Some people seem to have it all !!!

It was a rough start this morning. I'm still feeling emotionally fragile, but I'm in tune with myself and my prediction is I will be well tomorrow.

As the day continued  I came across new perspectives and deeper truths. First of all I should let you know that Danny left the conversation as if  it was no big deal. I was a bit misty eyed after he said that the saddest part was seeing me cry and then he continued on about how much his heart hurts when he misses Gord. I assured him that I'm much happier now and although I still cry sometimes I have found so many reasons to be happy everyday. He smiled and skipped off to play.

He left my heart full of emotion but he went to school with a smile on his face. I have so much to learn from my boys. They are real...they live...they move forward.

In an intimate conversation with my mom, she shared with me her perspective of this mornings blog. Although it was quite sad; she said she felt encouraged. She was delighted that Danny felt comfortable enough to open up to me, to share with me. She said she was so grateful that I could help Danny work through his misunderstandings. She pointed out that it could of been many, many years that Danny could of lived with his misunderstanding. Instead, at age 5, 6 months after the trauma, he is talking about it, healing from it and learning the truth. My mom said she was so proud of me for having such a rich bond with Danny. Hmmm....I thought, I guess she is right.

 I could have self pity and pity for my children. I could complain...but I'm not sure there is that much to complain about. I;m  fairly sure complaining or pity won't bring Gord back. He's not alive....but we still are! We have a life to live!

I can't change what has happened;  or what my kids have experienced but I can be the best parent possible given my circumstances. I can be there for them, I can support them, I can love them. I can also trust that someday we will all heal, be transformed...be restored. I know this is possible.

I know that we can make the best of the life we have been given.

This reminds me of a quote

Some people seem to have it all....
It is because they make the best of it all.

When Gord was alive we both thought we had the best of it all. Part of that best was having each other but the rest of our lives were good too. I'm starting to believe again that despite losing one of my most precious treasures in my life...I still have the best of it all. There is still so much life, so much goodness, so much joy, so much to celebrate, so much to experience, so much beauty.

From Monday to Wednesday night I didn't cry. This is epic! I didn't shed a tear for almost 4 days. I was exhausted from the weekend but somehow....I was happy. The joy I experienced from the weekend carried over for four days. It was like a holiday from work. I basked in the calm and contentment. A part of me knew this wasn't the end of my road...but a part of me knew this was a start to a new beginning. I can go hours, sometimes even a half day without even thinking about the grief, missing Gord, or contemplating my new life. I'm really just living now and what am discovering is that..... I have a good life!

It's my birthday tomorrow, I mostly feel excited. I have a great day planned with a combination of relaxation and celebrating with family and friends. Tomorrow I want to jump out of bed knowing that it's a special day. I want to remember all the good my life has had to offer to me and be hopeful of the good ahead in the future. Gord was a great guy to celebrate birthdays with. Any excuse to eat and drink worked for Gord. I was trying to uncover my memories of my birthdays together with Gord and surprisingly I couldn't put my finger on any particular memory. I remember many years ago in Grand Cache he bought me a folk acoustic guitar, it's beautiful. I know we did date nights, I remember going to the Overlander with Gord and my family for my 35th. The food was awesome! Last year a bunch of us met at DQ for ice cream. Do you see a trend here. FOOD!  Gord was always great to celebrate with and I know he will be celebrating with me tomorrow. The more I let go, the more I realize he is always there. He occupies a part of my soul and I'm finding out that I can go there whenever I want and find him. He is still there.

It's suppose to be spring...I'm fairly certain this is the longest winter ever......

This is the most snow I have ever seen on my birthday. It has been the longest winter of  my life and I'm still here. I'm still here to tell the story. I survived the past six months. I have worked my butt off to be a  happy mom, to work through the grief, to be a better person despite my loss. And I'm here, I'm alive and I want to celebrate!!!!

It's going to be a  good, good life !!!! - It is a good life!

There are 5 people I want to dedicate this song to...they have been there since the beginning and they will be the ones I know we always be there until the end. You know who you are...I love you!

Also this song is for my two little angels that walk with me everyday. They have taught me so much about love, compassion and life. They have been my purpose to get out of bed everyday and persevere.

Good Life
- One Republic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZhQOvvV45w&feature=kp