Sunday sadness...always seems to find me. It's been snowing for 3 days, it's March 30th and I can't find the sunlight. I feel like I'm being held under water. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm drowning. Drowning in sorrow; in sadness. I had a vision today. I saw myself walking through a maze, at each corner I am greeted with a new face... a new face of grief, a new memory that surfaces. I'm learning I have to take the time to sit and visit, stay with the grief, the moment.
I am often afraid of my emotions. They can be overwhelming...but I'm learning...that it is OK. It's OK to be overwhelmed. I am still safe, I am still secure...I will be OK. I try to set myself up for success by finding ways to reduce stress in my life. But it still finds me....Sadness finds me, greets me, needs me.
Church is one my most emotional outlets. Due to the enormous group of people attending I wish it wasn't...but it is this place for me, whether I want it to be not.
Today Noah was an angel. I prepped my boys a few times. I reminded them, whispering and walking. Someday it will be...be quiet and be still. Yeah right! Anyways they were both calm, they played quietly. Noah snuggled many times. I found myself enjoying church with my boys. Ah...finally!
I still didn't catch much from the readings and the homily. I love Father Brian's homilies. Dependably, his wisdom is often simple and profound. Noah calls him grandpa. He is like a grandpa to all of us. I only caught the last bit, it was about being humbly obedient to the mysteries. He talked about doubt, and how it is part our faith journey. Yup, that's it, that is all I got.
For a second my mind forgot Gord is gone.
I thought...Gord will catch me up with what I missed. Then it hit me...again...he is not here..
I miss our Sunday post church chats...or should I call them mind blowing deep discussions. Exploring my faith with Gord was like exploring space or exploring under the sea. It was endless. He could go anywhere, discuss anything and he so often blew my mind.
We went to a bible study last year with a few other couples from our Parish. It was more like a course. It was highly philosophical and educational and Gord and I loved it. Well... to be honest ,Gord often saw it as an opportunity to have a nap, but he always seemed to get just as much out of it as I did.
Today, I had a memory before church. It was a feeling, I remembered the feeling I had when Gord I shared a deep thought. It was a feeling like our souls were connecting in a special way.
It was a new concept that we were learning at the bible study. Something along the lines like God is always dynamic to us, the church is dynamic to us for the simple fact that there is just to many different angles and perspectives to understand God. To Gord this was such an exciting realization. God is so much more than us, than our human minds can even begin to possibly comprehend. Gord loved analyzing...anything, the more angles..the better. My mom has often compared the relationship with God to be like a 4 year old to a grandfather. There is so much to learn, there is so much to understand and sometimes mystery is left to faith...to humble obedience.
I sat with this loss this morning...at church...at church I cried, I mourned. When I left...I burst into tears again. I went to McDonalds, I felt bummed out, I felt sad and I didn't pretend. I'm sick of the snow, I need this winter over. I was missing Gord, my intellectual guide...my soul mate.
I miss sharing deep thoughts, I miss having my mind blown, I miss having someone that challenged me. I am full of sorrow to suffer this great loss.
I'm starting to have a predictable response. Somewhere in my tears..I find resolve. I come to same conclusion every time.
....But he is not here. He is now gone. Permanently...I will never have an intellectually stimulating, mind blowing conversation with Gord ever again. And this is the truth...whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not...whether it is sad or not...it is still the truth.
At every corner of this maze when I am faced with a truth, a grief , a loss.... I have a choice...
I can either make peace with the loss, or I can walk away and have to return to revisit that loss again. I can look back over the past six months and see I have made peace with so much loss..I have traveled so far on this journey....but the road continues.
Today I choose to make peace with the truth, to accept the truth, to accept the loss, I also accept the sadness.
I can't change what has happened. It has happened.
It's not fair, it's not easy....But no one ever said that life would be easy or fair.
I'm glad I have so many memories talking with Gord...they will forever live in mind and my heart and forever I will find them living in a part of my soul.
Everybody Hurts -REM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOiW_xY-kc
Everything hurts today. I'm sitting with the sadness. But I'm going to HOLD ON! I'm will keep walking...I'm holding out for more sunshine. It's in the forecast!
I hear ya Jen. No one will say they know what it's like unless they've been there.
ReplyDeleteToday I saw the Uganda children's choir calle the Watoto Choir at North Pointe. They are now touring Canada There were stories shared. The children are from an orphanage. Alone to survive. These few are the lucky 3000, of millions needing help. Many shared their personal story. After a few shared they sang this song. I saw one little girl wipe tears away, another little boy sat with his hand lifted up in prayer. They needed a hug, like you, just for being strong when it's not easy. AC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJpmXZvdG1I
Thanks for sharing aunty, the song was beautiful. It is good to be reminded that there is so much suffering in the world.
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