Circle of Compassion

I'm still saying good bye, I'm still slowly letting go....accepting that Gord is no longer here. I still catch myself in disbelief. There are moments where I still feel shocked that this really happened. Sometimes I am still digesting reality. Sometimes it still hits me the hardest when I see my story through the eyes of others. People show compassion and express how hard it is... still... to believe this has happened, that they feel so sad that this has happened to my family and I begin to realize again, that losing Gord is such a great loss. I see how well loved he is and it fills me with gratitude to see others share in my suffering.

Last week I heard devastating news that a good friend of Gord's, an ex coworker in his mid 30's is suffering from terminal cancer. He has a toddler boy and a wife. My heart sunk. I felt this incredible deep sadness for the family. This man is showing so much courage, humility and strength. I can't for a second imagine what it would be like to grapple with facing your own mortality. I thought about all the trials ahead for this family, I shared whatever possible wisdom I could with this person and this family.  I told him that so many people  care and are praying for him and his family. I reassured him that I believe the greatest support, the most effective , helpful support I received through out this entire process is prayer. Everyday I continue to see how God continues to work in our lives and I know it is because we are still showered with prayer.

It takes an incredible amount of courage, faith and hope to endure tragedies, to rise above the suffering, to use the suffering. This is the greatest wisdom I can give, the greatest gift I have received in the midst of surviving great suffering is to use it! This deep suffering carries a deep inner strength that is beyond our comprehension and beyond logic.

I've also learned to try and figure out what is really important. How do you really want to spend your time?, your energy. We only get one life and the only guarantee we have is the moment. What are the greatest gifts in each moment?

I've realized that when you lose someone, you get to discover how deeply you can really love. I thought Gord was amazing when he was alive but I believe he may have had even a stronger impact now that he is gone. I've come to appreciate that Gord's work, Gord's life continues to bless others, bless my family, bless the world that he touched. He lives in so many of us.

This " passing on" that happens, that is so inevitable, that is entirely out of our control, that is so natural.... is so hard on those left behind. So many fear it, including myself. It doesn't always make sense to me why it has to be so hard. Why is love so hard?

These attachments and bonds we form through out our lives give us that warm,safe feeling. We all yearn for it, we all need it. When it's not present we can feel as though we have lost it...but the truth is...the bonds we form last forever whether people are present or not. In some ways when they are absent...the bond grows stronger.

My last piece of wisdom is to hold onto hope. In the depths of sorrow; persevere in the hopes that somehow.. even when there is a great loss, trust that someday, there will be a possibility this loss will be used for a greater good.

Perhaps the greatest gift in tragedy...is that it can bring a person to have deeper compassion for others.

Bounce Back!

Stress...is like a horrible disease that robs of you of sleep...can cause you to under eat, over eat. It undermines your strength, reduces your immune system  It can cause head aches, back aches and nausea. Stress is awful.

The nasty cycle. Once I am under fed, under rested, feeling sick and sore...my  mind starts. It can spin, it can become negative...emotions rise. My brain stops functioning properly and emotions can change on a dime. I make silly mistakes and do and say things out of character...that in turn cause more stress. My cravings rise and will power fades along with the exhaustion. Next thing I know I've eaten nachos, drank wine and when I'm still not satisfied I've retired to ice cream.  I wonder what's wrong with me the next day when I feel awful.

I'm learning...slowly...how to break the cycle.

Yesterday...I hit a wall. I had been struggling with stress for too long. I became exhausted and overwhelmed. Stress often translates into grief. I miss Gord the most when life gets too hard.

Yesterday after I wrote my blog...I retired to the cool basement with my boys and settled in to watch the LEGO movie. Ahhh!!!, within minutes I was out...napping. After the movie I had regained some energy. I knew it was time to refill the tank.

Two things I 've learned to overcome stress: ...reduce stress and add as much goodness to my life as possible....without resorting to vices that add to stress.

I've come to understand that resilience is a choice. I have to choose to bounce back. I have to climb out from under that nasty cycle and find a way to that place where I function on a normal level. I spent a couple of hours at the splash park with my boys. Sunshine, their smiles, reading and relaxation began to restore my spirit. I came home  to the nanny and took myself out for supper. If I can't date my husband, I might as well date myself. Luckily; a friend was available at 6 pm on Saturday evening and indulged me for a 2 hour conversation over the phone, while I enjoyed myself on a patio at a restaurant. I finished my evening with a stroll through the boardwalk and  then finished the night watching a silly romantic comedy and balled my eyes out. Great Saturday Night!

Today I woke up with a change in attitude. A part of me accepted that as hard as it may seem at times to face this world without Gord, I can in fact; still face it. And although it was easier to make big decisions with Gord, I can still make decisions and cope with the outcomes as they arise. Gord use to say to me often, " It is always better to make any decision, then to not make a decision at all."

I have expressed so often that  I miss how Gord grounded me. He somehow would pull me out of my emotions and show me the big picture, the whole picture. He would help me to be objective. This morning I used my mind to imagine, " What would Gord say?" To be honest my mind was too busy to really hear anything, but I applied his principles of trying to be objective and trying to look at the whole picture. It helped, my mind began to calm...I got some perspective and I made some decisions.

 Just making decisions brought relief, then I filled my day with the things in life that fill me, that bring me joy, the confirm the hope I believe in.

I feel like I overcame another obstacle, like I have found more understanding, peace and acceptance.

This life without my Gord, without my husband... is the hardest trial I have ever faced. But it is still a life. I'm still alive. I can either be crushed and crippled by this tragedy or I can grow, learn and find satisfaction in all that life still has to offer. It was beautiful day today. I was in the company of good friends while my boys were covered in smiles and laughter. The sun was shinning...and there was a few times we caught our selves sighing and saying to each other, " It's a good life!"

This loss will always be apart of my story... Gord will always occupy a part of my soul. A part of me will always miss him, but I'm coming to realize that it's not a matter of  trying to understand why this tragedy happened...but rather what I am going to learn from it and how am I going to choose...to live with it.

Still Healing, Still Persevering...Still Holding onto Faith and Hope

I'm so tired, exhausted. I feel weak and I ache...everywhere. I keep thinking I'm getting sick..but I'm not...I'm tired and I'm sad. I'm making so many efforts to break through the sadness....but it's as if my body won't let me. I feel like I just want to wrap myself in a blanket, hold my boys and watch movies. I feel as if I'm sick...

I keep telling myself...try to be grateful, try to find the good, try to stay positive...but I'm in a fog, a haze..., I feel numb...it's not working. I'm tired of planning occasions without Gord, I'm tired of having to make life decisions without Gord, I'm tired of facing problems without Gord. I'm tired of trying to be strong for my boys when all I really want to do is cry.

Today Danny passed his swimming lessons, I told him I was proud of him and that his dad would be proud. He is having kindergarten graduation this week. I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I'm tired of facing it all without Gord.

I'm so tired...

I'm telling myself to breathe, to be patient. I know this will pass, I know in a couple of days, maybe even tomorrow, maybe even this afternoon, I will find my energy again, I will find my resolve, I will be the confident, strong person I want to be. I still believe misery is a road I want to avoid. I still believe that my happiness, contentment and satisfaction is going to be the pillar and model for my boys.I still believe we all have the potential to still  live an enriched life. I still believe we can make the best of this life.  I still believe that we can be resilient and thrive. I have to keep fighting, I have to believe that this will get easier, that I will continue to heal, continue to grow, continue to become stronger.

It's hard to slow down...sometimes I wonder if that is all that it is. That my body needs me to slow down...needs to process, regroup...self care.

Sometimes living is merely that...surviving. I need to accept that I may not thrive all the time. Sometimes I think I just need to repair, mend and heal.

Today, for me.... being strong is accepting that I need to have patience in this healing process and keep faith that I will heal. Keep the faith that God is with me, that many are walking with me, and that this will all one day have a greater meaning, a greater purpose...a greater good.

Our Dad in Heaven!

The anticipation and build up towards fathers day was more painful and challenging then the actual day. I feel like I climbed a massive mountain and I'm left exhausted... I feel relieved to have that behind me and at the same time I lost sleep last night thinking about the occasions ahead. Danny and Gord's birthdays are approaching in three weeks. When  I finally did fall asleep my repetitive dreams were of planning parties. This year is an endless climb...looking for peace and understanding...looking for Gord.

About a week ago I started writing a letter to Gord for Father's Day

Dear Gord,

Gord, you were an amazing father. Your fatherhood, love and devotion towards your boys are the qualities I admired and loved the most. You supported me as a mom and enriched my experience as a parent.

I can remember the day you came home to the news I was pregnant. You displayed a unique mix of emotions. You looked as if you had won the lottery...and in the same breath; like you had seen a ghost. You were going to live the dream of being a dad...but it was all going to be new!

When Danny was born you held him in his first seconds as he greated our world. I witnessed a dramatic transformation in you. I saw an instant deep love come over you. You became a dad.

I am so grateful that you wanted to have such an active role as parent. It began in the pregnancy stages when we read, compared and analyzed 3 different baby books. The best part was when Danny arrived we realized that all our plans needed adjustment. From that day forward we used our knowledge up against the reality of having a baby and the daily struggles as a parent and reinvented our own style. You courageously took on any role with the babies. In the first weeks of Danny's life, in the middle of the night you would visit me while I nursed up to 45 minutes with the book" What to Expect in the First Year" between your fingers. You would change him ,walk him, rock him, sing to him. However Danny was our easy baby.

When Noah came along there was a new confidence about you. You were experienced now...all the awkwardness of being a new dad was gone. Noah was our " challenging baby." He thought sleeping all day and being up all night was good plan. We averaged 3 hours of sleep each for the first month. I remembered I would nurse him and then you would walk him until he needed another nursing. We switched off every hour for a month...but you still had to work. You are my hero!

As the years continued you maintained your involvement. Around the dinner table you would ask for the latest updates in your boys developments, firsts and challenges. You were apart of all the decisions from bottle feedings, to crying through the night and potty training. Parenting with you was a joy, being a team made parenting more rewarding.

I love that your boys always captured your heart, peaked your interest and consumed your heart.

They still know it and remember how much you loved them. They remember all the ways you were present to them, all the ways you took interest in them and all the ways you cared for them.

Danny often talks about how much he misses playing video games with you. I had no idea it was such a bonding activity.He misses skiing with you, biking with you, swimming with you, reading with you, sharing all his successes and all the things he loves with you. He is so much like you. He is kind, gentle and friendly. He is bright and loves to be active, loves to have fun. He loves star wars and super heroes. He wishes he could share all this with you...and so do I.

Noah wasn't able to hang onto the same amount memories as Danny has been. However; I remind him everyday how much you loved him. Noah has your enthusiasm and a laid back nature that reminds me so much of you. He thinks he is either Sonic the hedgehog or the The Hulk most of time but every once in a while he calls himself Noah.

I'm so thankful for all the sacrifices you  made and the way you supported me. Thank you for listening to me about nursing, bottles, soothers, temper tantrums, diapers, potty training, colds, flus, highs, lows and compete confusion. Thank you for giving me breaks, taking to boys so I could clean the house, buying medicine in the middle of the night, getting up with Noah at night, challenging me to be tough when I needed to be and reminding to be soft when I was losing patience. You helped me to be a better parent.

You had a very special connection with both of your boys. I thank you for all the ways you loved them...all the time you spent with them. In the end, your love is what matters most to them. We appreciate all you ever did for us but mostly we just are so grateful you loved us so well.

We had  a memorable Fathers Day, spending time with family, enjoying all the fathers in our lives and remembering you. As well we took in one your favorite family activities at the water park. It was another day where both joy and sorrow exist at the same time.  Within minutes of the boys playing in the dolphin pool, I began to cry, They were so happy...and I was so happy for them but I missed you so much at the same time. It is the oddest combination of emotion. I had spent two weeks wondering how we would get through Fathers Day without you, and my boys were the happiest I had seen them in a long time. I just wanted to share this joy with you. They are so brave! Noah was fearless in the spray park, on the water slides and in the wave pool. Mike took Danny on a zip line. It was a little beyond my comfort...but they both loved it. I told Danny you would of thought that was so cool. Danny responded,`` Dad was there right beside me, on his own zip line, you couldn`t see him because he was invisible...but I knew he was there, and he loved it!``

Danny on a zip line with his grandpa Kinsella, Uncle Mike, and cousin Emily.





Gord, you remain to be woven into a deep part of our fabric, into a deep part of our beings. We continue to adapt to the change in our relationship. We are still finding ourselves holding onto to wanting to share our human experience with you...but it seems like in our moments when we finally let go, when we embrace the joy that is still to be found...that we feel the closest to you. I know you are still so close to us. I know you continue to parent your boys from a far and support me ways that I may never fully understand.

Thank you, We love you! Happy Father's Day!


I also want to thank all the people that continue to support us and help us through this time. I thank all the men in my life that love my boys including my brothers, my dad, my father in law, my brothers in law and many other men that continue to be positive role models for my boys. No one will ever replace Gord but it helps to know that we are so well loved! Thank you especially to my dad for also always guiding me, loving me and supporting me. You have played such instrumental role in shaping me and helping me become the person and parent I am today. I love you!

Overcoming Dreaded Weekends!

This dark cloud continues to follow us. We are finding ways to make the positive weigh out the negative. Life is getting better...but somehow it hurts more. The pain has been intensifying...escalating. Danny is especially facing more intense emotion. The past week or so in my down time I would often experience feelings of deep sadness, emotional pain...my heart ached...sometimes my whole body would ache. Followed by these feelings I would experience guilt, I felt mom guilt. Often when I get out, I can completely leave the pain behind. It is my relief! I feel guilty because my down time is when I am at home...with my boys. I want to be strong for my boys....but lately...sometimes I just cry.

For Danny; lately it has been when we are enjoying life...that he falls apart. It is in our happiest moments that he misses his dad the most. We went to the bike park on Saturday morning. We were the only ones there...the boys loved running over all the obstacles, experimenting with the teeter totters. I also enjoyed watching them embrace their active morning. I found myself getting lost in nature,   basking in the sunshine and taking in all the sounds and beauty of nature. At one point in the morning, a few teen boys were hitting jumps in the park, Danny and Noah were in awe of the spectacle. 

Later in the morning Danny  became emotional, he started crying...through his tears he expressed how much his dad would of loved being at the bike park with us, how he would loved riding his bike and liked watching the teens take jumps. 

He was right! Gord would of loved it and although we were having fun...it wasn't the same without him.

We went home that afternoon, we held each other and we both cried....together. I felt like staying home for the rest of the day. I could of climbed into bed, hid under the warm covers and just laid there.

I'm living with the pain!

But I had plans. At 3 I met a friend at the driving range. All my pain fell away. I was so grateful for this break!



The Wednesday prior,  I started dreading the upcoming weekend. I had no plans. This is such a tough cycle. I was struggling with getting off the couch, never mind reaching out and creating a good weekend....But I know it's my only relief, I know it's the only way that my boys and I have any chance of creating new memories, creating happiness. If we stay home and stay miserable...that is all we will ever be.

I hit walls, obstacles.  I call people, text people...send messages. People are busy. Most people already have plans or out of town.  It's difficult always being the person reaching out. So....I made a decision. I decided I was going to start living...with or without other people joining me. 


My guitar teacher suggested I check out "Open mike" at the Old Grind on Friday night. I told a couple of friends I was going; hoping they would join. Without firm plans with anyone...I went by myself. I found someone I knew, they offered for me to join their table. Within a short time one of my friends was able to come. It was an awesome night, I ran into so many people I knew. The music was great...there was such a great vibe. I connected with so many people.

On Saturday, after the driving range I had no plans for supper...but I did have a sitter. I decided to take myself out for dinner. I also decided to try a couple of  friends to see if they were available to join me, but I was going...with or without friends. To my surprise, a friend of mine with 4 little ones spontaneously replied she could meet me with in 15 minutes. It was sweet!

On Sunday I was offered to tag along with another family to do a hike. In the morning I reevaluated and decided that a hike with a 3 and 6 year old as a single mom could be more of a challenge then I was willing to take on. I passed on the offer and decided to head to Jasper just the 3 of us. 

Before Gord died I would of stayed home as opposed to doing activities without someone to socialize with. Now...I've changed! Life will pass us by if I'm always depending on others. The boys and I  had an amazing day together! We enjoyed each other, we bonded. Surprisingly...I didn't experience feelings of loneliness. I didn't feel desperate to find adult interactions. I think I filled my social tank Friday and Saturday. I relished in my down time and savored the time with my boys. Both Danny and I experienced waves of grief through out the day. The day really resembled a typical Sunday we would of shared with Gord. 

But it was fun! It is better to enjoy life...with the pain, then to just have the pain.

I recently read that the only person that can be responsible for coping with loneliness is the person suffering from loneliness. It is my problem...and I am the only one who can solve it. It's unfortunate that it means I have to put myself out there over and over to try and create a life that provides companionship and socializing...or fill my time with activities that bring positive feelings to my life. But it is working and feeling self pity is not helpful...so instead I'm just going to keep living, keep getting out. I am going to persevere and continue to rebuild my life...

As challenging and painful this weekend was at times, in the end I felt like I had a rewarding and satisfying weekend. I think the most important lesson I learned this weekend...is that if I put myself out there enough I will find all the companionship and socializing that I need. As well, I was able to spend an entire day, just the 3 of us...and not feel lonely. With all this knowledge there is no reason to dread weekends. I can solve my own problems. I can create my own happiness...with a little help from my friends!

Rain Drops keep Falling

In the early weeks after Gord's death I found myself numerous times in my doctors office. He wanted to keep a close watch on me. Everyday was so odd, so unpredictable...even  just within days after Gord died I can remember having good days. That was more confusing then the bad. But no matter what type of day I was having I felt drugged. I remember my heart racing at random...sometimes for hours. Sometimes I would feel so overwhelmed by emotion, other times numb and other times I would feel high, euphoric. I so desperately wanted to understand what was happening to me, to my body, to my soul. I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted the ability to anticipate my mood. I can remember the doctor informing me that this type of traumatic loss effects everyone in a unique way. He said to expect good days, bad days, good weeks, bad weeks, good months, bad months. He said the key...is to not get stuck in the grief. So far, so good...I have managed to avoid being "stuck."

This week, unfortunately is turning out to be one of those bad weeks. Today I am weepy, as far as I can tell, life is not triggering this mood. I've been pushing through since Sunday. I have a heaviness, I feel tired, lack of motivation. I have things in my day to keep me interested, to keep me going. But the truth is, I don't feel like doing anything.

Raindrops keep falling. I gaze out the window and I find myself feeling connected to the weather... to nature. Everything is grey, foggy, misty. Nothing is moving, everything is still...there is a chill. I enjoy the green blooming everywhere, it is becoming full and bright. I want to just stare. As I sit in my living room, tears slowly drip down...I feel like I could sit like this all day, like the tears could fall all day.

Danny is sad often these days too.Father's Day is approaching. They have been talking about Father's Day in Danny's class since May. Since May, there has been many days where he comes through the door and begins to cry about missing his dad. He will tell me that they talked about Fathers Day...

On the first of June, on the way to school I thought I would help Danny try to cope with the anticipation of what June is bringing. I reminded him Father's Day is approaching. He responded, "How do we celebrate Father's day with out dad?"

I reminded Danny that he still has a dad and always will. I recapped that his dad is always with him in his thoughts and and in his heart and that he is always watching him and always loves him. I told him that I understand it's not the same as him being here with us. I asked him if he knew any other good dads in his life. He quickly listed all his grandpas, uncles and even other friends fathers. I suggested we could make cards this year for our dad in heaven also for any other great father like figures he knows and loves. I told him we will celebrate your father Gord and as well, other fathers too.  A smile lit up across his face...Yesterday he came home from school and excitedly came through the door and enthusiastically exclaimed that he made a tie for his grandpa for Father's day. There was no sorrow to follow.

I felt relief. We are going to get through this month.

Last night I had reoccurring dreams. This has happened occasionally through out this grieving process. Last night all my dreams were about Danny. He was usually far away. I can remember one vividly, I was at the top of a cliff. The land was dry, dessert like. It was hot.  I could barely see Danny. There were dangers...I wanted to warn him. I don't remember what the dangers were...but he was out in nature by himself. I tried yelling...he couldn't hear. I felt so helpless. I just wanted to save him and protect him. I had a similar dream like this over and over and over all night.

Reflecting on these ideas, I can see now why my spirit is unsettled, feeling lost...feeling sad, full of sorrow. My heart has always broken for my boys loss, this month is gripping me. I can't quite put it all together yet.

I also think my dreams are perhaps a representation of how I felt when Gord had his heart attack. There was nothing I could do....but I would've done anything, I wish there was something I could have done....to save him. There are so many stories....where people get a second chance, I wish Gord could have been one of those stories.

We are planning to be with family for Father's Day. I know this will somehow make the day special. We can remember him, share stories about Gord...breathe him back into being and then the loss... begins to fade away...we can remember how he touched our lives and we can acknowledge that somehow he continues to still enrich our lives everyday.

Final Destination

This is my 100th blog post. Since January I've written  and published 100 blogs. Starting this blog has been a real adventure and leaning curve. It's pretty wild that I've been purging my emotions and posting it online. It has been such a positive outlet for me. I'm so grateful to all my followers, I don't know who you all are but I know there are many and I truly appreciate the support. The loneliness continues to be my greatest struggle. I wonder if it will ever pass, if I will ever just be content. Sharing this blog and just knowing people read it, somehow really fills a void for me. It makes me believe that somehow others are walking with me, perhaps understanding me and maybe even relating to me. Sharing the pain and struggles of this journey in writing has been my bond to hope. There are still many days where my mind spins...I'm looking for answers, solutions, peace and acceptance. I find it....my mind somehow organizes, simplifies and answers, understandings appear. Sometimes I am faced with doubt, insecurity and anxiety in sharing my blog. As my mind continues to become more centered with reality, and begins to find the straight lines I sometimes realize that I have revealed so much of my heart, so much of my life.

However, I continue to have people encourage me to continue sharing. So I will. My goal is to share the hope that I find so that others may continue to find hope in their struggles too.




It is also been 8 months today since Gord passed. I finally found my way back to my old stomping ground this weekend. It had been since before September that I had been to St.Albert. I really felt like I had finally arrived. I had that feeling when your body relaxes and enjoys the familiarity that it has been yearning  for. I dropped the boys off at Gords brother and sister in law. I was looking forward to a weekend off in the city.

After the weekend at the cabin I was more mentally prepared for strong grief triggers...but they never really came. I did feel the void everywhere I went. I went to 5 different friends and families houses and every time it would cross my mind...Gord should be here with me. But the thought  just came and then drifted away. It is always such an amazing feeling to be surrounded by my closest people, the people who have known me the longest. I feel so supported, loved and encouraged. They tell me how proud they are of me...for pushing forward, trying the make the best of really hard loss. Their love compensates for the loss, for the void.

It was so wonderful to have a weekend off from the kids. I loved being cooked for and eating at high quality restaurants. It felt so good to be taken care of.

I had fun...I enjoyed all my visits, shopping at WEM, and going to dinner theater with a friend. I laughed, I felt carefree ...I felt young again.

My mood dramatically shifted on the drive home. This time music couldn't fill the void...the loneliness, the disappointment...the loss. I really found myself missing Gord. I really wanted to share this awesome weekend with him and wanted talk about it, relive it with him. However, I had no one to talk to, no one to come home too. As we pulled into Hinton Noah began to cry, the closer we came to home to more resistant he became. He repeated with determination, "I don't want to go home." He continued to cry while I unpacked. After 10 minutes of refusing to leave the vehicle, he finally resigned himself...he was home.

It was only minutes of being home that Danny fell apart. He missed his dad. The void was huge, we could all feel it. We went from being surrounded by so much love back to our home where we have gone from 4 to 3. And the void Gord left is huge. All I saw in front of me was two devastated boys, I was exhausted and it felt like all I had to look forward to was responsibility and loneliness.

Some of this reaction is normal. I was sleep deprived. I really made an effort to be responsible on the weekend. I know I have to self care. I know getting enough sleep is the difference between me enjoying my ride home and becoming emotional the whole ride home. After the dinner theater I ended up at my cousins playing poker. I was playing aggressively in hopes to either win quickly or lose and tap out. I knew I had to get to bed. My cousin questioned, " What is the big deal Jen?"  I explained to him that I don't cope as well when I am tired and I still have to be a parent.

If there is any lesson I have learned over the past eight months, it is self care. I have to know and respect my limitations, I have to surround myself with people and activities that help me to stay positive. I even have to manage how much positive activities I have. Rest is key, it is the most important element to me maintaining balance. I worked 3 days one week, I managed but I stopped sleeping well. I wasn't unwinding. Now I know, only two days a week. It's not worth compromising.

Despite the fact that I continue to feel a sense of loss, disappointment, despite the fact that my boys still are lacking luster and we continue to mope through our day, there is still hope to cling to. We still do have a good life in Hinton. There are so many things we enjoy. Taekwondo has ended and so is teaching...but I have started guitar lessons until the end of June. As well I am joining the woman mountain bike club and I've been invited to join a beginner ladies golf league. It sounds like alot but it's only two nights out a week. The summer whether brings so many fun activities for the boys and I. We can so easily be outside and I look forward to days at the splash park and beach. After weekends like this I question living in Hinton, I wonder if  being close to family would curb the loneliness but I know for now...it will follow us. I am doing so much to curb the loneliness and it is helping but there is no cure. There is no bringing back Gord. Some days...that is the all that we want.

I know that the normalcy that Hinton brings is playing a huge role in helping my boys and I to continue to thrive with such a loss. We are so established in the community. I have an amazing support system. Danny has friends he has had since birth. I am established in all the elementary schools. We love all the outdoor activities Hinton and Jasper provides. We love Hinton! I think I should still hold onto all that we have here.

As well I conquered another first. I traveled home. I went to 6 different locations from one end of the city to the other. Typically Gord would of done all the driving. In the past I would've been anxious to have to go to unfamiliar destinations. I wasn't confident to get to any of these locations but that did not deter me. I wanted to. I did it! It wasn't all seamless but I was expecting challenges. I stayed calm, I 've had to cope with much worse. It was so worth it. I had a spectacular weekend! I am now stronger than I was before. This  makes me feel empowered...this brings me hope. I officially feel like I have my life back! I have resumed all regular activity, I am engaged in all previous relationships and get out everyday. I have conquered another first...going home to St.Albert/Edmonton.

Other than getting through holidays, going home was the last major first I had left to conquer. I know there will be many more firsts without Gord but this was the last first on my to do list.