This morning I'm writing simply for the joy of writing. I'm not analyzing my ideas; wondering if they will appeal to my audience, I'm not dreaming up the most creative blog that will attract the most attention. I just want to have the opportunity to express freely. Hopefully others will appreciate it, and if not..... at least I will enjoy the experience....the gift.
I have discovered a new past time. It has always been available to me. Before I lost Gord I never saw the value in it. Solitude! It is my place of refuge. It is where I find my peace! I can feel my mind slow...fade out. I will gaze off and lose myself to myself. I find I enjoy my thoughts...my breath, my life. I can explore my mind without limitations, without judgement, without boundaries. I don't have to be on...I don't have to be anyone.
Last weekend I experienced time of solitude....
When I first planned the ski day to Jasper I was still struggling with being alone. It was so uncomfortable. I felt like I didn't exist. It felt like, if I couldn't share myself with someone, it was like I didn't exist. I felt like I was missing out. I felt meaningless. Originally, I had booked a room with my parents, because I thought it would be hard to be alone.
Now I have spent almost 6 months alone at night. I'm alone often in the day. I'm starting to appreciate this time. Sometimes I still feel insecure in these moments...but usually I enjoy them. It's becoming my time. I still have high social needs and I'm usually able to meet those needs, I continue to find ways to meet my social needs. I'm fortunate to have a few friends and family that made themselves available early on, on a consistent basis. Three days a week I can count on someone being consistently there for me. Two days a week I have Taekwondo where I have made some good friends to socialize with. In between those times I find myself at play dates, McDonald s and the indoor playground. I have family members that call regularly for little chats. I'm feeling satisfied socially.
My moment of solitude in Jasper!
Weeks before my excursion to Jasper I realized by sharing a room with my parents I was compromising my freedom and independence. I didn't want to have to check in with anyone, let them know when to expect me, worry about waking them. I also remember thinking...I may want to have people over in my hotel room. I thought about it and confidently knew, I would be quite content on my own.
I only slept 4 hours Saturday night. I had the opportunity to sleep in but my body is trained. I was alert at 6 am. Initially I was disappointed and frustrated but before I knew it I was visiting with my sister in law. She saw I was online and sent me a text. We had a great chat, went for coffee...then I started to feel tired so I escaped back to my room.I gently fell to the bed. The windows were large that opened up to a spectacular view of the mountains. It was a mild morning. The sky was a light grey with hues of purple hanging around the peaks.
I gazed off and felt a peace run through me. I cherished this moment. Memories began to flood my mind. Surprisingly, they were not memories of Gord. This was healing. I have such a deep connection to Jasper. In the summers of my second and third years of University I moved to Jasper. They were some of the most memorable summers I can recall. I was revisited with feelings I experienced while living there. Just an awesome feeling, being in such a beautiful place. I feel so connected to the mountains...I can't quite put my finger on it. They always inspire me...their massiveness, their beauty, their age....They bring me so much comfort and peace.
I'm daily finding peace. I also still have many moments where I yearn for Gord...I feel lonesome for his presence...his life. There are times where my entire being feels deprived of love and affection from Gord....from a man. But sometimes I feel full of love from others and sometimes...in moments of quiet... I find love within myself, for myself, for my life...for my beautiful world.
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