Savor Every Moment

Something hit me for the first time last night. I can't believe after 5 months certain thoughts are rocking me for first time. Last night, alongside a good friend, I watched a movie titled "About time". For those who haven't seen it, the movie sheds light on the ideas of loss, letting go and saying good bye.

For the first time it hit me..it washed over me without warning....I never had the opportunity to say good-bye. I never got to have that moment.

I found myself fantasizing. Dreaming  that  I would be alone with Gord, we would be fully present to each other. I imagine I would look so deeply into his eyes and tell my soul to imprint this image forever. I imagine I would savor every second, really feel my last embrace....cherish my last kiss.

I would tell him that I love him so much. I would thank him for being such a wonderful good person. I would thank him for all his selfless acts and tell him that he will forever leave that legacy on earth. I would tell him that I will always pray that he lives in eternal joy surrounded by all his family and friends that passed on.  I hope his paradise exceeds all his imagination. I would tell him to continue being a soldier of love and spend the rest of eternity fighting the good fight and that I would be so honored , for even just a second to follow in the shadows of his wings.

I would promise him that I will spend my life trying to find the happiness, joy and peace that exists in every day, in the ordinary. I will teach our boys how to thrive under adversity and use it to make this world a better place. I will always remind them of all that you are, all that you did and all that you taught us. I will do my best to stay connected however I can and show our boys that heaven isn't too far away and our time here is short but eternal life is forever.

....But I didn't get to say good bye, it all happened before my mind could even begin to register reality. I can hear my councilor right now. "I guess that wasn't part of the plan."

Last night, I had my first opportunity to grieve with a friend. We both were a bit raw with emotion when the film came to a close. She had lost her dad 2 years prior and had many of her own emotions. I wanted to share but realized that I didn't know how. I hadn't really done this yet. Through quivering lips and eyes welling up....I took a leap and shared, " I never got to say good bye."

She began to tear up, she told me she didn't say good bye to her dad either. But her dad was sick for 6 weeks....She said she couldn't bare putting him through more pain, she couldn't bare falling apart in front of him...

It made sense, I could relate. My heart broke for her too.

We can spend our lives trying to recreate our past and wanting to change what happened or we can trust that it was part of the plan.

I have often felt grateful that the kids and I didn't have to watch Gord get sick and suffer and I guess that means we didn't get the perfect good bye. In every moment I grieve, there seems to be a message, a gift. For myself; what I have gained in losing the perfect good bye..... is to savor every moment because we might not always have the opportunity otherwise. The moment is the only guarantee we ever really have.

Now, I can envision Gord having tea with grandma McRae, cracking jokes with Andy, maybe having a drink with his grand dad and visiting with his grandma. I imagine him catching up with his buddy Richard and picking the brains of the Saints. I imagine him happy.

It was so healing to grieve with a friend. I think I need to do this more often. As well, when my boys hit the realization that they never had the opportunity to say good bye to their dad, I will suggest writing him a letter because it has brought me  a new peace to write my good bye.