It was surreal, like stepping into a dream. It was a world I recognized...but somehow it wasn' t the same. I now realize that the cabin is like a second home. I was revisited with feelings of confusion, disbelief, numbness...shock! My mind was trying to adjust... however, this world...this place just didn't make sense with out Gord. It was jarring!
Everything was a reminder...everything was a trigger.
It felt like I was there just yesterday...my mind kept searching for Gord. I cried often...
The first night going to bed was similar to the first nights I slept with out Gord after he died. I couldn't sleep. I was cold. After sitting at the fire...my back was frozen. We use to hold each other on these nights to stay warm. WHERE IS MY HUSBAND? It's so dark out there, so many different sounds...the air was cool. I became paranoid...my senses became heightened...I heard everything. I was cold, terrified and yearning for Gord. I thought about sending a text to someone...but I was paralyzed. I was frozen... It was a night mare!
The following day...was a calm comfortable day. I enjoyed the company of my family. They held me...many times. All day I continued to trip...be hit with grief...but I wasn't alone. I faced it! I confessed my sadness...how much I missed Gord...how confusing it was for me. It felt as if he had just died yesterday. My world doesn't make sense again!
I became numb. I couldn't think...I couldn't feel. I started to fall. I began to slip into negativity. I could feel a heaviness come over me. I was in disbelief that I had regressed so intensely.I was in disbelief...nothing made sense. I hadn't predicted this. I was trying to understand my new reality....Gord is not here!
This weekend had many great moments, great new memories were made; but so often...I just felt the void. I kept finding myself thinking...this is fun...this a great place...but it was better...with Gord. I felt single. My family is all married now...except me! The cabin is a place of romance...it's a place where you finally slow down...unplug...relax.
Today we all went for a walk, My brother and sister in law began to hold hands. They appeared so comfortable...happy. You could see a certain relief in them..They finally had time to just be. My first reaction...was to be so happy for them. It really does fill my heart with joy to see couples in love, enjoying each other...enjoying their marriage.
However, today...my second reaction...was a wave of grief. It only lasted seconds...but it stung.
I've lost so much. It hurts so much to remember...it hurts more to yearn for him.
Despite all this grief, all the jarring triggers...feeling stunned and shocked...I still had a memorable, great weekend. There was still so much to enjoy, so much to celebrate...so much to be grateful for.
I truly appreciate my family. They are so desperate to be there for me. They can't wait. When there is an opportunity to support me, they dive in. It was amazing to feel so supported...so loved. I could fall...and someone would catch me, hold me...console me. For the first time in so long...I didn't have to grieve alone. They would listen...they really wanted to hear me talk...share..confide.
The heaviness did lift. By the evening of the second day I had found my grounding again. The world around me began to settle...already I was beginning to accept this new reality...I began to adapt. I started living in the moment. I embraced the sunshine, the birds, the view of the lake...I enjoyed company and happy hour. I loved watching the kids bond with each other, with the grand parents, with the aunts and uncles. The camp fire conversations the first night were full of laughter...or full of depth. We bonded! The second night, we continued indoors...the night was cool. When I went to bed, I drifted off to the beautiful sounds in the night...I felt loved..content. I slept 8 hours.
I feel a sense of pride in conquering another first. I know next time will be easier. I had no issues packing up, travelling and being a single parent at the cabin. The boys continue to become more and more independent every year. I thoroughly enjoyed the drive. I live in a gorgeous province and music can be just as satisfying as company. I read an article that explained that signing releases a hormone called oxytocin, which produces positive feelings and reduces stress. It also enhances feelings of trust and bonding which also reduces feelings of loneliness and depression. Singing rocks! I sang all the way!
Monday morning...I packed up. I felt normal again...my world had returned. I made new memories...mourned passed memories and now I look to the future as I continue to build my new life. It was a time of pain, a time of healing...a time of grace.
That was hard to go through. There are many first's, too many, but then you were an active couple.
ReplyDeleteI like that you experience your pain Jen. It doesn't really slip away until it's acknowledged.
Glad the family were there for you.
There must be an analogy for emotional pain. I've thought about this before because emotional pain is also felt physically, like being cold, feeling numb, falling or needing help to stand and walk.
Loss is painful.
But troopers move on. Guess you and the kids are TROOPERS.
A big hug. AC