Breaking point?

Is life picking on me? Have I somehow done something to deserve this seemingly endless suffering? What's my little families breaking point?  At what point do we lose hope, become bitter....stop fighting and just accept that life might in fact ....just suck?  I've had moments where all these thoughts have trickled into my mind. I have felt apathetic. I have had the thoughts that maybe I'll just accept I'm doomed to a hard life and give up on wanting more.

For 11 months I've been telling myself... When I get past this episode it will get better. In the spring I was faced with many first special occasions it seemed almost weekly, I remember thinking if I can just get to July 7th, maybe I can relax a little and try to enjoy my summer with my boys. July 13th Danny broke his arm. As the end of August approached, I told myself I have so much behind me. I looked forward to settling into routine, predictability, potty training Noah... Danny taking piano lessons and skating.... his first day of grade 1.

August 31st Danny refractured his arm. It was a more complicated break, he needed surgery...recovery is longer.

Crisis after crisis... It seems like I barely have time to catch my breath.

This crisis was different. I had a new skill set to try. In a previous counselling session I had decided  I no longer wanted to melt down in every crisis or large mishap. It was embarrassing, unproductive, and the intense emotional response was leaving me further depleted, needing more time to recover.

I wanted to be stronger, I wanted to respond differently.

She had me analyze my response and helped me to realize that I in fact was fully aware of my emotions and thoughts and therefore I could choose to react differently.

My initial response was to think... I can't handle this, I can't bare more stress. I would overwhelm myself with possible what if scenarios. I would imagine the worse. I would feel like life is unfair and hard on me.

None of this is helpful!

 First she challenged me to change my world view. I was believing that because I endured a tragedy that life should be easy on me. That somehow I should be immune to trials and further suffering. Wrong!!!!!

Life will continue to present challenges, trials and suffering regardless of what I already suffered. I will be stronger to handle bumps if I'm expecting them as opposed to becoming more and more frustrated and overwhelmed by every bump.

Secondly, instead of imaging the worst I realized that I can cope with any problem the same way I coped with the  abrupt loss of my husband. One day at a time, one step at a time. I need to believe I can cope...that I am strong enough to bare stress.

When Danny broke his arm the second time I remained calm. I quickly called neighbors to pick up Noah. As I continued to be faced with stress and disappointing news I remained calm and believed... We will get through this....one day at a time, one step at a time. We can handle this, we can bare this and we will get through this.

The whole experience lasted 5 days. I did it! I kept my focus on staying calm to best support Danny through this time. Through hours and hours of waiting, watching |Danny go through painful x rays, needles, hunger, surgery, post surgery.  I was able to stay strong for Danny. I never fell apart or became overwhelmed. It was empowering to see I had the ability to maintain emotional control under stress.

At the end of it all, after surgery was done and we got through the first intense day of recovery... I felt myself really relax and discovered that five days of sleep deprivation, care giving and remaining emotionally composed was going to leave me feeling weak and depleted.

It was discouraging to feel so weak and helpless, I  caught myself having  self defeating thoughts and tempted towards feelings of despair and self pity....but instead I told myself to be patient and I reminded myself that I will recover and strength will return again. I again stepped past the negative thinking, gave myself permission to be tired and weak and allowed myself the time to rest and recover.

It was unbearable to watch my son over and over have to bare excruciating  pain. It took so much strength to not become lost in his pain, to not become overwhelmed...

But I have learned that remaining calm and strong is the best way to help my son cope with pain... To help him believe...he can handle it.  It was the best way to solve problems and be able to make rational decisions.

Together we survived another crisis. I  was again inspired by Danny's true strength and willingness to adapt. Already his recovery is mind blowing.   I know the next few months will present many challenges. The true test is whether or not we can stay positive and remain hopeful and grateful as opposed to falling into self defeating thoughts, discouragement, self pity and disappointment.

There are parts of me that wonder if we really can cope with all of this suffering and struggle. There are parts of me that wonder if Danny will be disadvantaged with all this loss...all this pain and suffering. He had to miss the first week of school, will only have use of one arm...he will be losing out on so many activities...while already enduring the loss of his dad.

There is a greater part of me that knows my boys are not disadvantaged but rather have been given rare trials...that in the end will give them a greater strength, a greater depth...a greater understanding of how to cope and be resilient when faced with loss. Danny is learning how to still have a good life despite his losses. I won't let him give up on happiness.

So...is life picking on me and my family?Maybe! But it doesn't matter...what's more important is how we will cope with it, what we will learn from it and how we will overcome it. My breaking point... is up to me. It's my choice how I will think, how I will respond. Life will continue to present challenges. I know sometimes challenges will undermine me, make me weak, and over extend me...but I can just remain calm and after the storm... take time to rest, heal and recover.

I miss Gord so much right now. I miss his support and encouragement at a time where responsibilities are so demanding. I miss having his loving nature that brought our family so much peace and security. Marriage can be so enjoyable when life is good but it is also so sustaining in times of struggle.

Despite this intensive week I was so well supported with family. My dad was with us through many times in the hospital, helping me with Danny, helping me make decisions and allowing me to have time to take care of myself, while both my mom and Gord's mom took turns taking care of Noah. It was another bump in the road but I am so grateful we didn't have to travel it alone. I am so grateful for all the love, support and prayers.

God never promised life would be easy...he just promised we would never have to bare it all on our own.