I was just rereading my previous blogs. Usually, I experience my own writing differently every time I read it. It provokes new feelings, new thoughts.... it somehow councils me. Also I'm often comforted by the obvious changes, growth and healing that I experienced through out this journey.
Tonight is different...I've been feeling low this week. It's disappointing. Plenty of tears , plenty of naps. Brings back memories of a time I'd rather not revisit. I want to change my mood...but I don't have the energy. It's a downward spiral and I know that. I know that I have to be counter intuitive. I have to get out of bed, get out of the house. I have to eat...I have to reach out. I went to Taekwondo tonight...it always lifts me...balances me...but for some reason tonight I'm still low.
I almost feel ashamed, I want to hide. I don't want people to witness this side of me. I have a hard time holding a conversation right now, I have a hard time smiling...laughing. I want to be that inspiring writer, that happy person that seems to find a way to live in the face of adversity.
But right now I am not those things. I have a hard time finding the sunshine. There still are moments of joy... but they don't last.
I'm discouraged. I can remember in the beginning my Councillor suggesting that is always OK to be sad but to avoid feelings of disappointment and discouragement. I still haven't figured out how to avoid these feelings. When I read my previous blogs I realized in the past 6 months I have seen many improvements in my life, and I have found clarity, understanding. I am learning how to experience peace daily. I'm starting to live again, work again and socialize. But what hasn't changed is the pain.
Danny started crying this week. He cries sometimes 3 times a day. He will start whaling as if he is injured. He will call for me. I will run to him and he will start saying, " I miss dad so much, I can't stop crying, I want to stop crying, my heart hurts so much."
I try to talk to him, console him, hold him but he can't seem to express himself. I want to help him.
I started reading my book on helping children grieve. As helpful and insightful these books are they often smack me across the head with some truth I'm not ready for.
- Grief is the most painful emotional experience humans experience. It is a chronic condition!
I ache...my whole body aches about 3 days a week. My body physically suffers. I've never felt this before. It kind of feels like the aches when you have the flu, but it's in every once of my body. Then there are days I feel totally normal. But these days that I ache...it's really hard. I'm not sure what the explanation is but this week it has been every day. And I'm starting to feel discouraged.
The book also talked about how the boys and I have to learn how to integrate this chronic condition into our daily life. We have to learn how to live with this pain forever. This is a huge reality for me to accept. It's hard to not feel discouraged.
It confuses me...because I thought I would heal.
I know that I will heal...I will eventually learn how to live with the pain and I will be healed by the fact that I will have accepted what has happened, made peace with it and also will need to accept that I will forever have feelings of grief. I will be healed when I can live life to the fullest despite the grief, despite the pain. When the grief can become part of my life, and I learn how to manage it, respect it, and maybe even love it, maybe then I will be healed. For grief is the merely the expression of emotion when you love someone you have lost. And although it does hurt, it doesn't kill you and the release always brings more healing, more understanding, more peace.
The most important knowledge I received from reading that book yesterday was to tell my child to cry. Crying is the best thing anyone can ever do when they grieve, it is the best way to feel better. I've cried so many tears this week I think I might be dehydrated......I guess I can count on feeling better soon.
I've planned a ski day this weekend in honor of Gord. I'm hoping and praying I find my joyful spirit. With any luck writing this blog will help me to find the understanding and peace I'm looking for.
I am reluctant to post this. It's very revealing of how painful grief can be. My hope is to bring awareness and understanding. As awful as the experience can be at times, it can also be amazing to experience clarity and overwhelming gratefulness. And although I know I will have a lifetime of missing Gord, there is also a part of me that believes I can still live a very full, whole life. I know that many are terrified of ever having to travel the road I've had to take but take comfort in knowing if ever do you will survive it, and it will transform you in ways that are not possible otherwise.
I have to have this attitude. I have tried to make deals with God. I told him...do not take my children from me, or me from my children. I feel like we have bared enough. But unfortunately I don't have that kind of power. So now I trust that we can bare what we are given...because if I don't believe this I will live in paralyzing fear....and that is not an option. I need to live, I need to trust. I hope you can too.
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