Let it be

Holding on, letting go. Wanting to have control, wanting to have a say. I feel like I deserve the right to be able to have a say. I wish I could know my future. I wish I could make steps in life and have things fall into the way I want it to.....

Everything feels like a big experiment right now. There are so many firsts. Reminds me of raising a baby. There are so many firsts in the first year. I'm a risk taker and discovering my old adventurous self. When Gord was alive I can remember craving adventure. I can remember fantasizing about when the kids would be old enough to go to Disney land, or go on mountain bike trips or perhaps even travel. But with little ones risks and adventure goes on the back burner.

So now I'm on a path that has potential for daily adventure... with my spirit, with my life. I'm always testing myself. This morning I remembered a quote my brothers have always said about snowboarding.

" If you don't fall once in a while, if you never get hurt....then you are doing it wrong!"

Words of wisdom...I think so! For me, feeling hurt, getting hurt. It's a part of my everyday now. Why not test, experiment, explore and discover? I've already survived the worst.

Now to let go. Let it be!

I analyze everything! Everything! I want to understand everything, I want to figure out everything and solve every problem. This was also something Gord taught me, How to analyze, how to problem solve. But somehow I think Gord was better at judging problems as to whether they could be solved, whether they needed to be solved. I think he was better at letting go, being objective! Some problems have no solution!Some obstacles can not be moved.

" God grant me the serenity to to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

I'm goal orientated. I just want to know what the end looks like. What does it look like when I'm healed. What am I striving for. Where will I be? I want to know...will I move? Will I meet someone? Are my kids going to have issues? Am I going to have issues? Will I make a career change?

I need to let go.

I need to get off this wheel, trust myself and let life unfold. It will!

I need to accept that life has struggle. There are going to always be obstacles, there is also always going to be accomplishments, moments of joy, moments of celebration. This is true for everyone, no matter what the story.

A part of me wishes that life could just remove obstacles for a year or so. I think coping with adjusting to change, mourning a huge loss and recovering from an emotional trauma could be enough for one year. But life still has to happen, especially if I'm getting out and living it. I've been told that most people under my circumstances find a way to shut down, cocoon....

I can't do that. My spirit just wants to live. But it is still a choice to get out and live. So I need to accept that if I take more risks, there will be a higher likely hood of challenges. So far, I'd say living has brought me further faster. I think I'm healing quickly, but I'm probably going to get hurt more often. Good thing I'm strong and can get back up. So...I guess I'm probably not changing any time soon. I think I'm going to stick with the program. For now I think I need to let go of knowing why everything happens, let go of knowing what the future holds and let go of any notion that life will ever be easy. It's a challenge.

Meanwhile, I'm also in the process of letting go of Gord. I'm slowing accepting he is not here, I'm gradually coming to understand I will be ok if he is not here. I'm coming to accept that this experience was life altering in some very painful ways and in some wonderful ways. I'm learning how to say.... let it be.

I can spend the rest of life wishing this wasn't true, always wanting it back,  denying this reality or I can accept it. I can let it just be....

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/videos/flashback-paul-mccartney-bono-bruce-springsteen-play-let-it-be-20131024