How do I go from two to one? Over night! It happened so fast. We were a team! For good reason...we needed each other. Every day lately I've been stumbling in life discovering all the ways that Gord supported me...made up for my weaknesses, my inadequacies. This is so humbling...to find out how much I have to learn..how much I have to be responsible for. He was so darn smart. I really relied on him...probably more than I should of. He was always challenging me...I can hear him.
"Jen, you should try and learn this...you could do this...you never know when you might have to do this on your own."
I would always look at him...and think...why do you always say that?
But it was so much easier...convenient to let him cover those bases...those areas that came so naturally to him.
This week I broke a large drawer...the roller broke. I didn't become overwhelmed; however...I was frustrated because I had no idea how to fix it or even what part or tool I would use. But I did think...I have friends who might have a clue. The hard part is accepting that they are all busy with their own lives and it might have to wait. Then the next day the wii remotes stopped working...all 4 of them. I HAVE NO CLUE! I'm trying to stay rational...meanwhile Noah thinks the end of the world is coming again. Again...I reached out to a friend...and I suggested we wait a day...because from my experience; technology can just be weird that way. I was right. They all work fine now. Honestly!
Today I was going to buy a MacBook Air, I decided it would be a good self gift for Valentines Day, my birthday, my anniversary and mothers day. I know Gord would be supportive...as it supports my interests...something he would always encourage. So again, I'm calling the same friend for the third time this week to help me...again(thanks Aralyn). She's giving me the down low on the info I need to decide about making this purchase. I finally get to the point of purchasing and they need my apple ID and password. It's all under Gord's info. I don't know the password. I don't know how to even change this. His email is terminated.
Obviously...I probably just need to talk to an Apple tech support...but guess what.... I've lost all motivation. I'm feeling discouraged. I just want my husband back...everyday I still need him. For so many reasons. I need his support with the kids, the house, the electronics, the finances, making decisions, solving problems, fixing things...loving me, holding me...affirming me....just someone to talk to. Everyday...these little reminders...trigger grief, humility and often frustration.
When Gord was alive I can remember thinking...I really have it all. Gord and I really felt so much satisfaction in our family life. We were so proud. I often felt like all my dreams had come true. We were so content just being together. Yesterday I was chatting with my dad about how my evenings have become challenging again. The kids go to bed...it should be my time. I've built a life in the evening...but it is so unsatisfying...I fall...I slip fast....I become discouraged and sad. I used to have it all...and it all... was shattered!
I think one of the reasons my nights are becoming more difficult is because I'm getting stronger and I'm needing more stimulation. Gord was so stimulating. My dad told me he had never met a couple that chatted as much as Gord and I. Gord and I use to chat for hours in the evening. Not just average chit chat . Gord could make anything fascinating. American Idol...he really didn't care for it, but found a way to make it so interesting for himself. By the time he researched all the judges, the back stories, the history of previous idols, he convinced himself it was interesting. No matter the activity...watching the kids, going for walks, while we were reading, on computers...watching TV. There was always conversation. OMG....TV, reading and computers are so not stimulating now, especially American Idol. It can't seem to hold my attention. Movies are better...but they have to be highly entertaining or thought provoking. I've decided to try and take up guitar lessons again. I think it might be good to be more constructive with my time. I need to curb the loneliness, I need to be proactive. I often struggle with motivation in the evenings but I'm hoping if I push myself it could become routine. My councilor thought it was a brilliant idea, she explained to me that playing music is so therapeutic and promotes healing of the brain. She assured me that doing creative, constructive activities really improves brain functioning and would be helpful for brain processes involving memory and thought processing. Sounds good to me!
She also challenged me to consider other creative activities like gardening and cooking. I guess gardening is the most preferred activity in North America, my councilor said that it is also considered to be one of the most therapeutic and healing. Good to know!
I explained to her in my last session that I'm really coming to understand that nothing can fix the pain. The void can't seem to be filled. Again...she challenged my perspective and helped me to see that there is so much that I'm doing that is helpful...there is so much I'm doing that is helping me to heal. She assured me I have done so much healing. She also reminded me that this is all still so fresh... in the grand scheme of things...this just happened!
I felt encouraged. I've come so far...I've claimed my healing... I don't want to be a victim to my circumstances. I want to heal.
I have to be prepared to keep pushing through, I'm not there yet!....It's so hard, everyday...I feel so deprived. Like I'm starving....for my husband. But I am mending my heart...and I'm leaning how to be two parents, how to live with the grief, how to be alone. In one of my first blogs I wrote that...." Life is worth living, even with the pain."
This is still true! It helps that I have hope to be healed. It helps that I have purpose. It helps that I can use the pain for positive purposes. It helps to believe that there is always a greater good!
I had a great chat with a friend tonight. She reminded me of all that I have going for me. I remembered that my little family really has the odds stacked against us to succeed. Our circumstances could be so much worse. There are so many young widows that are not set up financially, I could have been forced to go back to work right away, put my kids in full time day care when their worlds had already just exploded. I'm educated, resourceful and healthy. I have family support plus I have amazing support in Hinton. I can afford a nanny which has provided me the ability to self care and start healing now. Many young widows have to set aside their grief to put all their energies into their family and work I am so fortunate.
I felt so encouraged to hear her say that I'm on the right road, I'm healing, and we are all going to be OK...that we can only go up from here. It's OK to be sad...to be frustrated, it's going to happen...the important thing for me to always remember is that we are making the best of this life...we have rich and full lives that will continue to grow and blossom into new dreams. We have not chosen misery...we've chosen life! We have chosen to still see all that we have instead of being miserable for what we don't have. Gord is gone, we had no choice...but that doesn't bring him back and being miserable won't bring him back either. Life is going to continue to throw curve balls and remind me that I have to do this on my own. I can either accept it or resent it. I'm certain that accepting this change will help me and my family to thrive.
Gord was always challenging me towards independence in all aspects of my life. The great thing about marriage...is you get to depend on each other. At least that is what I use to think. I think I had to lose Gord to finally understand what he was trying to teach me.
The more skills you acquire, the more you can are capable of, the more you challenge yourself to cope with your own problems...the more you can take ownership and responsibility for your own life; the more empowered you will be.... if you have to do it on your own. When my friend came over to fix my drawer...this time I asked her to teach me everything she could about what she was doing...so that perhaps, next time something breaks I can think....I have an idea of what to do. I think I often still get stuck in thinking that I need Gord to survive. However...it has been over 7 months since he has been here and well...I'm still alive. Alive and well! It seems that I have been solving all my problems.....sometimes with the help of others...but without Gord. It doesn't change the fact that there is a part of me that may always wish he was here...but now I know for the past 7 months I have been doing this on my own, I guess now I know that I can do this...all on my own! When I am faced with this new role...one I didn't sign up for...I feel tempted to feel resentful, miserable...but I know, being miserable will not serve me or my children. I need to accept my new role!
I'm moving forward...from two to one!
Amazing...I started this blog feeling discouraged...somehow I'm now feeling inspired. Awesome!
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