Room for Joy

This was written December 23,2013

To my surprise I awoke this morning feeling inspired. I have the urge to share. I hope my words bring you peace and joy this Christmas season.

It has been a high learning curve the past few months. Tragic grief is not common for a young family to endure. The journey often has felt endless and impossible.  However, we continue to find ourselves surviving, coping, growing and changing.

As waves of grief continue to suddenly wash over us I look for a pattern, for predictability. But alas, there is none. All I have come to realize is that there is still both sadness and joy.

During this Christmas season I’ve had many warn me that this holiday will hard for my little family. But I feel confused because Christmas has always been a time of joy and I don’t understand why that has to change. I do know that our spirits mourn the life of Gord and the sadness runs deeper than I could ever possibly imagine. In the same breath I can feel hope and joy.

I have come to the realization that I can choose to focus on all that we have lost or we can choose to focus on all that we have. I’ve turned my eyes outward and looked at the world. The devastation in the Philippines, poverty, abuse....there is much suffering in the world today. It humbles me and reminds of the all the blessings we have. This Christmas I gift my children and myself with gratitude.  I’m grateful for two beautiful healthy children, for friends and family that continue to surround us with love, support and prayers. I’m grateful for a beautiful home and living in such a great community. I love that I live in such a vibrant beautiful province and live in a country where there is freedom and peace. I’m grateful for the nine amazing years I was able to share with Gord.

This Christmas season I remember Gord, sometimes with fondness, sometimes with sadness but I’m comforted in knowing that he will always be present in our hearts and in our minds. He loved Christmas almost as much as loved skiing. I want to enjoy Christmas the way he did, the way we did.

So, although I may carry sadness in my heart, I want to make room for joy. We still need to enjoy each other and enjoy today. I can’t wait for life to get better because I don’t want to miss out on the joy that can be found today. I need to thank the Lord because I know that there are many more rainbows to be seen.

Merry Christmas

It's amazing to read this months later. I'm still reminded of these truths everyday. At the end of the day, it's always the same conclusion. There will always be joy whenever there is gratitude. My journey is still much the same, there is still sadness and joy but now I have more joy, more good days and the bad days have become predictable and sometimes preventable. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey. I live alone away from family. It helps to know that there is a world around me that cares.