Under Construction

I have some friends and family that are building new homes. I can look at their challenges and somewhat relate. When Gord died it was like my home burned to the ground. Initially I had no sense of how to rebuild but slowly I started picking up the pieces. In the beginning I had no vision, no goals, no concept of how I would survive. I started building anyways. There were days where I could see no purpose but what choice did I have.

And now I see it coming together. I can see life taking shape and form again. I have dreams, hopes and goals again. Seeing these results is giving me a real hope to continue to persevere.

When my world crumbled, every little stumble felt catastrophic. For the first month I had up to 3 anxiety attacks a day. I was afraid I wasn't going to survive this loss. As I continued on the journey I realized the worst has already happened and if I can cope with that then I should be able to handle life's challenges.

I was at the brink of my threshold for stress and I felt like I wanted the world to stand still just for a while until I found my barrings. Life is forever dynamic! This is a good thing because it means that everything including awful, tragic, catastrophic circumstances will change. Reminds me of Alberta summers, if you don't like the weather...wait 5 minutes. We always adapt!

Observing my growth, I'm starting to relax. I'm starting to believe in life again...in myself again. Although life continues to throw challenges, I'm realizing that I can handle it. Sometimes better than others. I'm losing the need to control my environment and circumstances. This is a reprieve. Attempting to keep everything in perfect order is exhausting. Stress, problems and challenges are going to happen, I'm losing the purpose in trying to avoid it all. In fact, I'm starting to feel like I'm equipped for life challenges instead of feeling like I need to avoid them.

I like finding patterns, planning and strategics but when it comes to life and I'm feeling ready to start letting life unfold and get excited about what the day is going to bring. I'm accepting that life is going to have it bumps, valleys and mountains to climb and I'm starting to feel alive about the adventure. If growth, change and strength is the grace I receive from this experience then challenges are blessings and not a curse.

I believe I will continue to fall, get hurt, feel lost, have feelings of confusion, isolation and loneliness and sometimes feel scared. But I also believe I can handle it, cope with it and most importantly...grow from it.

Life is unfolding in front of me, I'm letting go of the urge to control every detail and trust that life will unfold as it should and that I can manage the challenges ahead one step at a time.

I'm still under construction but I believe that my new home will be new and strong. I think one day I will look back at this whole building process and even this great loss and see that it has brought goodness.