Waves of grief and Waves of Grace!

I'm rebuilding a a life, rebuilding myself...but sometimes at the end of the day I wonder why...

I had received many affirmations yesterday. In fact, I can't remember a time when I received so much positive feedback. I taught... everyone seemed to have a positive comment for me...regarding my outfit, my hair , my jewelry. I felt happy and I was glad to spread the joy. Teachers were asking how I was holding up. I genuinely could say, " I'm doing well, as well as I can...I embrace the good days, push through the hard days...my kids are thriving...life is a good as it can be."

 It feels amazing to say that...and mean it!

The grade 7 teacher whom I had subbed for, my first day returning since Gord's passing, called again last night. She expressed her sincere gratitude for my day with her students a month back. She said she appreciated the compliments I left about her class...She said she was impressed that the day had gone so well for me. She booked me for another day!

After an evening at Taekwondo my instructor made a point to ask me to stay at the end of class. He said he was impressed with my progress and asked if I wanted to test for my next belt. He shook my hand and told me he was proud of me.

My recent blog entries have been receiving positive feedback. People are expressing to me they are enjoying my writing...

I should have went to bed last night with a sense of pride..a sense of accomplishment. All my hard work and dedication is paying off. Instead...I felt the void..the absence. I came home to an empty, quiet home. There was no one to share my good news with, my good day with. There were no phone messages...no emails...not much activity on Facebook. I experienced feelings of abandonment, loneliness and isolation. I felt empty. I cried out! I can logically tell myself that I have an amazing network of support that cares about me, thinks about me....is often there for me...but I'm really struggling with coming to terms that this new reality. This is my support. I no longer have one constant. I have many....that often have their own lives.

I want someone to share my life with. Why am I trying?...Why an I working so hard? Last night...all the affirmations...all the accomplishment couldn't fill the void.

Weeks after Gord died I found myself at church on a Friday morning. I really felt...alive...I felt the presence of Gord there...I felt the presence of God. During those early days I often felt like I had somehow left this world and was living somewhere else...it was surreal. I felt like I had stepped one step further into the spiritual world..one step into a new dimension....

I remember kneeling...feeling excruciating pain in my soul. It was unbearable. I cried out! I begged God to rescue me from the pain. I didn't understand...I didn't understand why I had suffer so intensely. In the moment,  when I had nothing left...where I had emptied my soul, drained out all emotion...I felt like God said to me...." I can't rescue you from the pain...you have to enter in, into the healing, only then will you be able understand...make peace with it, let the pain go, grow and transform..."

God will not  rescue me from the pain...but he will comfort me, heal me and transform me. Everyday I experience divine intervention... I believe God uses the world around me to comfort me, to lead me...to inform me. Somehow I always receive the comfort, wisdom and consolation I need to persevere. It's never how I want it, or when...but I always know it is an answer to prayer. So often it comes in the form of words...found everywhere...in books..social media, magazines. Songs...tunes pop into my head constantly...I will Google them...they console me, like a best friend Songs...appear on the radio...they just seem to have to most amazing timing. I find myself in tears often when I drive. People...acquaintances, family members, friends...people from my past and new fresh bonds...bring comfort and words of consolation. Writing...brings me to healing,to understanding...to peace. Nature often lifts me in unexpected ways...deep ways. Sometimes I feel as though nature gives me a glimpse of the awesomeness that still exists today...that is to come.

As I type, I'm resting on my back deck. I'm encompassed by large trees. The sun is warm...it fills my whole body. The sounds of birds fall up on me. I looked up...the clouds. The clouds are there everyday...they are so enchanting to watch..they drift, change...are so dynamic. It is such a relaxing, peaceful experience and I wonder....why don't I do this everyday? This experience...watching clouds..spoke to the core of my soul. I felt so connected..to something so amazing, so beautiful...so much larger than myself... it's humbling to think...somehow I get to be a part of all this.

God can not rescue me, nothing can fill the void. No affirmations, no accomplishments, no distractions, no replacements, no self medications. Nothing....I have to face it, I have to feel it. I will however be comforted, I will someday be healed...and someday this void will be filled because my soul will no longer be wounded...it will repair and will be ready to make room for all the other wonders this world has offer.

Until this time of healing has come full circle, where my my mind, body, spirit and soul accepts all that I have lost, all that have I have had to endure ...I find my spirit has to ride... waves of grief and waves of grace.

Rebuilding my life today may not always feel like it has much meaning....but it is worth the efforts for the sake of my children, for the sake of all who are supporting me, for the sake of myself and for the sake of my future!

I don't always understand why I step forward....but I always know, that I still believe.... I should!