Sunday morning: GOOD GREIF

I feel like I'm starting to move on. I feel like I'm living again, but the memories still follow. I've been told many times losing someone is not something to get over, it is something that you learn to live with. Like a learning disability you learn how to cope, how to manage and how to compensate for the disability. Initially the pain and dramatic change in my life was overwhelming I could barely function. Everyday I have continued living, I've been coping and I've been feeling. What is happening is I'm learning how to live with the pain. Today I'm having a bad day. Sunday's are predictably my hardest days. It is the day I feel Gord``s absence the most. Sunday is our family day! Initially I didn't even have the strength to keep up our family traditions. Church , brunch at Ranchers, followed by Noah and I napping while Gord and Danny played video games. We usually found some fun family activity in the afternoon and chilled out in the evening.

I've regained most of my strength to continue many of these activities....but it's not the same, it's often harder. This morning Danny and I took in the final men`s hockey for the Olympics. Gord loved the Olympics and loved watching hockey. When they won there was an initial excitement with the boys and I. Then quickly followed a huge wave of grief. I could picture Gord's enthusiasm, I could imagine his pride to share it with his sons. It really hurt, but the excitement still continued too. It's bitter sweet.

I'm starting to face the pain instead of avoiding it. All I'm realizing is that the pain of missing Gord will always show up sometimes, often in moments of joy. But the deep sadness and joy somehow exist at the same time. I can imagine I will feel the same way when my kids graduate, succeed at their favorite sport or get married. I will feel that amazing joy for my kids and at the same time I will feel that deep sadness that I can't share with someone who so unconditionally loved us.

Church was hard today as well. I was tired. Exhausted! I had taken Danny to ski lessons on Saturday and there were many stresses that led me another crash. It still takes me a long time to recover from stress. Noah was soooo busy at church. He always is, but of course when exhaustion sets in it's harder. By the end of mass, I was falling apart. Where is my help!

Gord did not only love us, he had a very instrumental role in the family. I`m  carrying it all and sometimes I miss his help.

Everyday I`m being reminded he is not here. It`s hard, but the more I can accept it, the more resilient I will be when it`s hard. Today is a hard day, but that is all that it is. I feel like a cloud of despair has left and all I`m left is moments of sadness and I`m ok with that. The memories will continue to follow my shadow. Danny often says I miss dad because I love him so much. It is that simple!

To me this song is about letting go, it`s about saying good bye.

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera - Say Something

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

I keep looking for you, and am continually reminded you are not here.We love you Gord !, We will always miss you! I trust you are in a safe place full of joy. Thank you for loving me and my boys unconditionally. What a wonderful treasure!