I posted this on Facebook today. Then I deleted it. I thought, how could I post this. It felt so wrong, almost like a betrayal to be believe that Gord dying could lead me to something beautiful. But a part of me does believe this. A part of me needs to have this hope. Without this hope...it would mean that my life would never be full again, whole again and if that is the truth...I will have many many days in despair.
I do try to find the beauty in everyday right now, but the road is hard and my head if often down. I'm so tired these days. I'm sleeping well, eating well, resting well. I have maintained my exercise and I've been maintaining most of my expectations for myself as a mom.I'm doing everything I can possibly imagine to be well and I still feel exhausted. I struggle with feeling motivated. But I have climbed enough mountains in my life that I know sometimes you have to push through even when you don't feel motivated. You have to persevere, because giving up...shutting down definitely won't lead to my destination. If I lie down in the middle of the storm, the storm still continues but if I keep moving, I have a better chance of being resilient and finding a place of refuge.
From my personal experience...the greatest challenges have lead to the greatest rewards. It is only when I have conquered my greatest mountains that I realized what I was capable of. I would look back and although it was painful, and hard...I would do it again because it has formed who I am today. It has made me strong, it has given me wisdom. And who I am is beautiful.
This journey is a life long mystery that forever is unfolding in front of me. I am going to persevere because I know there will be peaks....it will be worth the climb, worth the view!
Gord would want me to have this hope! It is not a betrayal, it is honoring the happiness he always wanted me to experience.
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