Tonight I am coping with disappointment. I have had to mourn so much more than just my husbands death. Tonight I just feel low...sad...Tonight I had great visit with a friend. But somehow it wasn't enough....
Tonight I feel distant from my children. I wonder if I spend enough quality time with them. They deserve it. But sometimes....I just don't.
I've been planning my days well, I try to always scratch some tasks off my list. Plan in rest, plan in my kids and plan in things that make me feel good. At the end of the day sometimes...I realize that I didn't spend much time with them. It's heart breaking.
I'm just not the mom I use to be. Some days I am. When I feel strong I make an extra effort to compensate. But sometimes when I'm strong I still use that time for myself.
I've changed! I was quite relaxed in most relationships before Gord died, I was strong enough to with stand certain personalities clashes, dynamics and challenges. I also had Gord to strengthen me, encourage me, affirm me. Sometimes he even protected me. I was quite carefree and open. I liked to be like that...left lots of room to have genuine relationships. I still have some of those tight bonds. But I find myself in many relationships being cautious....treading lightly. I have to be careful with my heart. I've lost an innocence...
I'm sure in the end being cautious is a positive thing. I know it will make me appreciate those relationships where I am still free to be fully me. These weaknesses and vulnerabilities I daily face cause me to miss Gord, miss my old self, my old life.
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