Marvelous Mondays

My mom emailed me a response to my previous blog, she asked me for my reflections about the end of the video when they just walked...

 In the end they just walked. Keep walking has been a common theme in my journey. No matter what, I always must keep walking, keep persevering , sometimes you have to leave your past in the past and move forward. I know that I don't want to get stuck in my grief. I find that when I face my losses, it really hurts but after some time I find my heart lets go and eventually I can think about that memory again and not have the emotional response and all I am left with is a precious memory I can hold to forever.

Last night I was feeling disappointed about my Sunday sadness. I wanted to somehow change my experience. Many times I've been able to help myself transition through predictable hard times by intentionally spinning it. Holidays, especially for my kids sake, I've learned to spin it. Alter it, change it. Grief is about coping with separation and transition. This year I won't always be able to cope with both at the same time. Typically, I have spent time grieving before and after the occasion, but for my kids sake this year... not during. They are young enough to become immersed in the occasions and begin to build new memories they can have. Predictably this may be harder for them as they age. But if we have new traditions in place it will make the grieving part easier. I have also tried to include Gord in some way in the day so we have a special way of remembering him...setting time aside to grieve.  I've actually read that during the active grieving process it is a healthy practice to set aside grieving time. Compartmentalize  time  to live,  time to play and the time to grieve. All are necessary and balance is always key. A daily journal is often a way to set time aside.

So changing Sundays....I went to my young widows bulletin board, I was going to post about my sad Sundays hoping for some discussion. I couldn't believe it...it was already there, someone else had just posted..." How to cope with Sad Sundays." The craziest part of all is this post was only up for a few hours and there about 50 responses. All the same...all have sad Sundays! Some had different reasons than others. Many had stories about how it had been the day their spouse died. That is not the case for me. Many thought it was because it is a family day...some couldn't figure out why...Sometimes I think it also because as parents we stay strong all week long and eventually we have to crash.

For me I know why...I've always known why. My boys feel the same way. We feel his absence on Sundays. He use to be so present in our midst on Sundays. His real presence...No matter how we spin it, no matter what we change, we feel it. There are some Sundays where I just feel his presence. But there are so many where I feel the separation. But... reading those posts last night I realized I'm not alone in this journey and I also learned that what I am experiencing on Sundays is totally normal given the circumstances. I could probably move, change what time I go to church, change who I socialize with and at the end of the day, Sundays would probably still be hard for a while. I believe it will become easier with time.

This morning I had a shift in paradigm. I realized that someday although Gord will always have a place in my soul, he will be a part of my past. I realized his life is now in the past. The past belongs in the past. I know I will continue to mourn many more memories but I'm starting to accept that Gords life and my life together is in the past.

Today I started thinking about all the relationships I have today. I realized that I have so many people in which I share parts of my heart with. I have many close friends and family that I have rich, deep discussions with. I have many people I share my faith with. I live on a deep level and therefore most of my relationships are deep. I will never know another person that is like Gord and that is awesome. Forever he will be that unique person that I was able to share nine years with. I never thought this void could of have ever been filled but it is starting to fill. I have passions, I LOVE writing. It is becoming a best friend. I love being active. I LOVE many family and friends. I LOVE my boys. I LOVE music. My life is full of wonderful things and although there are going to still be many moments, hours or days of feeling the void, I know it is starting to heal and someday I will be full again.

I cried my heart out yesterday. It was a great release. Not much fun. But today...I woke up renewed and I knew I would. I put my sad self to bed and told myself to let it go...that tomorrow would be a new day and I would feel better....and I did. Sundays are predictably sad but Mondays are predictably marvelous. Most people I know dread Mondays. I guess we all have bad days. Maybe I can use my marvelous Mondays to bring sunshine to others.