If I could tell him anything...I would say Thank-you!

This morning I entered the kitchen and it was still clean...

There is young widows bulletin board site I sometimes check out. More often than not it is plagued with posts of people that are not coping and are miserable. I feel so much compassion for these widows but I'm looking for something more positive and inspirational. About a month ago I did find a positive post from a widow who had lost her husband 6 months prior. She talked about how she loved herself again was loving her life. She came to appreciate her single life. I pondered, " Will I ever feel like that?"

She went on to talk about how she loved being able to do what she wanted when she wanted. She could buy whatever she wanted without checking in with anyone. Her house stayed cleaner, there was less laundry and food went further.

Here I am a month later and I do relate to much of her post. I do feel like I appreciate myself and my life more. I'm enjoying all these passions that are coming to life and I do feel a sense of pride for all I have overcome and all that I'm able to do.  I still have yet to appreciate the joys of single life.

 Gord had an amazing mind. But with every gift comes a weakness. For those who knew Gord well, especially those who worked with him you will also know him as the disorganized engineer. I always told myself that his inability to organize or often lack of focus was because his brain was so busy doing other things. It wasn't uncommon to find bananas with the pots and pans or a shirt in diaper garbage. Gord's mind simply.... was just somewhere else. I imagine his mind was probably trying to figure out how he would rescue the mine from an issue that wasn't going to happen for another year.

As a house wife with two little children this weakness took a tole on my patience. I believe I was fairly good with Gord , but in times of exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed I became impatient.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because today I would give anything to wake up to a messy kitchen. I wish I had spent more time appreciating what Gord was capable of instead of wanting more. He did so much. He helped with the kids. He carried Noah everywhere. He changed his diaper in the evenings and put him to bed every night. He helped with dishes, often did the groceries. He gave us his time...every night and every weekend. He paid the bills and assumed responsibility for all the finances. I could count on him to answer the phone at work when I needed an ear. He gassed up the vehicles, had oil changes done, filled up the windshield fluid, did the recycling, took out the garbage.  He shoveled the driveway, mowed the lawn. When my back was sore he would vacuum the house and assist with other household chores. Also I don't think I took the time to appreciate he got up at 5 am 5 days a week and worked his heart out so we could enjoy a comfortable life.  If I could talk to him now I would say....thank-you. I would tell him what an amazing man he was and that I am so grateful for all the ways he supported us and took care of  us. I would apologize for all the times I made him feel like he wasn't good enough. I'm balling right now as I type this.

For those wives out there I have a favor to ask. Please take a moment and appreciate all the ways your husband supports you. It's probably not just how you would like, but I imagine if he is anything like most men I know in my life, he is doing his best.

I am proud of all the ways I am succeeding at being a single mom, but I'm not ready to say I'm having fun doing it. I loved having someone to share the load with, to share the good times with and depend on in the bad times. I think I will always be of the group that believes two is better than one.

I'm getting my life back

In the early days of Gord's death I found myself crumbling with the all the changes happening around me. I went to friends for help but they were feeling ill equipped to help and a friend suggested perhaps I should try a mental health specialist. However, I had been told that a person should wait at least 6 weeks before they could enter grief therapy because the symptoms are so acute.

But it was all falling apart around me and I needed support... so I took her advice. The mental health councilor did tell me she would not be engaging therapy for many weeks but rather just help guide me towards more healthy living and choices. One idea that she continued to try and drill into my head was that I would never be the same and I could never go back to the life I had before when Gord was alive.

This was devastating news for me. Not only did I lose my husband but I lost my life; the way I knew it to be and myself......

I liked my life before Gord died and I liked who I was. I had a difficult time accepting this reality.

As the days and weeks continued I began to see to my councilors statement was true. I will never be the same and my life will be forever changed.

For those who have followed me on this journey it's fairly evident that I am quite different than I was 5 months ago. I blog, I'm a single parent, I rest every day. I enjoy my solitude! But I am still in fact me, now I'm just more developed, mature...evolved. I can look back and realize that when life is good we can coast. When life is hard we can grow.

The past few days I feel like I'm getting parts of my old life back. First of all, my kids are doing so awesome and they are such an inspiration to me. They are so real and so present. Today Danny was asking the nanny if she ever met Gord. She replied she often saw him at church. Danny said, " You would've liked him , he's a really great guy, everybody liked him."

Both Danny and Noah are happy, thriving boys. There is no way 2 months ago anyone could have convinced me that my boys would be doing this well. They seem to me to be as well adjusted now as they were before Gord's death. Amazing!

Seeing them thrive is giving me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and back into the world. Tomorrow I start volunteering in Danny's class one morning a week and I'm putting my name back on the sub list for teaching. I am so looking forward to getting back into the classroom. I always loved the change in pace, having all my focus somewhere else for the day. I also really enjoy working with kids. They bring so much joy. Initially I was just going to stick with the volunteering for about a month but my councilor encouraged me that I was ready for more. It definitely felt like a victory to hear her say that. I'm getting stronger, I'm getting my life back.

My councilor has been impressed with my progress. She explained to me inner strength isn't something that appeared as soon as Gord died, it was built before he died. I am strong now because I was strong before. I attribute this strength in large part to Gord. He made the boys and I strong because he loved us well.  He taught me how to manage my emotions, he taught me how to problem solve and make good decisions. He gave me confidence. I also give credit to God, I did my part but the rest is grace!

I can see it now and I believe it now. I still have a good life and my boys and I will continue to have a good life. The future is no longer daunting, it's exciting! We have a new joy because we have learned what is truly important in life and we have many of those things. We are surrounded by so many people who love us and continue to reach out and show up in so many different ways. We feel loved! We have a beautiful home filled with many things that bring us joy. We live in a safe place that offers great education and health care. We can work, we can play, we can laugh, we can live, We can love!

I'm getting my life back and I'm in anticipation and excitement for what the future holds.

Under Construction

I have some friends and family that are building new homes. I can look at their challenges and somewhat relate. When Gord died it was like my home burned to the ground. Initially I had no sense of how to rebuild but slowly I started picking up the pieces. In the beginning I had no vision, no goals, no concept of how I would survive. I started building anyways. There were days where I could see no purpose but what choice did I have.

And now I see it coming together. I can see life taking shape and form again. I have dreams, hopes and goals again. Seeing these results is giving me a real hope to continue to persevere.

When my world crumbled, every little stumble felt catastrophic. For the first month I had up to 3 anxiety attacks a day. I was afraid I wasn't going to survive this loss. As I continued on the journey I realized the worst has already happened and if I can cope with that then I should be able to handle life's challenges.

I was at the brink of my threshold for stress and I felt like I wanted the world to stand still just for a while until I found my barrings. Life is forever dynamic! This is a good thing because it means that everything including awful, tragic, catastrophic circumstances will change. Reminds me of Alberta summers, if you don't like the weather...wait 5 minutes. We always adapt!

Observing my growth, I'm starting to relax. I'm starting to believe in life again...in myself again. Although life continues to throw challenges, I'm realizing that I can handle it. Sometimes better than others. I'm losing the need to control my environment and circumstances. This is a reprieve. Attempting to keep everything in perfect order is exhausting. Stress, problems and challenges are going to happen, I'm losing the purpose in trying to avoid it all. In fact, I'm starting to feel like I'm equipped for life challenges instead of feeling like I need to avoid them.

I like finding patterns, planning and strategics but when it comes to life and I'm feeling ready to start letting life unfold and get excited about what the day is going to bring. I'm accepting that life is going to have it bumps, valleys and mountains to climb and I'm starting to feel alive about the adventure. If growth, change and strength is the grace I receive from this experience then challenges are blessings and not a curse.

I believe I will continue to fall, get hurt, feel lost, have feelings of confusion, isolation and loneliness and sometimes feel scared. But I also believe I can handle it, cope with it and most importantly...grow from it.

Life is unfolding in front of me, I'm letting go of the urge to control every detail and trust that life will unfold as it should and that I can manage the challenges ahead one step at a time.

I'm still under construction but I believe that my new home will be new and strong. I think one day I will look back at this whole building process and even this great loss and see that it has brought goodness.

Sunday morning: GOOD GREIF

I feel like I'm starting to move on. I feel like I'm living again, but the memories still follow. I've been told many times losing someone is not something to get over, it is something that you learn to live with. Like a learning disability you learn how to cope, how to manage and how to compensate for the disability. Initially the pain and dramatic change in my life was overwhelming I could barely function. Everyday I have continued living, I've been coping and I've been feeling. What is happening is I'm learning how to live with the pain. Today I'm having a bad day. Sunday's are predictably my hardest days. It is the day I feel Gord``s absence the most. Sunday is our family day! Initially I didn't even have the strength to keep up our family traditions. Church , brunch at Ranchers, followed by Noah and I napping while Gord and Danny played video games. We usually found some fun family activity in the afternoon and chilled out in the evening.

I've regained most of my strength to continue many of these activities....but it's not the same, it's often harder. This morning Danny and I took in the final men`s hockey for the Olympics. Gord loved the Olympics and loved watching hockey. When they won there was an initial excitement with the boys and I. Then quickly followed a huge wave of grief. I could picture Gord's enthusiasm, I could imagine his pride to share it with his sons. It really hurt, but the excitement still continued too. It's bitter sweet.

I'm starting to face the pain instead of avoiding it. All I'm realizing is that the pain of missing Gord will always show up sometimes, often in moments of joy. But the deep sadness and joy somehow exist at the same time. I can imagine I will feel the same way when my kids graduate, succeed at their favorite sport or get married. I will feel that amazing joy for my kids and at the same time I will feel that deep sadness that I can't share with someone who so unconditionally loved us.

Church was hard today as well. I was tired. Exhausted! I had taken Danny to ski lessons on Saturday and there were many stresses that led me another crash. It still takes me a long time to recover from stress. Noah was soooo busy at church. He always is, but of course when exhaustion sets in it's harder. By the end of mass, I was falling apart. Where is my help!

Gord did not only love us, he had a very instrumental role in the family. I`m  carrying it all and sometimes I miss his help.

Everyday I`m being reminded he is not here. It`s hard, but the more I can accept it, the more resilient I will be when it`s hard. Today is a hard day, but that is all that it is. I feel like a cloud of despair has left and all I`m left is moments of sadness and I`m ok with that. The memories will continue to follow my shadow. Danny often says I miss dad because I love him so much. It is that simple!

To me this song is about letting go, it`s about saying good bye.

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera - Say Something

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

I keep looking for you, and am continually reminded you are not here.We love you Gord !, We will always miss you! I trust you are in a safe place full of joy. Thank you for loving me and my boys unconditionally. What a wonderful treasure!

It's a good day! :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVu6eJkTy7

I Will Wait
By Mumford and Sons

Today is a good day. Just because.....I'm alive and the sun is shining.

Sometimes life is so hard and so painful. But when you get to the middle of the pain; what you find is love. So although we all have to walk through the mud sometimes, it is still a beautiful world.

Last summer Mumford and Sons was a favorite for Gord and I. We had the privileged to take in their concert. This was his favorite song. My boys know most of the lyrics and we listen to it all the time, the same we did last summer.

We don't have control over how long we live, whether or not we get sick, whether weather disasters destroy homes,  instability in other countries, war and many other things in life. But we can embrace the moment, embrace life because we have the opportunity to enjoy this world...today.

So turn this up and DANCE!!!!

"Lord you have turned my mourning into dancing....forever I will give you thanks"

Psalm 30:12-13

I Will Wait

By Mumford and Sons

Well, I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down,
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down,
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
Well, you forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down,
Wait for now
I'll kneel down,
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

I'm setting my sails towards joy, peace and love!

The Winds of Fate

By: Ella Wheeler Wilcox

One ship drives east, and another drives west

With the selfsame winds that blow.

'Tis the set of the sails

And not the gales

Which tell us the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate,

As we voyage along through life;

'Tis the set of the soul

That decides the goal,

And not the calm or the strife."

Trying to live in the middle...

Conflicted feelings

Moving on and letting go? Accepting and living reality? I have often meditated on these ideas. Letting go and moving on are phrases one often hears after losing someone dead or alive. Losing someone after a break up can feel like a death too, especially if you don't maintain any connection to them. This situation of course is still different than a break up because I have no unresolved feelings, I have closure but I had no warning or choice.

The shock has been the real element that has challenged me and left me a mess. My councilor compares my brain to a filing cabinet. The second Gord died it was like all the files were tossed out and scattered. And because this experience has undermined my understanding of how the world works I have to make a whole new filing system with all new connections. It is a lot to piece together. So where does this leave me when it comes to letting go of my past and moving forward.

Why? Why do I have to let go? What does it mean to let go? Does it mean I put away all his material things and tuck pictures away in drawers. Does it mean I stop talking about him? Do I take off my rings? I'm thinking.... yes and no. In fact, I've already done many of these things. But I won't stop talking about him nor will I put everything away. My boys especially need to memorialize their dad and so do I. He brought so much goodness to our lives and that is a legacy that needs to stay with us forever.

However, I am beginning to understand the connection we have with Gord is no longer a human connection. The relationship has changed form. His material things do remind us of him but our real connection is still in our hearts. I once read that you know have let go of the person who died when that person only occupies a part of heart. So in reflecting on these ideas I can see, I have been letting go. Slowly...

I find myself living again. I can do activities where hours will pass by and I realize that I was just living in the present. Not remembering the past or trying to figure out my future. It is freeing. I've read that some people worry about others and themselves forgetting about the person. I never worry about that. I know a part of me will always remember. Every person who comes into our lives has purpose. Good or bad every relationship helps us to grow and learn more about ourselves and about life. So I guess in closing I can say I will never forget Gord and I will always appreciate all the goodness he brought to our lives. Someday I will fully accept that my relationship with him is no longer a human connection and that I need to fully live my human experience and let what happened just be and move forward towards what life still has to offer me. For I am still alive!

Regardless of rationalizing all this information I still feel conflicted. A part of me just wants to live now, fully. But I've been warned. It's like an injured athlete or accident victim, I have to heal. If I enter back into the game too quickly I could be re injured. I could have serious set backs. This experience has been debilitating. I have less energy, I do less, I socialize less. I have different responsibilities and different priorities. I actually make plans on how to have less stress and a more simple life. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes simple means less fun and excitement. But for now less drama is a good thing.

It's confusing for me because I used to have no limits on how much I would socialize or keep busy and active.  For my kids I have to keep balance. I'm starting to learn how to live in the middle. Before highs use to be what I lived for, now the highs are some of my hardest moments because it is those moments I miss Gord the most. I want to share my highs with Gord. The lows are even lower because it is those times I used to depend on Gord for support and now I'm on my own. So I'm trying to live in the middle, the present and finding joy in the simple things.

My inspiration for today...for the future

" The happiest people are rarely the richest, or the most beautiful or the most talented. Happy people do not depend on excitement and 'fun' supplied by externals. They enjoy the fundamental, often very simple things in life. They waste no time thinking other pastures are greener, they do not yearn for yesterday or tomorrow. They savor the moment, glad to be alive, enjoying their work, their families, the good things around them. They are adaptable, can bend with the wind, adjust to the changes in their times, enjoy the contests of life, and feel themselves in harmony with the world. Their eyes are turned outward; they are aware, compassionate. They have the capacity for love. "

- Charles R. Swindoll

Book
( Laugh Again, Experience Outrageous Joy)

My Valentine..I will always have a husband in heaven.

I will always have a husband in heaven, sometimes heaven just feels so far away...

It's been a rough month. It has been challenging emotionally and stressful managing with banks, lawyers and relationships. Thankfully my boys are fairly low maintenance and generally happy delightful kids. Most of the time, I think they keep my head above water when it feels like the rest of world is crumbling around me.

Over the past few weeks I've been challenging myself to come up with positive ideas to enjoy Valentines day. I thought maybe if I change my ideology of valentines day it won't be so hard. So I decided to focus on  love, kindness and compassion for others. I also thought we can make it about loving friends and family. It's often counter intuitive to put energy into others but when ever I do, it does lift my spirits. So...the boys and I made some valentines together. So cute! "Mom, what does 'you are so hot' mean?"

Also I've planned a day spending time with a friend, volunteering with Danny's class and then celebrate with the boys having a heart pizza at Boston pizza. That was my plan...

Last Sunday evening I received a call from my cousin Casey. He blurts out," Jenny, will you be my valentine?" He is coming down Friday night, we are going to hang out after the boys go to bed, in the morning we are going hit the slopes on our boards and enjoy the spring weather, followed by dinner at a restaurant in Jasper.

Initially, although I totally appreciate Casey's generous act of love, I felt myself really just wanting Gord. I really want a date with my husband. I'd give anything to have some time with him. I wish I could have that one on one with the person that had my heart. I could tell him anything...anything. I didn't have to filter my thoughts with him. I never felt judged. That doesn't mean he wasn't candid with me. I loved that he was candid with me. In such a loving non superior way. He challenged me. I live on an emotional plane where I perceive the world through emotions and intuition. Gord complimented that part of me by bringing my intuitions the balance of reason and logic. Most of the time, Gord  supported my insights but he brought me grounding and sound reasoning to support my feelings. What I appreciated the most is was that he was so good to remind me of facts that superseded my feelings and more often than not that brought me peace of mind. Gord kept the world at bay for me.

So right now as a navigate through a new world that is full of  unknown challenges and stress I wish I had my husband to guide and protect me.

Something whispered in my soul last night. I was crying...gentle tears of sadness, feeling lonesome for Gord. In a quiet moment I thought I heard him...

"It really is just another day. I am here and I still love you, still guide you and protect you."

In these moments, it's not like in the movies when a lost loved ones speaks or appears. It's so quiet, it leaves you thinking...was that you...or just my thoughts. I can always tell it not's me because it's such a dramatic change in my thinking. Like something is being inserted into my sad mind that brings me comfort and hope.

So this morning I found myself waking feeling excited for Valentines Day. I have so much to accomplish today and it helps to have so much to look forward to. I can't wait to have 2 days where I leave my burdens at home and enjoy life! Tomorrow is just another day, but I have a great excuse to spend quality time with friends and family, and a great gift of bonding on the slopes with my cousin. It's going to be great weekend. I still wish I could just hear his voice or have a comforting hug but I believe he is with me the best way he can be, through LOVE!

" You can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes,
well you might just find,
you get what you need."

- Rolling Stones

My heart breaks for them...

Pain management. Chronic pain. Some days are better than others but there is always emotional pain. Today was a hard day. I felt like I could fall apart anywhere. I found myself crying at Danny's piano lesson. No trigger, just maybe my first quiet moment. All day I kept going through the motions wondering if I was going to hold together.

How do I cope? Today is one of those days where I couldn't distract myself. TV, Facebook, reading, phone calls. Nothing would numb the pain. These are days where I feel tempted to binge on ice cream, chips and wine but I try hard to not go down that road.

Early on in my journey I was overwhelmed with anger at times. The intensity was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. I have 2 kids. I was scared of myself. So I went to Google. Yes, anger is an important and normal emotion in the grief  process. But that doesn't mean I have a ticket to be losing it. The important thing to do is find constructive ways to deal with it. Easier said than done! Many people, like myself feel uncomfortable with expressing anger so I am more prone to be self destructive and take it out on myself. That is right, any type of vice that is self destructive is way of taking anger out on yourself. I also read that the danger of going down that road with any crutch is eventually you have to get rid of it. Also the crutch can delay grief, can corrupt your body and self esteem. Not fun! So as tempting as all these vices are I've been finding more proactive solutions to cope with my anger. Taekwondo was a suggestion, so that worked out great that I already do that. Writing is also quite cathartic. I love listening to music, even songs that make me cry; especially songs that make me cry. Sometimes music feels like a best friend. Friends and family can be awesome to talk to too. But I find the moment I am socializing, I want to spend it socializing, not grieving so most of the time I grieve in private. Usually after 10 pm and at some point in my drenched tears I always find myself thinking... I wish someone was here; here to listen, here to hold me, to console me.

The good news is that my councilor says that although I'm doing this the hard way. ( trying to not be dependent on crutches) and being present to the process, I am in fact healing quickly and I will end up strong and healthy. That is encouraging!

So why does my heart hurt today. Mostly because Danny's heart is broken. And the void I see is so huge and there is no way to fill it. I know because I feel the same way. I can't rescue or save him from this pain. I wish I could. I know both my boys will have to go on their own journey to find peace too. So I just try to support him and help him to build a good life too.

Yesterday we met another family at the pool. They have 6 kids. I'm always so impressed how the dad finds and makes time to give my boys positive attention. After about 1/2 hour Danny returned from the big pool after playing with the dad and the older boys. Danny played by himself. So I suggested the hot tub. Danny was full of sadness. He told me how much his missed Gord. We talked about all the fun times we had at the pool, mostly on Sundays. I asked Danny if he enjoyed playing with the other boys and their dad and he said, " It's not the same, he's not like dad."

So I told him, that no one ever has to be like dad. There is no else like dad and we want to always remember that uniqueness about him and remember that is why we love him so much. But I also explained to him that there are so many other people that love us and want to show that love to us. I told Danny that his friends dad just wants Danny to feel included and thought it would be fun to spend time with another dad. Danny smiled.

Danny went back to the pool and had a blast with the other kids and their dad. But as soon we came back home, he slumped back into his sadness. Oh boy, this is so hard to watch.

So today my heart breaks for my boys knowing that they have to endure the same road as I do. And although I know their journey will be very different then mine. I know the pain is the same.

I'm reading a book right now on helping children to grieve. It talks often about how helpless and powerless a child feels after something like this happens. So...the best thing I can do is make them feel empowered and helpful.

There is a new video game Danny has been asking for. ( Mario 3D world) About a week ago he told he was talking to his dad and asked him if he could get the game and he said yes!  I thought well maybe for Valentines day we could get it. We went to the store on Friday so he could show me which one. Shoot! The game was with a different gaming system. Danny was crushed when I told him that I can't just buy a new system. They are 300 dollars!!!!

Then I read it's a great idea to start a chore chart and give them allowance. It empowers them and makes them feel like they are being helpful. So we set it up and Danny couldn't be more excited. He is going to earn money to buy the game and when his birthday comes in July I told him he could ask for money instead of presents and I will cover the difference so he can get the gaming system. He is counting the weeks. He is motivated. I never dreamed my child would be thanking me for a chore chart. We are going to get through this and we will be better and stronger.

A moment of transformation

Today I had a moment of clarity. For a second the world made sense again. I was driving to Jasper at 9 am to bring Danny to ski lessons. It was my first highway driving in over 4 months. Something changed in me the day Gord died. I lost the confidence to drive on a highway.  I read months later that losing confidence to drive and many other normal things...like being in a public place can feel totally intimidating. It's natures way of slowing a person down after a trauma. Did you know that after a trauma the likely hood of a getting into a car accident goes up by roughly 30%?. Not cool odds. Gord always told me the riskiest thing we ever do everyday is get behind the wheel.

Anyways; that was a bit of side note. I had a moment of clarity.

One of the most challenging aspects of coping with this grief is also coping with life. Life still happens. I keep thinking, "Can't life go easy on me for a bit."

I try as much as I can to make my life as easy as possible with the least amount of possibility of stress. As far as I'm concerned I'm at my threshold for what I can bear with pain and stress. However; I can look back over the past four months and note that I continue to bare the stresses of life. Regardless, I find myself consumed with trying to manage life issues. From raising kids, dealing with finances to relationships, life keeps happening.

Gord was so good at grounding me, helping me to problem solve, to  be objective. Now, everyday I face these issues by myself, with half the confidence and less emotional control. But I am still doing it. And although every problem feels like the end of the world. Today I realized it isn't.

I was overwhelmed by the massiveness and beauty of the mountains. And then I thought about how I am a part of this creation. I thought about how nature is so powerful, adaptable and resilient. I saw it's harmony and it's peace. I looked at nature today and realized that I'm going to be ok. My problems feel enormous right now, but....they aren't. Someday they will be resolved. Meanwhile... I'm ok.

I found myself feeling secure. I've gotten out of bed and lived the past 4 months and I will keep doing that for my kids and I and that gives me security. My boys have showed me love in ways I never experienced before Gord died and that gives me security. I am a capable, intelligent  caring individual and that gives me security. I am learning how to depend on myself and it is empowering, building my confidence and giving me a new sense of security.

I feel loved. I would've never guess that a 2 and 5 year old boys could make me feel so loved. Everyday they do little things that show they love me. On the way to the ski hill today, Danny checked in with me and said, " Mom are you missing dad these days?".....Melt my heart!!!!

So today I caught a glimpse and the grander picture and realized how far I've come, how strong I am and that we really are going to make it through this. I also realized that the world is still a beautiful place and I am filled with love and found my sense of security. Hopefully today was more than just a moment of clarity. I think today was a moment of transformation.

Green Team Hawaii Shirt

Green Team Hawaii Shirt

This green shirt was Gord's number 1 favorite shirt.Last summer is full of memories of Gord wearing this shirt. 

One morning, at the breakfast table two weeks after Gord died, Danny piped up at said enthusiastically, " I love Dad's green Team Hawaii shirt."

Impulsively I responded with," Well Danny, we will find that shirt then, and it can go on your wall or in your closet, and when you are big enough, one day you can wear it."

A grin came over his face.

I looked over at mom and she had a disturbed look on her face, she pulled me aside and said she had been through all of Gord's clothing and didn't recall seeing this memorable shirt. I felt my face turn white, a rush of shock came over me again. I felt obsessive compulsive to find this shirt. I went through my mind other possibilities...maybe in a bag,...in the car....in the tent trailer. Danny lost his dad and he wants that shirt then I have to find it. I was losing my mind...

After an hour of searching....it came to me....Was he wearing it the night of....

For Danny, I went there...I searched my memory...what was he wearing the night he went to cross fit. The night he died right in front of me. Ofcourse, he was wearing his favorite shirt. 

Another devastation, another loss.

Then...it started to occur to us. We have the internet...we have eBay.

My dad was on it. It didn't take long for us to realize our search was hitting a dead end. The shirt was discontinued. But we persisted. No luck.

The next time my brother Mike was in town, he expressed that his favorite shirt of Gords was the team Hawaii shirt and he was wondering if I would consider giving it to him. I shared Danny's story with him. Mike was heart broken. He had a determination about him. He searched and searched online but hit the same dead end we did.

Today, I picked up the mail. There was a package.

Both boys were jumping with tears welling up. Noah said" Gord's shirt, Gord's shirt." They couldn't put in on fast enough. 

Danny said, " I feel Dad, it's like he's really here" 

I felt a big hug when I put it on. It was a celebratory moment. 

And now we will have these shirts and the memories that came with them forever.

I called Mike and asked him how he did it. 

He tried to track down the store in Hawaii, they couldn't find any. He told a story to a friend and she said she knew a way it could be custom made. Mike was on it. It took three weeks to get the design just right.

My gratitude towards Mike is beyond words. 

I was shaking my fist at the sky.

Went on facebook this morning. The first post I saw said it was going to feel like -41 today. WHAT!!!! The second post I saw had a photo attached. It was a view from a balcony looking onto a beautiful quaint town hanging off a rugged coast, surrounded by palm trees. It was Chris Fry's post from Sayulita. The little Mexican town that Chris is soon to marry in. Gord and I were so stoked to have the opportunity to be invited. On October 1, my parents and us had chosen this awesome cabin right on the beach. We were bringing the kids and it was going to be awesome. We were suppose to leave February 5th.

The level of disappointment I'm feeling right now is beyond my own comprehension. I get that life isn't fair, but seriously.... I was shaking my fist towards the sky.

Then I found myself driving to my message appointment. "Gone, Gone,Gone," by Philip Philips starts playing. Talk about rip my heart out. I start gushing with tears. I think to myself; I probably shouldn't be driving right now. By the time my session is done, I find myself at peace again, feeling grateful that I can afford a massage, live in a warm house, can afford a nanny and put gas in my car.

I wonder when my life will start to make sense again....

Pastels

Pastels

Tattered masts,
broken oars,
rocking gently,
after the storm.

Still afloat,
soft water ripples,
a quiet whisper,
fills the air.

Pastels appear,
as a sun begins to dawn,
just see the wonder,
can't move.

A rush of warmth,
runs through the skin,
feeling the light,
slowly glowing.

Patience for dry land,
to withstand another storm,
scent of grass still a memory,
to walk again.

Once settled, 
the rugged boat drifts away with the current,
but part of the heart,
will always be rocking with the sea.

- Jen Mark

This is a true story

Recently I've experienced a shift or a change in the way I feel. For the first 4 months, I lived in a state of adrenaline. It was this hormonal imbalance that was driving me, giving me energy, helping to focus, to rebuild a life, to stabilize my children. It was probably also these hormones that held me hostage to constant intense highs and lows. I lost my appetite and struggled with sleep. Insomnia was like torture. I was so desperate to sleep.

Then I did, I started sleeping. I am sleeping. But I feel worse. I feel like I'm carrying bricks. I feel so weak and heavy at the same time. The councilor told me I'm coming off the adrenaline and living off normal energy and I have nothing left on reserve. So...I'm rebuilding. Taekwondo has been instrumental in this change. This intensive workout is helping me eat and sleep. At first I don't think I was eating well enough to support the workout, so I really tried to focus on eating better. But it's hard.

I've been in a bit of a state of confusion. I have difficulty concentrating and I'm very easily distracted. As embarrassing as it has been at times; I'm grateful that Danny has such a sharp mind and keeps me posted. " Isn't it supper time, I think my bus will be here soon, it's hotdog day."  I forgot two appointments last week, forgot a social engagement and cancelled on plans many times. It's very unnerving to be so absent minded. Every time I leave the house I feel like I've forgotten something. Most times I had.  On top of this weakness and confusion I have felt edgy. Sometimes my heart would race. I responded to this state by retreating.

I talked to my brother about how I was feeling. I told him I didn't understand why I was feeling weaker and so edgy at the same time. I felt like I was regressing. He told me of course you feel this way, you are rattled, your husband died.

I'm realizing that although I have intellectualized many thoughts and feelings, my body and emotions are still processing and recovering. As comforting as it might seem to just put all my faith in God, it's just not that simple.

My understanding in how the world works has been totally destroyed. My ability to trust that life is going to follow a certain course has lost all credibility. So...the truth...right now I don't trust that I'm going to survive, that I'm being taken care, that another tragedy isn't going to happen. I convince myself rationally that what happened was rare, that God will take care of me and that things can only go up from here. But my body and my emotions don't believe it. I've been rattled. I've lost my footing, I've lost my stable ground. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know where the surface is.

But there are truths I continue to hold onto. I have survived this far. I am surviving. I always eventually find comfort. I have good days. I have joy. I have support.

I was feeling like I was at the mercy of my own state and what the world continues to throw at me. But yesterday I made a choice. I decided to control as much as I can and accept that I might not be able to control it all. I made a menu for what to cook and put it on the fridge so I hopefully can remember to prepare for supper so that I'm eating more than kd and pizza. I wrote down anything I have to do next week. I put in on the fridge. Coincidentally, today I`m feeling much better. I have some energy. I`m still feeling a bit numb but I`m concentrating better.

In the midst of this fog I`ve been tempted to stay distracted, to be numb, to sleep. But I`ve learned it is a dangerous path because lurking in the darkness is a reality that I have to face. Last night I had a jarring realization.

The day Gord passed I felt like I stepped into a different world, where everything changed and nothing made sense. I`ve been trying to piece together the puzzle and build a new life in this world and it has been surreal. Last night I realized I did not time warp into another world, I am not in a nightmare, it`s real! This really happened to my life. This is still the same world, it just doesn`t have Gord in it and all the things he brought to my world. It all starting to hit me. It felt like it had just happened. I fell apart. I was losing myself and I was coming undone and I was all alone. I knew I needed to talk to someone. I stared at my contacts. It was midnight.

I remembered when I first was on my own,after my parents left, I was afraid to be alone. My brother Mike told me I could call him at any time and that he really wanted me to depend on him; even in the middle of the night. So I sent him a text and he responded instantly. I called him, his deep quiet voice was so steady, It grounded me. He just listened but his constant energy made me feel safe. He affirmed me.

In the end Mike made me realize that as weak as I may feel, I am in fact always stronger than the day before. He helped me to see that although I continue to fall , I always get back up. He helped me to see that I am resilient.

I can say that I do know that there is something built inside of us to endure this type of tragedy. The human spirit is designed to survive.

So, I am going to attempt to  trust in myself and in life. I am going to use the knowledge that I have been and will continue to be resilient and that no matter what life throws at me I can survive.

So this is my life, my true story. A new story begins...