Pain management. Chronic pain. Some days are better than others but there is always emotional pain. Today was a hard day. I felt like I could fall apart anywhere. I found myself crying at Danny's piano lesson. No trigger, just maybe my first quiet moment. All day I kept going through the motions wondering if I was going to hold together.
How do I cope? Today is one of those days where I couldn't distract myself. TV, Facebook, reading, phone calls. Nothing would numb the pain. These are days where I feel tempted to binge on ice cream, chips and wine but I try hard to not go down that road.
Early on in my journey I was overwhelmed with anger at times. The intensity was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. I have 2 kids. I was scared of myself. So I went to Google. Yes, anger is an important and normal emotion in the grief process. But that doesn't mean I have a ticket to be losing it. The important thing to do is find constructive ways to deal with it. Easier said than done! Many people, like myself feel uncomfortable with expressing anger so I am more prone to be self destructive and take it out on myself. That is right, any type of vice that is self destructive is way of taking anger out on yourself. I also read that the danger of going down that road with any crutch is eventually you have to get rid of it. Also the crutch can delay grief, can corrupt your body and self esteem. Not fun! So as tempting as all these vices are I've been finding more proactive solutions to cope with my anger. Taekwondo was a suggestion, so that worked out great that I already do that. Writing is also quite cathartic. I love listening to music, even songs that make me cry; especially songs that make me cry. Sometimes music feels like a best friend. Friends and family can be awesome to talk to too. But I find the moment I am socializing, I want to spend it socializing, not grieving so most of the time I grieve in private. Usually after 10 pm and at some point in my drenched tears I always find myself thinking... I wish someone was here; here to listen, here to hold me, to console me.
The good news is that my councilor says that although I'm doing this the hard way. ( trying to not be dependent on crutches) and being present to the process, I am in fact healing quickly and I will end up strong and healthy. That is encouraging!
So why does my heart hurt today. Mostly because Danny's heart is broken. And the void I see is so huge and there is no way to fill it. I know because I feel the same way. I can't rescue or save him from this pain. I wish I could. I know both my boys will have to go on their own journey to find peace too. So I just try to support him and help him to build a good life too.
Yesterday we met another family at the pool. They have 6 kids. I'm always so impressed how the dad finds and makes time to give my boys positive attention. After about 1/2 hour Danny returned from the big pool after playing with the dad and the older boys. Danny played by himself. So I suggested the hot tub. Danny was full of sadness. He told me how much his missed Gord. We talked about all the fun times we had at the pool, mostly on Sundays. I asked Danny if he enjoyed playing with the other boys and their dad and he said, " It's not the same, he's not like dad."
So I told him, that no one ever has to be like dad. There is no else like dad and we want to always remember that uniqueness about him and remember that is why we love him so much. But I also explained to him that there are so many other people that love us and want to show that love to us. I told Danny that his friends dad just wants Danny to feel included and thought it would be fun to spend time with another dad. Danny smiled.
Danny went back to the pool and had a blast with the other kids and their dad. But as soon we came back home, he slumped back into his sadness. Oh boy, this is so hard to watch.
So today my heart breaks for my boys knowing that they have to endure the same road as I do. And although I know their journey will be very different then mine. I know the pain is the same.
I'm reading a book right now on helping children to grieve. It talks often about how helpless and powerless a child feels after something like this happens. So...the best thing I can do is make them feel empowered and helpful.
There is a new video game Danny has been asking for. ( Mario 3D world) About a week ago he told he was talking to his dad and asked him if he could get the game and he said yes! I thought well maybe for Valentines day we could get it. We went to the store on Friday so he could show me which one. Shoot! The game was with a different gaming system. Danny was crushed when I told him that I can't just buy a new system. They are 300 dollars!!!!
Then I read it's a great idea to start a chore chart and give them allowance. It empowers them and makes them feel like they are being helpful. So we set it up and Danny couldn't be more excited. He is going to earn money to buy the game and when his birthday comes in July I told him he could ask for money instead of presents and I will cover the difference so he can get the gaming system. He is counting the weeks. He is motivated. I never dreamed my child would be thanking me for a chore chart. We are going to get through this and we will be better and stronger.
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