Make the best of this life.

The night Gord passed away, I was in a waiting room. The longest, darkest hour of my life. The wait was more than I could bare, I went to the nurses desk to inquire. My doctor appeared out of a surgery room, he was Gord's doctor, he was our age, he had three little kids too. He was married. His eyes were red, he put his arm around me and softly said," I'm sorry Jen, Gord died."

Immediately my feet fell out from under me. I collapsed to the floor. I have never felt like this before. Everything stopped. I thought nothing and felt like I was warping to another world. My whole body felt like a balloon. I felt like I wasn't there. I was processing nothing. After what felt like minutes I came to and saw my doctor, my neighbor, nurses crying...some sobbing.

They finally brought me to one of the emergency rooms. I contacted a few friends. They were there in seconds. My doctor strongly encouraged me to go and physically say good bye to Gord.

Say good-bye! I remember thinking...I've never done this before. Say good bye minutes after he died.....

My friends, who I am so grateful to, accompanied me into the room where Gord was. My priest was also contacted and began with a prayer. That brought me so much comfort and grounded me.

He excused himself immediately following the prayer and gave his condolences.

I sat in a chair, directly across from his face. It was not scary, it was not weird.

I touched him, he was already cold.

And for the first time in my life I fully understood eternal life. I knew with my entire being that although his body was in fact completely dead.....I knew without any possible doubt he was forever alive. I felt him hold me. I felt him all around me. I've been told that in the first hours after someone passes they are often still very present. I felt his presence, I felt his life. Life continues....

I also remember thinking...I should say something...

Looking at him I knew I didn't have to. I knew he knew I loved him, I knew he loved me. We had nothing unresolved, no secrets. I felt peace! I hugged him, I kissed him and I said good bye. I sat there for minutes after and just cherished his presence, his body...his life.

I've been trying to conceive and understand the change in our relationship. We have a common denominator. Our spirit! We have different natures now. I am of human nature, he is not. I am here, he is not. We are forever connected though spirit but are separated.

I am beginning to understand that we have different natures, different dwelling places and different purposes. But we are of the same God and the same spirit. So I am going to try and live in the world and live out my human nature. But I will always find that connection with Gord.

I feel like my body continues to mourn Gord but my spirit feels free, I often feel a heaviness, a weakness, a tiredness but I do not feel as sad nor does my mind fall into the circles of negativity, I try to just rest in these times.

It has been disappointing to lose so much. There will always be moments of sadness, especially when I reflect on the loss for my children. He was such a wonderful dad. But it wasn't the plan for him to be on earth for most of their lives. It's now for their father to be in heaven and love them from there. They now forever will have this awesome perfect image of their dads love. Through myself, pictures and others they will learn about what an amazing person Gord was and they will be so proud to know that he will always be their dad. Their dad in heaven!

For me, I know I will also have more moments of sadness recalling such beautiful memories. But sometimes now I will smile instead and just feel grateful for knowing and loving such a great man.

I have an opportunity.I have an adventure ahead of me. I can either not move or I can enjoy the journey. I can be open to  what is ahead. I feel my personality filling out. It's like a second chance. I met with a mom of 4 kids  last week and quickly realized her stress wasn't much different than mine. She loves her life and wouldn't change it for the world but a part of her thought... but my life is predictable. I already know how my story is going to go.  She said...Jen, you now have a new exciting adventure ahead. Hmm...I guess I do.

If I could take Gord back, I would, but I can't... so I might as well make the best of it, make the best of this life.