This reality in fact...is very sad.

I've been facing reality for a while now. I've been living with the pain....and now I'm starting to live with the reality. I starting to live a life again, but this story, this experience; will always be a part of my reality.  I'm starting to see my reality through the eyes of others and what I'm finding out is there is a hard truth to accept. What has happened is in fact very,very sad.

I have forever lost my best friend, my lover. My kids no longer have a father. We are injured, wounded..damaged. And this truth is very sad.

I've lost my husband about 40 years sooner than I had anticipated. Before I even had the privilege of entering the dating world with Gord I knew I wanted to marry him. We were friends first..for months. I knew because I had enough experience to know what I wanted. And I knew he was good. I knew he was kind, loyal, caring, hard working, family orientated. I knew he wanted to be a father some day. I loved his mind, his nature. I loved that he was open minded, that he was simply open...After six months of dating I could barely wait to get engaged, because now I really knew how awesome he was. I knew that we would always be close, be friends, be lovers. I could imagine him being the same rock in my life at 27 at 87. He was so true blue. What was the most amazing part of marrying Gord, was although there was in fact many trying times he just got better with time. As time continued, he became better and better at balancing work and family. He became more comfortable as a dad, continued to become better at understanding me, loving me.

So this is my lot, my truth, my reality and it is in fact very sad to suffer such a loss.

I have a rocky past. It was not all rainbows and butterflies growing up.My child hood was tough; I didn't fit in, I had learning disabilities. My teen years I rebelled and in my 20's I struggled with mental illness. My whole life had been a roller coaster and lacked grounding, I lacked confidence.

Then I met the most wonderful person...

He instantly without even trying, just by his nature alone became my rock. And the best part for me was that he thought I was amazing. He loved my story. He thought I was a hero for conquering all my odds and becoming a successful, happy adult. He believed in me. He loved me.

In the first weeks after Gord died I often felt like I had a connection with Gord. So many times...I thought I felt his presence, I thought I could hear him( in my mind) I still don't know for sure if it was him or just my mind but it often brought me comfort.

One Sunday morning about 3 weeks after Gord passed I was in the process of getting ready for church. Getting ready is so weird for me now, because I did it for him. Anyways, I can remember experiencing a mix of emotions. Conflicted feelings. Without having the actual affirmations from him I started to believe he no longer loved me. I felt like I was no longer loved. I felt abandoned.

I swear, I felt like I actually heard him, his real voice. It was so real. He said, " Jen, I wrote you letters."

Letters????!!! There is letters. My mind tried to remember, tried to recall.....what letters?!

I heard him.." In your Bible.!"

I ran to my bible. There they were, 5 letters written from Gord.

When I was pregnant with Danny I went to a retreat. Part of the surprise for me, was Gord had been contacted and asked to write me a letter for everyday of the retreat. Every night at the retreat I received a love letter from Gord. I can remember reading them to my sister and her sister in laws. We were all crying. They were such beautiful letters. That is correct I have 5 beautiful love letters from my husband. This is amazing. Gord was not a love letter type of guy. He was never the words of affection type of guy. But these letters fill my soul when ever I read them. And they remind me how much Gord loved me.

Gord was my rock, he was so constant and steady. He brought a certain grounding to my life that still runs so deep in me now. he taught me how to live by my mind and my spirit.

There is song that just seems to play so often on the radio.

Every time I hear it, I cry, I sob. I feel like Gord could be singing it to me and sometimes I feel like I could be singing it to him. But it doesn't really work because now he is gone, gone, gone.

I'm overwhelmed with memories these days. It makes me miss him so much. It really hurts. But I wouldn't trade these memories for anything because they are always with me and for that reason I will never sleep alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oozQ4yV__Vw

I will love you long after you are gone, gone, gone