Summer surprises!

Summer is coming! It has many surprises.

I've started to have some good days again. Yesterday was an exceptional day. I had great energy, I was happy...I was hopeful . New ideas about my future began to enter my mind. I decided to join the woman's mountain bike club for the summer and I'm considering golf lessons. Golf is active and social.  I also focused on my boys and things they have coming up. It felt great to be the mom I used to be...the mom I am. The ordinary is now extraordinary to me. The regular day is such a gift. I use to experience euphoria on good days. The euphoric feeling has faded...but I think that is a good sign. That I'm coming down...back to real life. A place I use to live...a place I want to be.

Despite this good day...there were many little stings...little reminders...little surprises... popping up everywhere. I was strong though. This change in season is so welcome, in the same breath I know my little family will be facing more challenges, many more grief triggers, new responsibilities...more adaptation. It often surprises us.

A couple of days ago, while I was cooking supper; the boys had gone to the park with the nanny. Danny rode his bike. At 5 pm, the boys came through the door in anticipation for dinner. Typically, Danny would hop up the stairs and be filled with so much to tell me, he would have difficulty getting it out. Both my boys love to tell me everything and I love it. However, this day was different. Danny came in the door sounding as if he was injured. His tears were falling out. He could barely speak. He ran up to me, embraced me. He started stammering about how much he missed his dad and he couldn't believe he never get to bike ride with him again.

 I responded to Danny that I was having some of the same thoughts that day. I told Danny we will have so much to miss this summer, we had so much fun with Gord.

Danny said, " We just keep having to do everything without him"

This summer is going to filled with special occasions, and fun that we will have to do without our Gord. We keep doing it, we keep hanging in there and it continues to sting.

Last night a friend called to chat in the evening. I enjoyed it so much. We used to only chat when our kids were around and our conversations were often disjointed and incomplete. But last night we talked about so much. I went to bed feeling content...and then without warning it just fell out. I started to cry. I was yearning to be loved. I used to be loved. Everyday I had a man that deeply cared about me. Now I don't. No matter how great my day is, how bright of a future I try to create. I can't recreate this love. I don't know how to get past this.

This morning I awoke with heavy feelings. I didn't sleep well. I already lost that good feeling I had found the day before. I try...I know to battle through...but when I'm tired...I'm weak..I lack motivation. I wanted to call someone to help lift my mood....But who?

It seems like so many people I know have their own stresses, their own problems...there own sadness. I wanted to call someone who could lift me....All I really wanted to do was call Gord. Gord was so constant. He didn't really have bad days...he did...but they didn't phase him. He was always strong enough to be there for me. He didn't let me fall...he would simply remind me I was fine and I could handle whatever issue I was coping with. Just knowing he was there gave me so much confidence and security. I could face the world knowing that I never had to do it alone.

Today I have fallen back into sadness. Today I feel disappointed to see all the challenges ahead. Birthdays, Father's Day, Gord's birthday, October 2nd. My boys and I have to face all of this without him.

In the morning when I returned from an outing with Noah and some friends, I noticed an inch of dirt on the garage floor.  I knew it...I knew I would have to do this job. I told myself...just do it. I try to not be resentful and have self pity to take on these new responsibilities...but it is discouraging to always have to be both parents.

I also know that we will keep preserving, we will overcome these challenges. I will continue to have many good days and one day...in the future...this will be easier. I can look and see that when we do face the loss...it has less grip....there is less of an emotional reaction the next time we face it. It's all still so new...so fresh!

I am still confident  and hopeful for a bright future and we will continue to make the best of this life. Everyday!

The summer will be full of surprises....the tough surprises we will overcome and the unexpected good surprises will be so welcome and will remind of us of all the good to come.