- Alberta Einstein
This morning I took the boys to an indoor playground. It was a great relief for the 3 of us. This weather is taking a tole on all of us. The boys play so hard, literally sweating from running from apparatus to apparatus. At one point Danny had a dramatic fall, just a slip but he hit hard. Before I could even react, he is was up...."I'm OK."
The fun was more important than the pain! He shook it off!
I once heard on a show about the pursuit of happiness that a person can not laugh and be in pain at the same time....
Recently I've been waiting for this readiness...to move on, to get over it, but.... I knew I couldn't because I will never forget Gord, nor do I want to. But today it hit me, I don't have to be ready, I have to choose it. I'm choosing to move forward.
What does that look like? It means accepting that Gord is gone permanently and no longer is on this earth. Our relationship is forever changed. I'm starting to trust in myself again. For the past months when it came to making a decision I would often feel paralyzed...How do I make a decision without Gord?, Without my second half, my better half. I would try to imagine... what would Gord say?, what would Gord do? I think I will always refer to many things Gord taught me, but for the first time yesterday I thought.....actually what would I do? I have to figure out again what I would do, what I think, who I am.
It means letting go of the person I was, the life I had and being open to the new life. I've already made many adjustments in my evenings. In fact, I'm putting so much into my days I'm often content to chill in the evenings and look forward to watching movies, reading books and just being online. But sometimes I find myself wanting to socialize more; but my friends and family don't have the movement in their lives to support these needs. I'm thinking it's time to make some single friends. I had spent much of Saturday feeling bummed. Weekends just aren't as much fun as they use to be. By Saturday evening I wanted to get out. I wanted to go to a movie, play pool or even go bowling for all I care. I have a nanny, I can get out but all my friends are married, they are with their children and their husbands and they should be. I need to accept that I need to adapt to my new life. I will always love,love,love all my married friends, but I'm single now...I also need to be with people who understand and connect to the single life.
It means letting go of old dreams and building new dreams. It means living every day..even with the pain. Perhaps sometimes I can laugh instead. I can shake it off. I feel like I want to contribute again, use my gifts again. I want to fully participate in relationships where there is team work and interdependence. I want to listen too. I want to be supportive!
I know I am still healing. I know I still have more growing and changing ahead of me. I know I still have to make many more adaptations and face many more waves of grief. But I'm starting to bloom and I feel like I need to start living. I'm moving forward with the pain! I will always be on this journey seeking understanding, seeking meaning, I think the next step is to journey with the world instead of hiding from it. I imagine I will fall, get hurt and even have to step back; but hopefully the fun will be more important than the pain. Hopefully I can shake it off and keep trying. If I've learned anything from this journey; it's that we grow from pain and we learn from experience. Sometimes we make a mistake and we change or sometimes we shake it off and try again. From my history I think it's predictable that if I get hurt chances are I will only grow stronger.
Gord was such a special part of my life. That never has to change. That will always be true! I'm very certain that Gord would be glad to hear that I want to live, that I want to be happy! I may not always be confident that the world will love me like Gord did. But at least, I always will know that he loves me... that I was perfect to him.
Last night I saw Pink perform at the Oscars. I haven't had many celebrities as role models; but I look up to her. Man, she can sing! Like myself, as a teen she was gymnast and a rebel with an attitude. As an adult she dedicated herself to build her body back and now she performs like she is in cirque du solieil. Amazing! I admire her tenacious spirit, her courage and her strength. At first I wanted to use "So What "as kind of moving on song, but considering some of my audience I thought it might be a bit brass and inappropriate considering the circumstances. I still love that song! " Try" was going to be my second choice..again the video is a bit racy for some. So I chose "Perfect"...it made me cry. I know sometimes I try to hard to be perfect. I'm really OK, just being me!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXe0m-aXo8Y
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