A moment of transformation

Today I had a moment of clarity. For a second the world made sense again. I was driving to Jasper at 9 am to bring Danny to ski lessons. It was my first highway driving in over 4 months. Something changed in me the day Gord died. I lost the confidence to drive on a highway.  I read months later that losing confidence to drive and many other normal things...like being in a public place can feel totally intimidating. It's natures way of slowing a person down after a trauma. Did you know that after a trauma the likely hood of a getting into a car accident goes up by roughly 30%?. Not cool odds. Gord always told me the riskiest thing we ever do everyday is get behind the wheel.

Anyways; that was a bit of side note. I had a moment of clarity.

One of the most challenging aspects of coping with this grief is also coping with life. Life still happens. I keep thinking, "Can't life go easy on me for a bit."

I try as much as I can to make my life as easy as possible with the least amount of possibility of stress. As far as I'm concerned I'm at my threshold for what I can bear with pain and stress. However; I can look back over the past four months and note that I continue to bare the stresses of life. Regardless, I find myself consumed with trying to manage life issues. From raising kids, dealing with finances to relationships, life keeps happening.

Gord was so good at grounding me, helping me to problem solve, to  be objective. Now, everyday I face these issues by myself, with half the confidence and less emotional control. But I am still doing it. And although every problem feels like the end of the world. Today I realized it isn't.

I was overwhelmed by the massiveness and beauty of the mountains. And then I thought about how I am a part of this creation. I thought about how nature is so powerful, adaptable and resilient. I saw it's harmony and it's peace. I looked at nature today and realized that I'm going to be ok. My problems feel enormous right now, but....they aren't. Someday they will be resolved. Meanwhile... I'm ok.

I found myself feeling secure. I've gotten out of bed and lived the past 4 months and I will keep doing that for my kids and I and that gives me security. My boys have showed me love in ways I never experienced before Gord died and that gives me security. I am a capable, intelligent  caring individual and that gives me security. I am learning how to depend on myself and it is empowering, building my confidence and giving me a new sense of security.

I feel loved. I would've never guess that a 2 and 5 year old boys could make me feel so loved. Everyday they do little things that show they love me. On the way to the ski hill today, Danny checked in with me and said, " Mom are you missing dad these days?".....Melt my heart!!!!

So today I caught a glimpse and the grander picture and realized how far I've come, how strong I am and that we really are going to make it through this. I also realized that the world is still a beautiful place and I am filled with love and found my sense of security. Hopefully today was more than just a moment of clarity. I think today was a moment of transformation.