Trying to live in the middle...

Conflicted feelings

Moving on and letting go? Accepting and living reality? I have often meditated on these ideas. Letting go and moving on are phrases one often hears after losing someone dead or alive. Losing someone after a break up can feel like a death too, especially if you don't maintain any connection to them. This situation of course is still different than a break up because I have no unresolved feelings, I have closure but I had no warning or choice.

The shock has been the real element that has challenged me and left me a mess. My councilor compares my brain to a filing cabinet. The second Gord died it was like all the files were tossed out and scattered. And because this experience has undermined my understanding of how the world works I have to make a whole new filing system with all new connections. It is a lot to piece together. So where does this leave me when it comes to letting go of my past and moving forward.

Why? Why do I have to let go? What does it mean to let go? Does it mean I put away all his material things and tuck pictures away in drawers. Does it mean I stop talking about him? Do I take off my rings? I'm thinking.... yes and no. In fact, I've already done many of these things. But I won't stop talking about him nor will I put everything away. My boys especially need to memorialize their dad and so do I. He brought so much goodness to our lives and that is a legacy that needs to stay with us forever.

However, I am beginning to understand the connection we have with Gord is no longer a human connection. The relationship has changed form. His material things do remind us of him but our real connection is still in our hearts. I once read that you know have let go of the person who died when that person only occupies a part of heart. So in reflecting on these ideas I can see, I have been letting go. Slowly...

I find myself living again. I can do activities where hours will pass by and I realize that I was just living in the present. Not remembering the past or trying to figure out my future. It is freeing. I've read that some people worry about others and themselves forgetting about the person. I never worry about that. I know a part of me will always remember. Every person who comes into our lives has purpose. Good or bad every relationship helps us to grow and learn more about ourselves and about life. So I guess in closing I can say I will never forget Gord and I will always appreciate all the goodness he brought to our lives. Someday I will fully accept that my relationship with him is no longer a human connection and that I need to fully live my human experience and let what happened just be and move forward towards what life still has to offer me. For I am still alive!

Regardless of rationalizing all this information I still feel conflicted. A part of me just wants to live now, fully. But I've been warned. It's like an injured athlete or accident victim, I have to heal. If I enter back into the game too quickly I could be re injured. I could have serious set backs. This experience has been debilitating. I have less energy, I do less, I socialize less. I have different responsibilities and different priorities. I actually make plans on how to have less stress and a more simple life. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes simple means less fun and excitement. But for now less drama is a good thing.

It's confusing for me because I used to have no limits on how much I would socialize or keep busy and active.  For my kids I have to keep balance. I'm starting to learn how to live in the middle. Before highs use to be what I lived for, now the highs are some of my hardest moments because it is those moments I miss Gord the most. I want to share my highs with Gord. The lows are even lower because it is those times I used to depend on Gord for support and now I'm on my own. So I'm trying to live in the middle, the present and finding joy in the simple things.