For those who know me well..I have a bit of a reputation. In jest my sister has often implied that I walk around with rose colored glasses. It's all just rainbows and butterflies isn't it Jen!
Optimism and Idealism are deeply ingrained in my personality. But these personality traits fail me at times. I have a strong imagination, I can really become attached to great ideas, ideals...dreams. I assume not everyone gets to experience the same heights of thought as I do. But of course with great heights there is great falls. Ideals are more often then not simply that, an ideal. We often fall short of our ideals and dreams. Therefore idealists can spend an awful amount of time in disappointment. Lucky for me, I've had to cope with an enormous amount of rejection and failure as a child so I'm fairly resilient. I just get back up. I also have learned that many ideals are attainable and it's worth the effort even if the result isn't always there.
Rainbows and butterflies! Symbols of hope and transformation. Hope is what motivates us! Leads us, guides us! I need hope. I have to believe that although I have lost so much, there is in fact still a great plan for the boys and I , that one day I will feel as fulfilled with life as I did before; because if I don't believe that, then I am left with despair.
There are days where I get up and I feel full of gratitude. I can see all my blessings and all the ways my life is graced. I see all that is well. It is well with my soul.
But there are also days where I mourn my husband and all the changes that have come from his dramatic sudden death. I have to. My spirit must acknowledge and face all the reality. So I can let it go, so I can accept it.
Right now I feel like I'm in the middle of the transition. The point where it seems like it's somehow getting harder...but it's not...I am way stronger. But relative to last week...it feels harder. If I contemplate a butterfly, I have gotten so strong that I think I am ready to fly...but the truth is; I still have to come out of the cocoon and then learn how to use my wings again. I can see the light....but it still feels so far away. It feels like I still have so much work to do.
Reminds me of my 3rd, 4th, 5th years of university. The novelty was wearing'off. Sometimes it was such a push. Sometimes I lacked confidence. Sometimes I questioned the road I chose. I couldn't see the light.
But I pushed through. The 6th year was easier than the third year because it was the last year.
I have come so far. Last Sunday I was driving home and it occurred to me I hadn't thought about Gord all morning. I hadn't analyzed my life or my grieving process. I was just living...living my new normal...my new life. I realized I felt carefree. I wasn't worrying about all issues or responsibilities. I've had my head down for the past 5 months trying to rebuild, afraid to stop looking at what happened, afraid to look away from the grief . Afraid of the unpredictability of life, of my emotions. But on Sunday I found myself looking up. I was breathing without thinking about it. I was living.
This road continues to confuse me. I'm continually experimenting with my limitations. I often have to step back. It can be discouraging. I wrote a paper about limitations in grade twelve." In the play Hamlet, what are the authors ideas regarding limitations.' My thesis developed the idea that fear is the greatest limitation. I still think that is true but now I think the most important thing we can do with our limitations is to continue to challenge them, learn how to compensate for them and learn how to accept them.
I'm grateful I often can see the world in it's brightest light. I just need to learn to accept that sometimes it has to rain....it is then that we finally grow.
This is a Christian song by Chris Rice. It rings so deeply inside me. I am thoughtful when I put religious content in my blog. I never want to seem like I'm pushing my faith on others. It is so central to my healing that it is hard to hide it. But I do know and respect that not everyone has the same faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPPSG_SpojY&list=RDcPPSG_SpojY
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