In memory of Gord I organized a ski day in Jasper. I had a good feeling about the event but I couldn't of imagined how wonderful it would be. In anticipation I had expectations, but the gifts and healing that came was beyond my comprehension.
Everyone was happy...full of joy. A highlight for me was sitting at the top of the mountain surrounded by people who loved Gord. We took a group pic. Facing down hill with voices deep, loud and proud we all shouted GORD!!! as we unleashed down the run. The feeling of togetherness was one of most amazing experiences I ever had.
There were many stories. Gord was brought back to life through the sharing of memories. Everyone shared! There was a thread of familiar stories. Favorite stories revolved around his family, his work life, his party life and memories of skiing.
Family was a high priority with Gord. Quality time was everything to him. Both our little unit and extended family was always important to him. He took care of those he loved and enjoyed time with them.
At work he was fondly described as the disheveled guy with his shirt half tucked in, his socks pulled over pants and Gord being oblivious to all of it. He had a reputation of not fussing over presentation but he was always reliable when it came to the numbers. He often astounded his coworkers with his ideas.All his coworkers enjoyed his easy, friendly nature and interesting ideas. He was known as a great mentor, boss and friend.
If you had the chance to party with Gord, it was memorable. He had enthusiasm and way of being excited about everything. It was all about interesting discussions, inside jokes and favorite beverages. With Gord it was a guaranteed good time.
On the ski hill, with Gord every run was like Christmas and he could never get enough. It was his passion! All in all he was unique individual that touched many lives. He will always be remembered by his corks, his character and his dignity. I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity to share these memories with others.
Dinner was such a great party. The lounge had a funky atmosphere and there was a buzz of cheer in the air. I loved observing people from different groups mingling, sharing memories....laughing. So many people said..." Last time I saw everyone, they were all falling apart...now everyone is full of joy."
It was incredible to be with my family. It wasn't until we were all together that I realized what a strain it was to be apart. I loved the feeling of just seeing them across the room, just feeling their presence, hearing their voices. We all saw each other with new eyes. Hearts were mended, bridges were built and love overflowed.
It is amazing....there has been healing. I can't speak for anyone else but for me, this Saturday...there were no tears. There was laughter!
Gently another moment of clarity appeared...
We could all be together, be happy...share memories...laugh. However...at the same time, we all loved Gord so much, miss him so much. I realized it's really OK to be happy. I can really love Gord, miss him and be happy at the same time. Laughter is healing too. I learned so much from laughing.
Church on Sunday was a stretch. I was tempted to give myself permission to skip out. I'm so glad I went. Church is where I find my God, my relationship with God. It is also where I often find Gord. I was praying...thanking and praising God for such a wonderful weekend...then I heard him. I heard Gord.
Quietly, yet full of joy...I heard him say thank you.
I felt so overwhelmed I began to weep. How privileged am I that I was able to do something so special in honor of Gord and he felt honored. This journey has often felt so unpredictable and confusing...I often feel like I'm walking with my eyes closed. Somehow I keep being lead...Lead towards healing.
In my past I think I have often believed that every incident in life was merely a curse or a blessing and I was just living at the mercy of whatever life threw at me. But now...I'm beginning to see that every incident is an opportunity.
It wasn't a perfect day! I knew going into the day that it might not be endless bliss. This day was a big event like a wedding, and on my wedding day I learned that there are no days that are pure bliss. Life always happens everyday. My wedding day was an awesome day but it had bumps. I was quickly reminded of this reality in the first hours of my day. It could of ruined my day, but instead it grounded me and reminded me to keep the big picture in mind. Reminded me to learn from moments instead of letting them break me.
Cruising up the mountain I was blaring my favorite tunes. I was on natural high. It seemed to me like Gord was joining all of us and I couldn't wait. Although I knew I would bump into many people spontaneously I wanted a buddy to travel with. A girl friend of mine had the first few hours by herself so I planned for us to hook up at 10 am. I was a bit late. I waited. I tried sending texts...my phone wasn't working. I felt my heart start to sink. I waited. I tried to call my brother...my phone didn't work. I felt like I was falling. I remember thinking...this is suppose to be an awesome day. Why is this already happening? I felt disappointed, discouraged and frustrated. I waited.
Then I changed my thinking pattern. I thought....sometimes life happens, sometimes life is disappointing. I opened my mind and thought...maybe this is a good thing, maybe this is suppose to happen. I reminded myself that this will still be a good day and there will be many moments ahead that will be awesome. I was right.
A family from town arrived at the chair about 1/2 hour after I had been waiting. We had a great run. Then Chris Fry, Gord's best buddy from high school appeared. We did a few runs and had lunch together. It was amazing for me to connect and bond with him. I also loved having the male perspective. I miss that so much. I'm really coming to appreciate how men really balance woman, vice versa. Chris had such a rational, objective perspective. It brought me new peace, new understanding.
In the end, when I found my friend, it turned out she tried sending me texts and when I didn't respond she assumed I was still sleeping or was busy with people. I didn't let that bump ruin my day. I'm learning how to roll with it. I'm starting to trust in the big picture.
He said something else...after my ball session at church he had one more thing to say....
" I want you to be free"
I felt so confused. I'm still grappling with it.
A couple of weeks ago I really started to feel strong...stable. I started really living again...taking risks. Last week I fell. The grief experience has changed. I'm starting to live...and being hit with sneaker waves. The grief hits me so hard out of nowhere. I fall so hard. It was happening everyday and it was discouraging.
I came to understand that this pain is forever. I have a chronic condition and there will always be a part of my heart that will be sad...that misses Gord. I was resigning myself to this reality. And now Gord tells me to be free....
I won't ever be free from missing Gord, nor do I want to be from remembering him. But I can be free from feeling discouraged and disappointed about the pain. It is a part of the process. The intensity and frequency of the pain will diminish over time. I choose to accept the pain, I accept the process. The pain is also where I find healing. But this weekend I learned that I don't only find lessons in tears of grief I also find lessons in the laughter.
This weekend I learned that I can laugh and miss Gord at the same time. I think Gord really wants to see me live, see me happy. I think I need to just cry when I need to and laugh when it's time to laugh. It's time to live. Life is going to continue to have it's bumps and I will continue to see them as opportunities and try to keep in mind the big picture, the whole journey.
I felt so overwhelmed by the turn out. It was simply brilliant to see how many loved Gord! He was so special and it was awesome to see everyone felt the same way I did. It was inspiring to see that Gord was so well loved!
Thought and prayers. I know there were so many positive thoughts and prayers sent our way. It fills me to know that everyone is rooting for us...everyone wants to see us happy. So thank you, thank you to everyone who was able to attend and participate, thank you for prayers and happy thoughts. It all blesses me..fills me! I feel like a brand new person. A door has opened, a new chapter is starting. I have a feeling that many experienced some of the same healing as I did. Perhaps a new chapter is opening for many. Predictably I would crash after such an intense weekend, but I haven't, I won't. I feel renewed and I plan to continue living life to the fullest. Ok, at a reasonable pace! It's my birthday this week, I plan to be sad because Gord isn't here to celebrate, but I also plan to be happy because I'm still alive and I have an amazing life to celebrate!
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