Rising to the Challenge

After Gord passed I lost control of my emotional balance. I was easily set off and my mood was unpredictable and dramatic. I could be different by the hour. The highs and lows I experienced were nothing like I had experienced before. I felt like I was on drugs...with no reprieve...no break. I remember showering up to 5 times a day. I was sweating so much from the adrenaline that I needed to shower 5 times a day. I had never experienced the rage that came out of me. It was torture, it was horrific. I was in a state of hyper arousal for about 6 weeks.

The noise of my own children could completely overwhelm me. I could not cope with public places. I can remember going to the Old Grind for coffee. We sat by the cashier area.  I remember it sounded like dishes were being smashed, peoples conversations sounded like yelling and it felt like everyone was looking at me, watching me. I experienced social anxiety. In these times I felt like I was watching myself on tv, like I was leaving my body. I was suffering from intense anxiety and emotional shock!

This state was hard for me to accept. I love people, I love socializing, I worried that I would never be that person again. I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle public places again.

I started practicing deep breathing techniques to help me, so I could learn how to cope with the anxiety instead of just relying on meds.

People often asked me, " Are you going to work?"

The idea of working completely baffled me. Don't people know that I work in a classroom with 25 children. I could barely handle my own children, how would I stand in front of a classroom.

There was a time period where I believed that I may never teach again. I thought maybe teaching would be too stressful given my circumstances. But then....I began to heal.

I've been challenging myself to step outside my comforts, to not rely on crutches, to not fall into vices. I've been becoming stronger and  and I am gaining emotional control.

Sometime in February I found myself craving something new. I remember thinking I wish I could do something outside the home.Something productive, something meaningful, rewarding.I wanted to go back to substitute teaching...but I was unsure of my emotional stability. So...I thought maybe volunteering in the classroom would be a good first step.

I brought the idea to my councilor. I expressed my fears about returning to work. She reminded me I survived Valentines Day and that I was able to demonstrate emotional control.

I had anticipated Valentines day to be challenging. I counter acted by making plans and attempting to change my attitude.It was going to be a special day for my boys too. I really wanted us to try and make the best of the day.

But I woke up with deep heavy feelings. I wanted to hide...to stay in bed. But I didn't. I carried through with all my plans, especially the ones for my boys. I put a smile on my face and I bared through it. At the end of the day, the boys and I watched a movie.The tears began to fall out...my heart was full of sadness, full of loss.

My councilor explained to me that I'm learning how live with my emotions, I'm learning how to live with the grief. She had full confidence in me that I would be capable of managing my emotions at work. She said she wouldn't recommend full time but a little would be good.

Without fully considering it at the time, grade 7 was the first gig I accepted. Shortly after I agreed...I thought...What was I thinking? Typically I work with younger elementary. I can manage them fine. But teens, I don't have much experience with teens what experience I had, had been challenging at best.

I imagined the worst. I thought they would test me, disrespect me. I saw myself being insecure, impatient, emotional.

Then I decided...If I'm going to do this, I need to do it right. I have to rise to the challenge.

In the past when I have felt intimidated...I respond by planning. I plan how I will be successful.

I know with teens being insecure would not help me to be successful. I had to find my confidence. I decided to come on strong. Be an authority.

As the kids slowly trailed in...they were tired. It was the first day back after spring break. I felt calm, comfortable...I felt confident. I felt fearless. I looked at these tired faces and thought...if I can handle the past six months...I can handle this.

I gave them my usual speal about how the day would go. I was confident, they knew I meant business and they responded. It was a great day. There was a bit of testing, but nothing beyond what I could handle. I enjoyed them. So much personality, awkwardness and humor. They get sarcasm! I had fun and it was rewarding.

Throughout the,day teachers would check in with me and ask how my day was going. I always replied, " Great, they are a good group."

They would raise their eyebrows and say, " Not always a good group."

Well.. today they were a good group and and I had a great day. It was challenging my brain to teach algebra and integers again as well I was fascinated with the volcanoes unit. I was impressed with their knowledge.  Bill Nye is still a crazy guy but today I learned how the Hawaiian islands were formed.

It was refreshing to put on my professional hat, to be challenged. I enjoyed the students and engaging with the staff. I'm grateful to have a career that allows me to focus on my children for now. I'm also grateful that when they are in school, I will have a passion to pursue.