I've had many friends and family go on vacation this winter. It forces me to revisit those feelings abandonment. I find myself missing people. I notice their absence. Sometimes it has made me appreciate them more...
In my past when I've experienced a change in relationship, often an absence, I'm initially faced with a reality I don't want to accept. It's hard. Eventually over a long period of time...thoughts fade,feelings fade. With the absence of Gord in my life, this has only been half true. I think about him less...but I love him more.
It seemed like around the time of Gord's death there were other deaths in the community, some also tragic and shocking. I remember at church Father Brian seemed to make a point to discuss the nature of funerals and death. I have now heard him say many times.
" When a person dies, the bond of love is not in least bit interrupted but is in fact enhanced. Through the exchange of spiritual gifts...faith,hope and love this bond forever grows."
Lately I've really been facing the reality that Gord truly loved me. I know this more than ever now because there is no one on this earth right now that had my heart like he did. He knew me. He knew my moods, my nature...what inspired me ..what frustrated me. He knew how to encourage me and how to tame me. He seemed to know when to take me seriously or when to just wait until the morning when I was better rested. He knew I loved him. I didn't fully appreciate how safe and secure I was really was him. How wonderful it truly was to know that every day I had a man that would love me forever, unconditionally.
I can't believe I lost this. My heart is so lost. My tears are now of love, if Gord can hear me I want him to know that I have never loved so deeply and don't think I could have with him here. My soul feels overwhelmed with love. For it has only been in his absence( about 150 days)now that I have come to realize how much we loved each other, how much I appreciated his gentle, kind soul, how much he did, and how much he brought to this world.
How do I go on with all this love.....
I've been trying to move forward, to adapt. I am! But....my heart and my mind are lost. For nine years I thought about Gord everyday. Over the past years all day long, when I would experience anything interesting...happy, sad, outrageous or just mind provoking...I would note it. I would share it with Gord. Sometimes I didn't wait for him to get home. I could call him at work. I now know that I thought about him when I bought groceries and cooked meals. I know I loved spending time with him more than anything or anybody else. ( my kids too) He was my favorite person! I thought about him when I thought about my future, my dreams and my goals, I considered his needs when I made decisions.
Because I love him...I will let him go. I can let him go because our love will always be there.
I read an analogy about love a long time ago
When holding a pile of sand, if you close your hand the sand will begin to fall through all the cracks. However, If you just hold your palm out the sand remains.
Love is only love when it is given freely, Therefore to fully love Gord I have to let go and believe that he always loves me now and forever. I also love him so much that I want him to be free.
I also imagine us in the air right now, holding onto each other, neither of us are where we are suppose to be, only when we let go can either of us go where we belong.
Now who do I love? Where does mind and heart go now?
Months ago I read that after tragic loss, it's productive to volunteer and pursue passions. I remember thinking, I can barely take care of myself or my own children, how would I do that.
I have been putting most of my passion into my kids and my writing, but my heart is ready for more. It feels amazing to have a reason to get out of bed and put my dress clothes on and help others in need. I'm looking forward to volunteering again, start subbing and hopefully teach part time in the future. Gord often said to me he was so grateful I had a career to fall back in case anything were to ever happen. Sometimes I wonder if he knew...
As I observe myself step forward and leave the past behind me. I know I will always carry a part of Gord in my soul, and I'm excited with anticipation of what the future has waiting for me and my boys. We are going to be ok.
Today a song gently came upon me. It's a favorite. When I hear it, I think of my Grandpa Daniel McRae, still alive now at age 90. He had to leave home at age 19 to work in the war. I also think about my Danny boy! But today when this song came to my mind. I thought of Gord....
T'is you, t'is you, must go and I must bide.
This song is a story about loss, about love!
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ckn6x_celtic-woman-danny-boy-live-at-morris-performing-arts-center-south-bend-in-2013_music
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