Within days of Gord's passing I found myself on Google...searching...wanting to understand, wanting to know what to expect. I remember coming across a young widows blog. Her entry was about her wedding rings and her decision to remove them from her finger. I vividly remember this moment. I was not ready for that moment. It struck me.... I was no longer married. I could not accept that truth at that time. I could not imagine taking off my wedding rings ever....
I loved being married. It was always a dream of mine and it was better than I could of imagined. I loved the security and stability that came with marriage. I loved having a best friend to share my life with...to the share the everyday with. I loved having someone that intimately knew my story and still loved me with all the imperfections. I loved having someone...where even on sick days in our pajamas, eating left overs, watching movies and having naps... was still considered a good day. I loved having someone that fully knew my whole history and could be there to bounce ideas off of, to plan with, to vent with. to celebrate with. I loved knowing that I had someone who was always going to be loyal, reliable.I loved the idea that someone was always thinking about me, always loving me. I loved having a partner to parent with, to affirm me,to challenge me and to encourage me. I loved having someone who enjoyed and loved my kids as much as I did. I also loved having someone to think about, to support, to encourage... to love...
I had an amazing marriage and now I'm no longer married.
As the months have passed I would look at my rings and ponder. I had gained weight since the wedding day...so it made it easy for me to continue to fail to acknowledge this reality. There are so many things I have had to accept regarding this concept of not being married.
First of all, I'm a single parent. It has been an overwhelming amount of adjustment getting use to assuming many new responsibilities. I still struggle with accepting that I have to be responsible for it all. I almost ran out of gas coming down the ski hill because I failed to pay attention. I haven't had to pay attention for 9 years. I've had to fill the windshield washer fluid 6 times since Gord passed. I had no idea he filled it that often! Small job...yes! First time my neighbor had to help me figure out how to open the lid. All these first are intimidating, overwhelming and a reminder that I have to learn how to do it all my own. I watch other couples now and I see how they depend on each other and I also see they have no idea of how many ways they support each other. When you are use to being a team, playing solo is tough.
I have had to accept that I am single and if I ever want to remarry, which I pray I do, I will have to date again. DATE!!!! AHHH! I don't know how to date, where to start, I don't know what I'm like being single around single men. Do I really have to this again?????
I've been hanging out more on the young widows bulletin board site and discovered the dating section is where I fit. Everyone there is healing and moving forward. It has been great to find a group who have explored or are exploring this world and there is a wealth of insight.
Good news...young widows that came from healthy happy marriages are more likely to date sooner and marry sooner because basically they have a high opinion of marriage, men and themselves. They also have less grief to work through because there is less unresolved feelings. Awesome! So I tested the waters a few weeks ago and went to the bar. It was very affirming for me. I quickly discovered how strong I am and how I definitely still know how to talk to men. It was also affirming to receive a little attention. I also quickly realized I that the outgoing, immature drunk guy really isn't my style anymore and I figured I would probably be much more interested in the professionals visiting in the booths. The only problem is they are less approachable because they really don't look like they are looking. Anyways, what I really came away with knowing is that I'm a great woman and I know great quality men are out there, and for now that is all I need to know. I don't feel like I am in a rush right now. As much as this independent life is challenging I'm seeing the value in doing this on my own first. This grief isn't going away any time soon and I'm observing that I continue to get stronger at coping with it and I'm establishing some life long coping skills. I am learning how to manage it and I can see the worthwhile endeavor to continue building these skills.As well, I think it is beneficial for me to master how to be a single mom before really entering another relationship. If I've learned anything from this whole experience, I've learned it's good to share the load... it's also good to know how to carry it all on own....in case one day...you might have to.
About a month ago...I was resting in bed, in the afternoon, I was playing with my rings. They slowly came off. I've lost weight since Gord died, enough that the rings came off. I held them. They felt heavier than I remembered. They were warm. My finger felt shaky, unsteady, unsure.
Gord is a mining engineer. Buying a ring was way more than buying what was in fashion. I remember telling him, I would rather spend thousands on a honeymoon than a ring. I wanted something nice but I still like holidays better.
I am going to tell you about the awesomeness of the engagement ring. It has been around 7 years since Gord has explained this to me so forgive me if I'm off with some of the details. The metal is platinum. Gord assured me platinum is the best metal. He said that it is the only metal that doesn't scratch away. He told me that if I ever get it shined it would return to it's original state. I forget the kind of cut it has, all I know is the cut reflects the most amount of light. It's simple, it's beautiful and it is a Tiffany ring. I know he got it online, on Ebay. I thought that was just fabulous. We ended up with a 3 week honeymoon on an Alaskan cruise followed by camping along the Oregon coast.
As I continued to remember all this I really came to see how valuable these rings are. We really had a wonderful marriage, we really shared unconditional love, we made two beautiful children and although I do have to make peace with my reality I also have to remember the story.
I thought about all the possibilities...I could have them altered into a different type of jewelry, I could put them with his ashes, I could tuck them away. After many minutes of contemplation I decided to put them with my grandma McRae's wedding rings which I received when she passed. It felt right!
Days went by and I thought about the rings constantly. I just wanted them with me. I finally decided to attach them to a necklace. This feels right...they are no longer on my finger and it is helping me to accept that I'm not longer married but they are with me and remind me that they are always a part of my story.....that Gord will always be a part of my story.
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