My Valentine..I will always have a husband in heaven.

I will always have a husband in heaven, sometimes heaven just feels so far away...

It's been a rough month. It has been challenging emotionally and stressful managing with banks, lawyers and relationships. Thankfully my boys are fairly low maintenance and generally happy delightful kids. Most of the time, I think they keep my head above water when it feels like the rest of world is crumbling around me.

Over the past few weeks I've been challenging myself to come up with positive ideas to enjoy Valentines day. I thought maybe if I change my ideology of valentines day it won't be so hard. So I decided to focus on  love, kindness and compassion for others. I also thought we can make it about loving friends and family. It's often counter intuitive to put energy into others but when ever I do, it does lift my spirits. So...the boys and I made some valentines together. So cute! "Mom, what does 'you are so hot' mean?"

Also I've planned a day spending time with a friend, volunteering with Danny's class and then celebrate with the boys having a heart pizza at Boston pizza. That was my plan...

Last Sunday evening I received a call from my cousin Casey. He blurts out," Jenny, will you be my valentine?" He is coming down Friday night, we are going to hang out after the boys go to bed, in the morning we are going hit the slopes on our boards and enjoy the spring weather, followed by dinner at a restaurant in Jasper.

Initially, although I totally appreciate Casey's generous act of love, I felt myself really just wanting Gord. I really want a date with my husband. I'd give anything to have some time with him. I wish I could have that one on one with the person that had my heart. I could tell him anything...anything. I didn't have to filter my thoughts with him. I never felt judged. That doesn't mean he wasn't candid with me. I loved that he was candid with me. In such a loving non superior way. He challenged me. I live on an emotional plane where I perceive the world through emotions and intuition. Gord complimented that part of me by bringing my intuitions the balance of reason and logic. Most of the time, Gord  supported my insights but he brought me grounding and sound reasoning to support my feelings. What I appreciated the most is was that he was so good to remind me of facts that superseded my feelings and more often than not that brought me peace of mind. Gord kept the world at bay for me.

So right now as a navigate through a new world that is full of  unknown challenges and stress I wish I had my husband to guide and protect me.

Something whispered in my soul last night. I was crying...gentle tears of sadness, feeling lonesome for Gord. In a quiet moment I thought I heard him...

"It really is just another day. I am here and I still love you, still guide you and protect you."

In these moments, it's not like in the movies when a lost loved ones speaks or appears. It's so quiet, it leaves you thinking...was that you...or just my thoughts. I can always tell it not's me because it's such a dramatic change in my thinking. Like something is being inserted into my sad mind that brings me comfort and hope.

So this morning I found myself waking feeling excited for Valentines Day. I have so much to accomplish today and it helps to have so much to look forward to. I can't wait to have 2 days where I leave my burdens at home and enjoy life! Tomorrow is just another day, but I have a great excuse to spend quality time with friends and family, and a great gift of bonding on the slopes with my cousin. It's going to be great weekend. I still wish I could just hear his voice or have a comforting hug but I believe he is with me the best way he can be, through LOVE!

" You can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes,
well you might just find,
you get what you need."

- Rolling Stones