Just my Luck!

It's a new season. I've heard every change in season is hard.

 I was feeling burnt out today. It was so predictable. I knew I was pushing my limits this week. I was impressed at how well the week went but last night I crashed and felt no better this morning.  But I'm learning to push through. I know I will recover.

Church was tough again. Noah is like a wild puppy at church and I have no idea how to train him. I felt stressed. I practiced deep breathing techniques. It got me through the hour.

A crew of us met at McD's play place after. That felt like Sunday!

This afternoon I chilled. I wore comfy clothes and we settled in. The boys ran around and played super heros, followed by video games. The conversations these days are great. " Who is your favorite Star Wars character? Who is your favorite super hero?" I guess Spider Man is the coolest right now. He scales buildings, jumps buildings, gets to swing from a web and can stop bad guys no problem.

 They are so full of life. I can't believe Gord isn't here to see this. They are so much like him. They are all boy! He would be so proud. I want to share this with him. They are so bright, so creative. Danny always has the innovative ideas and Noah blows my mind everyday. I wish their dad could be here to compliment their naturally science and math minded natures.

After supper I decided it was time to head outside. The spring air felt great. Ahh, the first thaw! Such a welcome relief. The sidewalks were dry so we pulled out the bike and wagon and headed to the park. The boys were beyond ecstatic. This is another first!

Again it hits. Gord and I went to that park so often. I was flooded with memories. There is a picnic table, we would sit there and watch the boys. I can remember so many conversations, so many laughs. Chats about work, about big decisions...about dreams. And here I am alone, my boys are growing up so fast, growing up so well. I want someone to talk to, to share this life with. This is so hard.

Sometimes I wonder if  I over idealize Gord..... Today I went to the young widow site. This young widow posted how she was coming to realize that her marriage hadn't been perfect and now that she dating she is realizing that her husband wasn't the most affectionate and that she was really appreciating receiving more affection in her new relationship. She still thought her previous husband was amazing but it was weird for her to realize he wasn't perfect. I thought...Gord wasn't the most affectionate either. Then I went on to read other posts. It was so sad. There was post after posts of widows confessing that their spouses were alcoholics, abusive, condescending, workaholics, there were many that has been cheated on, some found out after their spouse cheated on them. So many had regrets, unfinished business, restless, angry hearts. I can't imagine!

Wow, Gord really was wonderful. He was so emotionally healthy. He was secure. What a gift! I had a good man, a good marriage, a good life. He helped me to be a better person. I am still a better person. I can't believe we ended on such a high. I can't get over that I had no regrets. Why? Why did I have to lose something so rare, so amazing?

Today someone said to me I was fortunate to have been so loved unconditionally. I was lucky to have ever been loved unconditionally. She said some people never find that in a whole lifetime. I am fortunate for the experience but tonight I feel the huge loss.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. Makes me think about leprechauns, clovers, rainbows, treasure and beer.

Fortune, hope and treasure! I thought I had already had found my treasure. But based on my luck it looks like there is more to be found. I'm keeping my eyes open for rainbows. I think tomorrow I will make green cupcakes with my boys and finish the night off with a beer. Think green! Think life, think growth....think spring!