survival skills. That day I was sick Noah brought me a container of KD and asked me to open the lid while I was barely coherent in bed. He said, " I get fork and eat downstairs." I found an empty container downstairs. It would be horrible if that was their everyday...but it's not...and it's ok for them to learn how to problem solve. I let them love me. They take care of me sometimes....and that makes them feel helpful and empowered to their situation. They are learning compassion! I've taken on a low gear approach to parenting...and my children are relatively content, healthy well adjusted individuals.

I have also had to learned how to be satisfied with less. I've challenged myself to be grateful for what I have. There are parts of my life that feel so deprived right now...but I'm realizing that many people feel deprived.

I'm finding myself often feeling grateful and often feeling satisfied. I'm realizing that relatively speaking I am content and satisfied with my life. And that is amazing!

I have found new loves. passions, friends and family. It's not Gord....but for now that has to be enough...because he is not coming back.

There is still one area of my life that continues to feel dry and empty. My councilor keeps trying to convince me that a single life is a good life. I'm trying....but I don't see it. I'm appreciating the simplicity of not having to manage another relationship...but in my heart I know it's worth the hard times that come with it. My sister pointed out that with kids and only married friends...single life is not much fun. I guess I will just have to keep putting myself out there, hope to make some friends and in the meantime be patient. I also look forward to the day another man may enhance my life again. No one will ever replace Gord but another man could some day add joy to my children s and my life.

So this is it, this is where I'm at six months. I'm a new person, with a new life and I ( mostly) and grateful for all that I have. I am generally content and my boys are as well.

I have also come to accept that there will a part of me that will always mourn Gord. I would hope so. He is one of the most special people I have ever known. He was a gift to me. Almost like an angel. Yesterday at the ski hill Danny started to miss his dad. He asked " Do people sleep in heaven?"

I responded," I don't think they need sleep in heaven."

Danny stated," Then I guess Dad watches us all the time."

Gord is always with us in a special way now...in a way he couldn't of been before. I always tell Danny he gets to be with his dad all the time now.

I'm still learning how to say good bye, how to let go. Sometimes I feel so confused in this world. Sometimes I have clarity....and it all makes sense again. People often say they are amazed by my strength. It is not that I am strong but rather that I have been empowered. Faith, prayers, supports and education have empowered me to strive, persevere, battle, face challenges and take risks. I have been empowered to survive, to be triumphant. My strength is not mine...it's Gods and it's yours. I just received it.

No matter what my future holds...I'm learning how to trust, how to have faith. I am finding my new normal. A beautiful world is unfolding in front of me and I'm falling in love with it.