The truth about the human condition

Writing my last blog was challenging at times but the anticipation was worst than the reality. Having two boys to constantly distract me and force me to take breaks gave the natural breath I needed to get through the writing experience. I did feel a relief to write and a sense of accomplishment. But the transformation I received wasn't from the writing but rather the response.

It is a common understanding that in the face of tragedy and crisis true friends, true supports will become revealed. It is also known that it can be devastating and disappointing to discover your beliefs about how people operate and the human condition were mistaken.

This is normal. This is a predictable reality people who suffer tragedy have to face. But I've come to another realization, this is not the big picture, this is not fully true. The human condition is more complex.


When Gord first died I was overwhelmed by the love and response from the community and friends and family.  The out pouring of support was uplifting and carried me through those first most unusual days. I can remember thinking....I don't know if I can survive this event but maybe with the support of hundreds of people it will be possible to climb this mountain.

I believed I needed support from around two hundred people to survive!!!

People would say, " If you need anything...anything...please let me know, I want to be there for you."

I believed them.

I believed that everyone around me would be become empowered to give me the help and support I needed. I knew that people had busy lives so that is why the quantity of people was so important.

As the weeks went by the support and availability dwindled and dwindled.

Before my parents left I started putting it out in the community that evenings and weekends would be my most challenging times. Gord was home every night, 5 ish. We hung out. We chatted, sipped on wine, went for walks, played with the kids, watched tv. This was my routine for the past 9 years or so. I've always struggled with being alone. I was afraid to be alone.

The week after my parents left was probably to hardest, darkest most challenging week in my entire life. The phone was silent...night after night. I felt like I was dying. Day 4 a friend called and asked if she could come one evening and bring ice cream and watch a movie with me. We were in the early stages of building a friendship, now she is one of my most closest, most reliable friends. She confessed to me weeks later that she was terrified to take that step. But she did anyways.

The next night a close friend called and we chatted for about an hour. It was the first night I slept in weeks. That brought me to the realization that I have to reach out, I have to find more supports that are willing. A friend sent me a text to make a phone date. Brilliant I thought. It was so hard to reach out during these days. I sent out 20 texts to close friends and family and asked to make phone dates. Some responded.

I remember sharing my dismay with a councilor. She challenged me to see it from their perspective.She explained to me that people don`t know what to say. They are scared. At the time I didn`t have the ability to understand

As time has gone on, I've come to understand that most 30 year olds have no idea, experience or confidence in knowing how to support someone who has suffered a tragic, traumatic loss. It is terrifying. It is hard to face. It is hard to be vulnerable.

Everybody experiences grief differently. Everybody copes with stress differently. Under extreme stress and emotional pain many relationships collapse, many fail. When there is a tragedy people feel helpless, powerless. It is the worst feeling ever!

Everybody has limitations, their own fears, their own story. Everybody has a different capacity for love. It`s human nature to avoid feelings of rejection, failure, isolation and abandonment. Everybody has a certain level of fear of intimacy. That is the truth about humanity. This is why it was hard for people to support me,not because they didn`t care but because they didn`t know how to.

However, now I am beginning to see the most amazing, magical, wonderful  and healing side of humanity. Human compassion.

Last weekend I ventured out of my comfort zone and went to a lounge as a single woman for the first time in 10 years. It wasn`t necessarily my intention to go for the purpose to meet men, I`m however starting to feel curious about this world. That night I learned many things about myself  and I began to rediscover who I am.

I had a memorable encounter. It was a friend of a friends birthday party. I really enjoyed the woman I met. It was carefree..fun! There were a couple of men with the party. I played pool with one guy, he was friendly, approachable and  at the same time reserved. It was a good game.

Later in the evening our group decided to move location to a bar with a dance floor. At one point I found myself sitting next to this man. Conversation happened naturally. He talked about his kids. I could tell they were his world. He worked at Teck. Somehow we ended up on the topic of our relationship status. I asked him if he knew Gordon Mark. He did. I told him that Gord was my husband. His whole demeanor, disposition changed on a dime. He softened. The way he looked at me reminded of the fashion my brothers look at me. He looked like he wanted to give me the biggest bear hug. He looked like he wanted to help me, protect me.

He responded by saying he could never imagine what it must be like to lose a spouse. He showed compassion. After knowing him for 5 minutes he showed me compassion like a brother would. It touched me.

He found himself opening up to me. He shared a highly similar traumatic loss he witnessed with own fathers death. He was still grieving, He had children, a full time job. Time was not a luxury for him. I felt compassion for him.

Just as he finished his story another girl flew into conversation and my girl friend pulled me to the dance floor. It was odd to not continue after such a sharing experience, but the encounter has left me feeling encouraged.

A couple of weeks ago I received a message. It was from an acquaintance in town. We had been in choir together in years passed. She confessed she had been wanting to stop in for months but somehow didn`t make it. She wanted me know that since Gord died she started every morning with a prayer for me and the boys.

Everyday! I realized that people pray for my boys and I everyday. People ask me how I remain strong. I am strong because my family has been showered with prayer everyday for 6 months. That is  a lot of grace. I realized that people care, they have so much compassion.

At the ski hill on Saturday I ran into a good friend;  I hadn`t seen him in months. We hadn`t seen each other since before Gord died. He gave me the best hug, He didn`t let go, I found myself  welling up with emotion. He apologized and confessed he didn`t attend the funeral. He said he wanted to, but for many reasons he couldn`t. He admitted for his own personal reasons, he didn`t attend. He was so honest. He had so much compassion.He also told me that him and his wife make more effort to have quality time since Gord died. They now see the value more than they had before.

I retold my traumatic story in my last blog entry. I thought it would be healing to face it. I thought maybe I can be an instrument for healing for others as well. I did not expected that the healing would come from the response.

I`ve made assumptions why people would be interested in reading my blog.  My experience is rare, therefore naturally interesting to people, I also knew some wanted to know where I was at, and I hoped that some were looking for inspiration.

I received so much response from my last blog and I found out why people read my blog. They read it because they care, because they want to understand, they want to know how to be there for me. People read my blog because they have compassion. I can barely type right now because I feel so overwhelmed with the love I am receiving. I am loved. I feel so amazed by the human spirit. I have had to endure a heart breaking loss but the gift I`ve been given is the opportunity to see humanity at it`s best. For the past 6 months people have followed me on Facebook, sent me texts and messages I have received phone calls from friends I haven`t talked to in 20 years. People email me songs, send me books. Some people give me really good hugs. Some people have made themselves available to me the same time every week to help me build new routines. There are so many people that encourage me, affirm me and pray for me and check in with me. Friends plan girls nights and invite me to functions. They include me. I am so blessed! There were 134 page views of my last blog. I guess I`ve maintained a huge quantity of support.

So now I know, We are limited in what we can give but we are compassionate. Compassion is the greatest healer! This is the truth about the human condition.

Thank you for all the compassionate ways you have supported me. Just knowing you think about me makes me feel loved. Feeling loved is what is healing my soul.