Making the best of situations is becoming natural...I woke up this morning to a blanket of frosting. It's May, I just thought...looks beautiful...it won't last.
I'm in my comfy clothes, with steaming peppermint tea, listening to music...today isn't so bad. Sometimes it's great to have an excuse to kick back, slow down....just enjoy.
In my restful moments... I find myself hit with grief. It creeps in...I try to deny it...I just want to stay content. Saturday mornings...I feel the absence...the huge void. This morning I miss the easiness. Gord and I were most often on the same page...if we weren't...we found a way to get there quickly. We enjoyed each others company, we enjoyed our kids...we enjoyed our life. We were proud of our life. I miss not having to be anything. On weekends...sometimes I would stay in comfy clothes all weekend.
We had many date nights...I would dress up. I would look to Gord for affirmation, it often didn't seem like he would notice my efforts...but then he would assure me that he thought I looked beautiful whether I was in pajamas or formal attire. He told me I didn't have to impress him...he was already impressed! He told me looking good should be more for my benefit. If it builds my confidence that is all he cared about. I can remember asking him what he thought of my hair cuts, he would just say it matters more what you think. No matter how I changed my looks...he thought I looked great. I miss this. I miss not having to be concerned with my appearance...I miss just being loved.
Gord was so secure....we didn't have to compete. He never made me feel like I was less, he was only interested in building me up . I was so safe in this relationship. I miss feeling safe, I miss having one relationship that brought me so much security.
Having such a secure relationship...gave me so much resilience. I was able to cope with so much because I had such a strong anchor. Now...I find I have to be so careful with my heart. Challenging moments can knock me down...it triggers grief, it makes me miss Gord...it rocks my confidence. I've lost my anchor. My ship is looking for stable ground. I want rest!
My boys offer a security. I feel it...they always love me. Even if I can't always give them what they want...they know. We recover so quickly when are emotions become overwhelmed, when we take our feelings out on each other...we are so quick to apologize. We want to be there for each other. This morning within in 20 minutes of being awake the boys were in tears. They wanted to watch different shows, Noah wanted Danny's cup, Danny didn't want to part with his. They were not in the mood to cooperate. They were both being so unreasonable...so irrational.
I thought, " I can't start my day like this!"
I put them both in time out, I told them....we are going to have a restart.
They both cried, screamed...had their emotional release.
After I took them out, they couldn't get to each other fast enough, they couldn't hug fast enough. They just wanted to make up. Without prompting...they both apologized...ran downstairs and began to play. We hurt each other sometimes these days...but we don't want to. We know that....that brings us all so much security. We are quick to compensate, quick to start building again.
I used to have a love...that made it easy to be myself....he made it easy to be together. He was so easy to love. I use to have a love that built me up and helped me to be strong. Now...I have to do it...I have to build myself. I have to remind myself that I'm still everything that Gord saw. It is still all true. I am still a good mom...a good person. I am still capable...I am strong. I need to remind myself...I can do this...even alone! I know Gord still believes in me, still loves me.
This active grieving process is so much work, it demands so much thought, emotion and attention...but I'm willing, I desire to be healed...I have hope, I'm hanging on hope. There has to be hope!
Perhaps hope...is my new anchor!
Hebrews 6:19
This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary.
Gord brought my life so much peace...he really kept the world at bay for me. This song has always made me think about my relationship with Gord.
Easy Silence - by Dixie Chicks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQvD5tdTHW8
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